Sorry I'm NOT Sorry.

The end of the year is coming.....bringing the end of one year and the hopeful beginning of another. This time of year is always so reflective for me. I ( like many others out there ) find myself reminiscing on the past year.......reliving all of the moments that made up that year. There are always good times and bad......amazing times...happy times...sad times. I enjoy playing the moments back......as if they were being projected for me on a screen. I feel that during this time of reflection I always discover just how much the past year has changed me. What a different person I have become. How much my views on life have changed.......how much I have changed as an individual. 2014 was without a doubt MY year. I have made SO many changes and come SUCH a long way from January of this year. I have had my fair share of changes......from my separation and divorce, to reconciling with my dad, coming to peace with the fact that my life isn't perfect.....nor am I...and knowing in my ...

Today I woke up feeling 28. Like really feeling 28. Not only because I turn 28 today....but I'm REALLLLLY feeling 28. Despite the fact that I officially have to accept that I am in my " late 20s ", I am feeling so fucking fabulous in my own skin. I am so proud of the woman that I have become. I look back on the road it took to get here and I just can't help but be so proud. I've endured and tackled so much....I honestly never thought I would make it to this place. This place of absolute love and happiness . I've learned to love and respect myself.....for all that I am...at this moment in time. There has been so much growth in my personal relationships. I couldn't be happier with them. My family is amazing. My friends are the shit. So I've decided that since I'm turning 28 this year I would share 28 random facts about myself on my blog. 28 for 28 I have 3 big scars on my body......all from being a dare devil. When I was younger I us...

All this talk about Amanda Bynes really got me thinking about my own life. My own struggles with mental illness. The despair that you feel when you have no control over your own life.......or do you? My heart goes out to Amanda Bynes and her family in this trying time. She clearly needs all of the attention and help she can get right now. I look back at my 3 different catastrophic meltdowns and I can't even begin to imagine what it would have been like to experience those in the public eye. To have people watching....waiting...blogging your every move. Turning your own personal hell into gossip fodder. Waiting for the second you do some bat shit crazy crap so they can cash in on your demise. At least I got to experience my crazy in private. Thank god. It is no secret that Amanda Bynes is suffering from some sort of mental illness. It is clear that while she was medicated she was a normal member of society. It is also clear that once off her meds (which are a necessity when livi...

You read that right. I propose a toast to being selfish. To putting ourselves first. Now when I say " lets be selfish " I do not mean fuck everyone in your life......they all come second to King/Queen you. I mean maybe it is time to concern yourself more with what makes YOU happy.....and a little less with what makes everyone else happy. I think we get so caught up with being the " nice guy ". We worry about everyone else. Their reactions, their thoughts, their feelings. But what about ours? When do we start to spend a little more time thinking about our own happiness? I know it's super " selfish " to think that way......and as a society we have been trained to view being selfish as wrong or fucked up.......which to a certain extent I agree with. But...what is so wrong with putting ourselves first? Ahead of the opinions and thoughts of our family/friends. In front of our 'contractual obligations' as people. This blog was brought about by...

So I've been doing a lot of thinking lately.....hence the late night blog sesh. Expectations are lame. I'm throwing that fact out there right now. I think expectations are stupid. If you really sit and think about it.....all an expectation is is the "idea" of something/someone/an experience. Just that. An idea. It isn't the promise of anything....it isn't the guarantee of the turn out you expected. I've experienced plenty of let downs in my life because " reality " didn't meet my " expectation ". Go fucking figure. I know you have experienced the same let down. It just is what it is. We expect and get our hopes up.....shit goes sour......we get angry. Vicious cycle. I recently blogged about not giving my dad another chance. Not allowing myself to let him in and possibly hurt me again.  I received a lot of feedback regarding that blog (BIG thanks to everyone who reached out, sent messages, and shared their views regarding the ...

You're damned if you do and you are damned if you don't. I don't know about you but I fucking hate that. This past weekend rocked my world in a strange way. I lost a family friend who was pretty much a family member to me in a sudden, tragic, and unfortunate way. It was so shocking and unexpected that when I heard the news I didn't believe it.....for like the first hour after I found out. This person was SO insanely full of life....not a minute spent with him was ever wasted. In fact most, if not all of the time spent with him was spent laughing to the point of tears and belly aches. He was so genuine. He loved with every part of himself and cared so much for those around him. He will be missed by many and treasured by all. This individual was very close to my father.....he was pretty much the brother my dad never had. So obviously upon hearing the news I reached out to my dad to send my condolences, even though we haven't spoken since February. I'm not g...

I'm 27 years old......and at this point in my life I would like to think I am settled. I view things the way I view them. My opinions are what they are. I have become a creature of my own habits. I am accustomed to a certain pattern of behavior. I do things the way I have always done them. I love a certain way, I hurt a certain way, I fight a certain way. All because I am comfortable with doing things a certain way.....the way I have always done them. At what point though do you take a step back to really evaluate the "certain" way you do things? When do you accept that change might be in order after discovering that your "certain" way of doing things isn't necessarily right? Or even healthy? My mind is permanently set to Fight Mode. Growing up with my father it had to be. Everything was an argument. Each and every issue (small or large) was a battle. I trained myself to plan ahead....always try to be one step ahead of my dad so that I could always win the...

I'm turning 28 this year......which freaks me out a tad mainly because I'm almost 30 and my life is a disaster. Literally...my closet and its lack of organization frightens me. I still feel very much like a child....which makes me worried because by now I should be able to care for a child...not still be one myself. I can no longer say " Oh I'm in my early 20's " and be able to get away with it..... bitch get real. You are in your LATE 20's. TV shows like Dawson's Creek (yeah I watched it), Friends, and Sex & The City made your late 20's seem soooooo glamorous and put together. I'm pretty sure I am still the Captain of the Hot Mess Express. I started freaking out thinking of all the places I have yet to go and all the shit I have yet to do. Looking back at the last 27 years....I wasn't too sure what I had accomplished. I started comparing myself to my friends and family (you know you do it too..... stop judging me). Peop...

So as I mentioned in one of my first blogs, I have Bipolar Disorder. For me, having lived with this condition for over 8 years now and it being such an everyday part of my life, I tend to forget I even have it. Shortly after being diagnosed I remember feeling so ashamed of my diagnosis. I was so afraid people would be able to look at me and just know.....like I was running around with some sort of label on my forehead for all to see. I remember I used to cry and blame God for the shitty cards I had been dealt. I would think of myself as some sort of cripple or victim....someone who has had their life stolen from them. I was 19 when I was diagnosed. A sophomore at Cal State Fullerton. Newest member of the Delta Zeta Beta Psi pledge class. I was young, wild and free. I didn't have time to deal with doctors, medication, blood work. I wasn't ready for my entire life to change so quickly and so drastically.  I had heard the negative portrayal of people with Bipolar Disorder...

Sometimes letting go is easier said than done.  Not sure if many people know this...but my father and I have had a sorted relationship since I was a kid. We never really saw eye to eye on much.....fought constantly...all that jazz. I doubt many of you knew this because we were just so good at being fake. Plastering on that smile, hugging and kissing, posing for family photos. Yeah..... We were the type that would fight the ENTIRE way to a party....but as soon as we parked the car we were all smiles. Looking back it kinda freaks me out at how good we all were at being fake. Never letting people see how much pain we really felt.....never letting people know what really went on behind closed doors....for fear of exposing the reality of our situation.....we weren't happy at all. I have struggled to maintain a relationship with my father since his separation from my mom. I literally felt sometimes like I was chasing a ghost . It should never be that much of a struggle to spend ...

Disclaimer: I am ON one today. I am frustrated and angry. I am sick and tired of people and their bullshit. The following blog is a GIANT FUCKING rant.......so deal with it. I know it's a CRAZY idea for some people to wrap their heads around........yeah I know......a divorced person is allowed to move on?! Say what?! Just because something doesn't work out.....doesn't mean something better won't come along. It does......and in my case it did. My life is in such a magical place right now.....I just want to take a photograph of it so I can keep it and treasure this moment in time forever. I am healthy, happy, and at peace with myself. At the end of the day.....that is all that matters. I will not apologize for moving on. I will not say I'm sorry for waking up and realizing I deserved better. I am human. I have feelings like everyone else. We all reach a level in our lives when enough is enough. We sit with ourselves and have to be honest with oursel...

Life is crazy because we always think we know what makes us happy.....what exactly it is that we are searching for that will make us happy. I know there are some sappy ridiculous quotes that say " Stop searching....when you least expect it....it will find you ." I used to believe that was a crock of shit.......but it's actually true. I know it's true because it happened to me. When you stop searching for it.....it comes to you. Unexpectedly. Unannounced. Happiness just shows up.....and I couldn't be more thrilled about it. I've spent so many years of my life searching....as I know many of you have. Searching for acceptance, guidance, happiness, love, joy, peace. Have you ever noticed when you stop looking for something you find it? I once spent WEEKS searching for my favorite necklace. I had given up hope and considered the necklace a total loss. Randomly this one day I was going through a box and boom....there it was. No idea why or how on earth it woun...

Freedom seems so natural to all of us. A God given right most of us would say. We are born free. Free to choose love. Free to live our lives....to laugh and enjoy every moment that we have. I think in a way we all get so caught up in the day to day we call life that we almost take our freedom for granted. What if we suddenly weren't free? What if we lost all control? If we got so stuck in the roll of a prisoner to our own lives that we aren't living free at all? I say this because I was once a prisoner.....to myself. I allowed myself to become comfortable with the uncomfortable . I stopped letting my voice be heard. In a twisted way I became "OK" with being static. Granted I was out living my life. I went to work, hung out with friends.....did all of the things a normal, free person would do. Yet as I look back on life the last several years I realized I wasn't free at all. I was miserable and lying to myself and those around me. They say in order to make an...

Opinions are like assholes..... everyone and their damn mother has one. It's funny because we ALL say that. You know damn well there have been countless times you roll your eyes and say that exact line. Followed by ranting and raving for another hour about how much you hate DESPISE when people give you their unwanted and unwelcome opinions. Yet the funny thing about that is we are (at the same time) guilty of giving our own opinions.......even if no one has asked for them. Why the hell do we do that? Like why are we all so damn hypocritical?! I always appreciate hearing from others. I am a firm believer that we can learn so much from people. There are SOO many people in the world. With their own opinions, experiences, and takes on life. I love listening to people....I love hearing about the life moments (big or small) that have made them who they are. I feel that unless we are constantly growing and evolving we aren't progressing. Rather we stay stuck in a stand still a...

I'm outspoken as fuck and a majority of the time I just want to look at someone that asks me that and say: "Well my husband ex-husband lied to me the entire time we were together. He is an alcoholic. He has rage issues.....he can't make any decisions for himself since he still sucks his moms tits....oh and after 2 months of being married I decided to file for divorce. How the FUCK are you?" But I refrain. I breathe in deep and smile and say " I'm great thank you ", mainly because airing my dirty laundry to the whole world isn't the thing to do (yes I am aware I did just that above....and it felt fucking AMAZING so fuck off if you don't like it).  For those of you who have been wondering, calling, texting, or sitting with your thoughts because you aren't sure how to bring it up to me......I promise you I am fine. I am fucking FREE . I haven't been free, nor have I felt this alive, in years. I am relishing every second of eve...