Change

The end of the year is coming.....bringing the end of one year and the hopeful beginning of another. This time of year is always so reflective for me. I (like many others out there) find myself reminiscing on the past year.......reliving all of the moments that made up that year. There are always good times and bad......amazing times...happy times...sad times. I enjoy playing the moments back......as if they were being projected for me on a screen. I feel that during this time of reflection I always discover just how much the past year has changed me. What a different person I have become. How much my views on life have changed.......how much I have changed as an individual.

2014 was without a doubt MY year. I have made SO many changes and come SUCH a long way from January of this year. I have had my fair share of changes......from my separation and divorce, to reconciling with my dad, coming to peace with the fact that my life isn't perfect.....nor am I...and knowing in my heart that its ok. I have built some strong, lasting relationships.....and watched others fizzle out like most do when you become an adult. I have laughed the hardest I have ever laughed....and cried the hardest I have ever cried. I met the man who was meant to change my life. The one who was placed on this Earth just for me to find and share my heart with. I have discovered that I am strong enough not only to endure the hard and rocky moments in life......but I am CAPABLE of coming out on the other side stronger and more emotionally ready to tackle life.

The thing about change is that it is necessary. In order for our lives to continue progressing forward we must accept change.....and embrace it. In all of its forms. We need change to grow. Change......no matter which way it presents itself to you....is good. It frees you. It forces you to see things from another perspective. It causes you to look inside yourself and really assess what is most important. Yes, it is emotionally draining. Yes, it is taxing and tedious. No...it doesn't come fast or easy. Real change.....the kind that rocks you to your core....is not for the faint of heart...or those seeking out instant gratification. Change is a process. It takes time. It takes risk. It takes a leap of faith. Change is NECESSARY for growth. Without change our lives become stagnant.

From my own personal experiences this past year alone I can attest to the fact that change.......while its outcome is so rewarding......is difficult and a bit of a mind fuck. There were many times I found myself asking the question "why me" or "what have I done to deserve this"? I often asked God "why am I being put through this", "where is my lesson"? The one question which ran constantly through my head and weighed heavy on my heart:

"What is the reason behind all of this....and when will it all make sense?"

I knew there was a lesson to be learned from all of this. I knew that at the end of my journey I would have answers. I also knew that if I still had questions.......my journey was not over yet. And I had to come to peace with that. I realized I had to endure the changes that I did over the past year because I was meant to grow, learn, flourish.....and most importantly evolve. We as humans are meant to constantly change.....grow.....develop. We can actually handle more than we think emotionally because we are creatures of evolution....constantly being tested. Constantly changing with the times.

A year ago my life was in such a different place. I had been through so much.....tackled so many obstacles. I was so unhappy. So miserable on so many different levels. I knew that this life wasn't mine. I knew in my heart that I deserved more. I was worth more. As difficult as the next decisions were going to be in my life......I knew they were necessary. I was willing to take the risk. Willing and ready to make a change for ME......because I couldn't deny any longer that my happiness was most important. One year ago I would've never guessed my life would be the way it is now ---- thank FUCKING God for that. I look back on the woman I was one year ago.......the shell that I was to be honest.....and I don't even recognize that girl. She seems so small to me. When my past is brought up it feels like such a distant memory. A time in my life when I was so lost. So sad. Surrounded by misery. A caged butterfly. That is the best way to describe it. I look at my life today and realize I am happier now than I ever could have imagined I could be. This is exactly how my life is supposed to be. My heart and my life are so full of love. So amazing. So happy.

Don't be afraid of change. No matter which way it presents itself to you. No matter how difficult it might seem. Regardless of how taxing it is or how time consuming. Embrace it. Even if you don't quite understand why you are enduring what you are at that moment in time......don't fear it. We all understand the reason why we are called to change in our own time. Yes, it might be painful. And no, I can't promise that it will be easy.....because I know it won't. At the end of the day the reason as to why we endure what we do is ALWAYS revealed to us....one way or another. The person we have become after the endured experience is not the same person we were before. Not even close. Change is worth every second. Every tear. Every obstacle we must tackle. Every one of the demons we must face.

So I ask each and every one of you to take time to reflect on this past year. The pain, laughter, heartache, growth, loss. Have you made a change? If not.....don't worry. It will come......it always does. And when it does......embrace it. It will be the BEST gift you give to yourself.

"I can't go back to yesterday. I was a different person then" - Lewis Carroll; Alice in Wonderland

It's my BIRTHDAY and I'll blog if I want to.

Today I woke up feeling 28. Like really feeling 28. Not only because I turn 28 today....but I'm REALLLLLY feeling 28. Despite the fact that I officially have to accept that I am in my "late 20s", I am feeling so fucking fabulous in my own skin. I am so proud of the woman that I have become. I look back on the road it took to get here and I just can't help but be so proud. I've endured and tackled so much....I honestly never thought I would make it to this place. This place of absolute love and happiness. I've learned to love and respect myself.....for all that I am...at this moment in time. There has been so much growth in my personal relationships. I couldn't be happier with them. My family is amazing. My friends are the shit.

So I've decided that since I'm turning 28 this year I would share 28 random facts about myself on my blog.

28 for 28

• I have 3 big scars on my body......all from being a dare devil.

• When I was younger I used to convince my little sister to keep my secrets by hanging her upside down over our balcony until she cried. (I'm surprised she loves me)

• I've always been a writer. When I was little I used to write plays for the neighborhood kids and I to perform for our parents.

• I used to collect tiny pine cones. I honestly believed they were treasures and were worth serious money. I would collect them by the basketful around my neighborhood and then bury them in my backyard. I'm pretty sure you can find THOUSANDS of these buried in my mom's backyard.

• My very first tattoo was inside of my mouth on my bottom lip. I got it when I was 19. It says "ALVM" which stands for "Amo la Vita Mia". Right before my first hospitalization I used to say "Fuck My Life" all the time. My dad told me instead of saying something so negative why not say "Love My Life" instead......so I got it tattooed as a reminder to always love my life. 

• I sing Hall & Oats "Man Eater" like at least twice a day in my car. And when I say sing....I mean I BUST THE FUCK OUT. I have problems.

• I'm allergic to jalapenos. 

• I have a love/hate relationship with Milk.....as in 98% of the time I hate it....but then that 2% I can't get enough of it and I drink gallons of it. Like to the point of getting sick. Oh and did I mention it HAS TO have ice in it?

• I can tow a boat, back it in and launch it. My dad refused to let me get my drivers license until I learned how to tow a boat. We would drive up to the supermarket parking lot at night and he would teach me how to make turns, back it in, all that jazz.

• I once did Karaoke in Korea Town. My song of choice was "Gangsta's Paradise". I dropped the mic to the ground when I was done. Like. A. Boss.

• Once upon a time I was detained by Fullerton Police for throwing a glass at someones face.

• I'm deathly afraid of lawn gnomes.....although I did try to get over that fear by forcing my sister to watch "Gnomeo & Juliet" with me like 10 times. You're welcome Kathy.

• I have 2 dogs. A Maltipoo named Milo and a Pitbull named Josie. 

• I don't believe in Heaven or Hell. I think at the end of the day your soul floats out of your body when you die and goes to where it is happiest. Like I can only imagine that mine would float to a world full of glitter and disco balls and lots of Donna Summer music. Oh and cupcakes. Lots of cupcakes. No judgement......just cupcakes.

• I keep a memory jar. I've been filling it with things throughout this year. Little memories. Fun places I've gone. Things I have done. People I have shared special moments with. I will be opening this jar on December 31st. That way I can re-live all of the wonderful memories of this year. I think we tend to let the bad overshadow the good sometimes.....and I'm over that. This year I plan to ring in the new year by remembering the wonderful moments of 2014..... and a fresh, empty jar to fill with memories of 2015.

• I can kill most bugs....but ants REALLY freak me out. I'm not sure what it is about them but they really spook me.

• I hate sweetened Iced Tea. It bothers me a lot. 

• Skydiving is on my bucket list. I seriously need to get on that.

• I cry at the end of the Little Mermaid. EVERY single time I watch it. Right at the part King Triton swims up to the boat to hug Ariel. I LOSE MY SHIT. Like Ugly Kim Kardashian cry.
  
  (I may have gotten misty-eyed just google searching this photo. Sue me for having feelings)

• One time I tried to be a Vegan. Clearly being a Vegan didn't last long....about 3 weeks to be exact...I missed meat too much. 

• I sing and dance in my car daily. I have absolutely no shame. I frequently point at people in traffic and sing to them. I just feel that we aren't going anywhere so we might as well enjoy ourselves. 

• When someone responds to my text with "K" I get VERY VERY upset. I hate it. It bothers me to no end. Like how hard could it possibly be to just type "OK"? I mean really. It is 1 extra letter.

• I have a serious emoji problem. I'm not quite sure how I made it through life before emojis existed.

• I HATE the mall. I do not enjoy window shopping. I am not one of those girls that can walk around for hours. NO. I park. Go to the store I need to go to. Buy what I need. And walk out. I do not pass go and I do not collect a cinnabon.

• Secret: I've always wanted to be a wedding planner. 

• If my glass isn't filled to the rim with ice I'm not happy. I am OBSESSED with ice.

• My sister is my best friend in the whole wide world......She is my whole life. Forever and For Always.  (PS: sorry for hanging you over the balcony all those times. I love you)
  

• "Always tackle every obstacle with a smile. Life is too fucking short to do any less than your best." - These are the words I live by.

I never understood when people asked "do you feel any older?" every birthday. How on Earth do you feel older and wiser? I feel just like I did when I went to sleep. I never understood that until this very moment in time. I woke up this morning and reflected on the last year of my life. The decisions I've made, things I have done, the path I have chosen to travel. A year ago, I would've never guessed my life would be the way it is now.....and let me tell you.....I wouldn't change a fucking thing about it. My life couldn't be more full of love....and I am so grateful for that. I'm in such a different place now than I was just one year ago.....and I couldn't be any happier with that.

For the first time ever I feel life has truly fallen into place. Everyone I have chosen to surround myself with is meant to be in my life.....because they bring so much joy, laughter, excitement, and love to each new day.

I feel at home in my skin. I feel at peace with my life and where it is at this very moment in time. I'm excited now more than ever for my future because I finally feel my world is complete.

So to answer the question....yes. I do feel older and wiser than I did one year ago. Cheers to 28!!! May the next 28 be just as magical, life changing, and fulfilling as the last 28 have been!

"The turning point in the process of growing up is when you discover the core of the strength within you that survives all hurt " - Max Lerner

Being punched in the face isn't that bad.

All this talk about Amanda Bynes really got me thinking about my own life. My own struggles with mental illness. The despair that you feel when you have no control over your own life.......or do you?

My heart goes out to Amanda Bynes and her family in this trying time. She clearly needs all of the attention and help she can get right now. I look back at my 3 different catastrophic meltdowns and I can't even begin to imagine what it would have been like to experience those in the public eye. To have people watching....waiting...blogging your every move. Turning your own personal hell into gossip fodder. Waiting for the second you do some bat shit crazy crap so they can cash in on your demise. At least I got to experience my crazy in private. Thank god.

It is no secret that Amanda Bynes is suffering from some sort of mental illness. It is clear that while she was medicated she was a normal member of society. It is also clear that once off her meds (which are a necessity when living with mental illness) her life went all sorts of cray. I've heard it a million times before: "If you stay on your medication you're fine and normal". First off...that statement drives me crazy because it is the furthest thing from the truth. What people don't understand is that there is never anything normal about living with mental illness. Nothing. What people also don't understand is that the struggle for those of us living with mental illness is day in and day out. The main struggle being how can we feel "normal" when we aren't "normal"?

Mental illness is nothing to play with. Your mind is an amazingly complex part of you. It controls more than we probably realize. As I said before, there is nothing normal about living with mental illness. You have multiple doctors, therapists, routine monthly blood work, etc. Your body....mainly your mind....relies on medication to function. Any little thing (such as minor everyday stressors) can trigger an episode. You almost (in a sense) feel like your life doesn't belong to you. And let me tell you something....when you are locked up in a mental hospital for days or even weeks at a time...your life doesn't belong to you. How on earth are we expected to feel "normal" when this shit is real life, every single day to us? I've got an idea.........we fucking ACCEPT it. That's how.

If we learn to accept the things we cannot change, we can change the things we cannot accept. After my last episode (which had me in cuffs being shuffled off to a county facility) I became VERY depressed. I sat in my isolated room and thought of all the things I wanted for my life. How I wanted nothing more than to be a wife and a mother one day.....and I cried. I felt like I had reached the lowest of the low. Here I was at 23, locked up in a mental facility with no idea as to when I would be released. How would I ever be able to have someone rely on me when I couldn't even rely on myself? Shit honestly couldn't get any worse for me at that moment in time. I sat and thought about all the times I had cycled back into the hospital. Each time the same. My own doing. My stubbornness and inability to accept that this condition would always be part of my life and part of who I am. These things brought me back here..and would continue to bring me back here. Without accepting that this was my life....I would always find myself here.

So what if I have to take medicine every day for the rest of my life? Who cares that I need to do monthly blood work? I'm here. I am alive. I get the opportunity to wake up every day, kiss my handsome love, laugh with my family, grab coffee with my friends. I get to come home to my two crazy dogs and sleep in my own bed. I am free. Totally free. My mind is clear, my heart is full, my thoughts are mine. I control my life. I control my disorder. This is MY normal....and you know what? I fucking love it. I am beyond grateful to God that I am blessed with this amazing ride that I call my life.

My last meltdown, which led to being punched in the face by an angry patient, brought me to this wonderful place in my life. Without reaching my rock bottom....without finally accepting the things I couldn't change, I would have never been able to change the things in my life that I just couldn't accept. At that moment in my life I could no longer run from the reality of my "normal". I'll always hold a special place in my heart for the angry hoochie that punched me in the face. I'll never be able to repay her for the eye-opening experience she provided. I really fucking needed that wake up call.

So what about you? What are the things you wish you could change? Big or small. What will it take to change them? Is the outcome worth the work to you? Are there things/situations in your life that would be much easier to live with if you just stopped avoiding reality and accepted those things/situations for what they are......as well as what they aren't/might never be? I know change is scary as shit......and it can take a lot of work to get to where you want to be.....but at the end of the day as long as YOU are happy with where you are in YOUR life...that is all that really matters.

Don't ever let anyone tell you what YOUR "normal" should look like. Let your flag fly however the fuck you want it to. It is your life you know.

"Accept - then act. Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it.....this will miraculously transform your whole life" - Eckhart Tolle

Cheers to being SELFISH!

You read that right. I propose a toast to being selfish. To putting ourselves first.

Now when I say "lets be selfish" I do not mean fuck everyone in your life......they all come second to King/Queen you. I mean maybe it is time to concern yourself more with what makes YOU happy.....and a little less with what makes everyone else happy.

I think we get so caught up with being the "nice guy". We worry about everyone else. Their reactions, their thoughts, their feelings. But what about ours? When do we start to spend a little more time thinking about our own happiness? I know it's super "selfish" to think that way......and as a society we have been trained to view being selfish as wrong or fucked up.......which to a certain extent I agree with. But...what is so wrong with putting ourselves first? Ahead of the opinions and thoughts of our family/friends. In front of our 'contractual obligations' as people.

This blog was brought about by a recent situation I have been STRESSING over in my own personal life. I have been driving myself crazy and slowly falling into a depression over it. I have spent so much time concerned with how the other party might react to my concerns and my dilemma. Pulling my hair out over whether I should say something or not. I actually reached the point where I convinced myself that I would rather stay unhappy than grow some fucking balls and have a conversation with that person about my feelings. About my struggle.

I had a chat with my younger sister (who is wise WELL BEYOND her years) about the situation earlier this week. I cried, venting to her about how stressed and overwhelmed I have become over the issue at hand. She just sat there and told me that I can't live in agony over my problem. By talking to her I realized that I might have been making this a larger issue in my head than it needed to be. She reminded my that it is OK to follow my dreams. It is OK to put myself first. No one is going to treat me differently because I have chosen to move my life in a different direction. There is nothing wrong with being selfish and putting my happiness first.

Think about it. If you are miserable, everyone and everything around you will be miserable as well. They say you can't truly love another person until you love yourself. That same rule applies for happiness. You can't radiate and spread happiness if you yourself aren't happy. Hence where being selfish comes into play. Without being selfish and allowing yourself the things/experiences your heart desires.........how can you provide anything to anyone? I mean honestly. An 8 cylinder engine is useless if only 2 of those cylinders are running properly.

So be selfish. Go ahead. Put yourself first. Put your dreams, wants, desires.......your happiness.....put it all first. You can't really bring much happiness to someones life if your happiness tank is on empty. I should know. I've been traveling on an empty tank for a while.

Oh and to answer your question....I finally grew some balls. I sat down with that person and had an entire conversation. The conversation went better than expected and I realized that I had actually been making a bigger issue of it than necessary (yes Kathy.....you were right). Clearly I need to add not making issues larger than necessary in my mind to my list of things to work on......in addition to being a little more selfish. No one can sacrifice their own happiness because they are too worried about what someone else may or may not think.

Make sure your happiness tank is full. Check and make sure all your cylinders are running properly. Put your happiness first. Take care of you. Don't spend so much time concerned with everyone else. We are all on our own path, doing our own thing. We each arrive to our destinations when OUR time is right. So be selfish. I don't think being selfish is as bad as everyone makes it out to be.

"It's not selfish to love yourself, take care of yourself, and to make your happiness a priority. It's necessary" - Mandy Hale

Fuck Expectations

So I've been doing a lot of thinking lately.....hence the late night blog sesh. Expectations are lame. I'm throwing that fact out there right now. I think expectations are stupid. If you really sit and think about it.....all an expectation is is the "idea" of something/someone/an experience. Just that. An idea. It isn't the promise of anything....it isn't the guarantee of the turn out you expected.

I've experienced plenty of let downs in my life because "reality" didn't meet my "expectation". Go fucking figure. I know you have experienced the same let down. It just is what it is. We expect and get our hopes up.....shit goes sour......we get angry. Vicious cycle.

I recently blogged about not giving my dad another chance. Not allowing myself to let him in and possibly hurt me again.  I received a lot of feedback regarding that blog (BIG thanks to everyone who reached out, sent messages, and shared their views regarding the last blog.....you guys are amazing and I love knowing people are out there reading). After going back and forth for almost a week I agreed to meet my dad. Face to face. Sit down and talk.

The anxiety build up the day of was bananas. I even bought a new outfit for the occasion (I needed to look fantastic....duh). I decided that I wanted to get my feelings out to my dad. Express to him what I had been holding inside for so long. I bought the most adorable card I could find (yes it was adorable. yes it had glitter. yes, there were rhinestones). I sat with my thoughts and put the pen to paper. I wanted him to just sit with what I had to say......no speaking. Just reading. Understanding. Acknowledging.

I got to the restaurant early and waited. I saw him from a mile away.....and I became SO nervous. Anxiety overload. What if this doesn't go well? Am I setting myself up - yet again - to be hurt? Is this a mistake? All of these crazy intense emotions ran over me.......and then I spotted it. A purple envelope. He was crossing the street carrying his feelings in a card too. We laughed about the fact that we are both identical (to a certain degree anyway). I mean really? What are the odds that we both show up with our hearts poured out via card? It was just too funny.

We both walked away from each other. Allowed ourselves some time to read the cards and really sit with the feelings. We both cried. And we both agreed to let the past be in the past. Just wipe the slate clean and start fresh. Start over. At the end of the day.....all hurt aside.....all the pain aside....he is and always will be my father....and I his daughter. I think what crippled us in the past was never my dad (well partly my dad). I think it was my expectations of how our relationship should be. The type of father he should be. The interactions we should be having. I was constantly let down because I allowed expectations to control my way of thinking. I failed to realize that in this life we ALL fuck up. We ALL make mistakes. None of us are perfect. If every single person that I have let down stopped talking to me....I would be alone because I have let people down. Just think about it for a second......if each time you didn't meet or exceed someones expectations in life they never spoke to you again......who would you have surrounding you? Probably no one. Why? Because we AREN'T FUCKING PERFECT. We just aren't. And it was about time I learned to accept that reality.

If peace in my life and my heart is what I wanted....then I just needed to learn to let go of expectations. Learn that not everything can be wrapped up "7th Heaven" style in an hour. Shit gets messy. Life isn't perfect and wrapped in a pretty bow. People WILL let you down. You will disappoint others. Why does everything have to be picture perfect? It's just not normal. You know what is normal? Ugly Kim Kardashian crying. Eating an entire box of Thin Mints and not apologizing for the horrific day you have had. Aggravating people (yes...even you reading this blog right now....I promise you have annoyed the shit out of someone). Making mistakes is normal. Laughing at yourself because you ate shit walking. Life isn't easy. It's a bitch. It doesn't make any sense.....but it is WORTH living..because it is quite magical if I do say so myself.

Fuck expectations. Just don't have them. Go into life winging it. Just take chances. Don't expect anything. Go into shit blind.....if it turns out bad you don't lose out.....if it turns out good you end up pleasantly surprised and can enjoy that awesome feeling. Accept that it is OK to not have everything figured out. Clearly I sure as fuck don't......and to be honest I doubt I ever will. Which is cool with me.....I think having everything figured out is overrated anyway.

As for my dad......I don't have the slightest idea what is in store for us. I've just decided to take things one day at a time. I'm happy. I know at the end of the day he is a good guy that means well. He (like the rest of us) doesn't have his shit figured out yet....and that's fine with me. I enjoy the way I feel knowing there is peace in my heart and mind. In life....that is priceless....and so hard to come by. So I'm going to bask in it each and every day.....fuck the expectations. They are a bitch anyway.

"When you stop expecting people to be perfect you can finally like them for who they are.....not what you expect them to be" - Don Miller 

Sometimes being the "bigger person" is overrated...in my opinion at least.

You're damned if you do and you are damned if you don't. I don't know about you but I fucking hate that.

This past weekend rocked my world in a strange way. I lost a family friend who was pretty much a family member to me in a sudden, tragic, and unfortunate way. It was so shocking and unexpected that when I heard the news I didn't believe it.....for like the first hour after I found out. This person was SO insanely full of life....not a minute spent with him was ever wasted. In fact most, if not all of the time spent with him was spent laughing to the point of tears and belly aches. He was so genuine. He loved with every part of himself and cared so much for those around him. He will be missed by many and treasured by all.

This individual was very close to my father.....he was pretty much the brother my dad never had. So obviously upon hearing the news I reached out to my dad to send my condolences, even though we haven't spoken since February. I'm not going to lie....I considered not calling my dad at all...quite frankly we didn't end on good terms so I really had no interest in speaking with him.....but I was raised to be respectful and at the end of the day I felt it would be wrong not to reach out....he is my dad at the end of the day (as much as it pains me to accept that fact because in my opinion he's an asshole).

Our beyond brief (3 minutes and 36 seconds to be exact) phone call ended with my dad suggesting that we should get together when I was back in town. This bothered my for a variety of reasons. First of all - is he only suggesting we get together because someone just died and he feels guilty that we parted ways the way we did? Does he want to get together because recent events have made him realize life is short and it isn't promised to any of us? Is it a sense of obligation? Why did it take him so long to say this? Why not have reached out to me months ago? Is this even genuine?

Obviously I'm jaded (no surprise here) when it comes to my dad and our relationship. As I may or may not have mentioned in a previous blog, my dad and I don't have the best relationship. In fact, looking back, I don't know if we ever did have a healthy, functioning relationship. My mother raised my sister and I to always be the bigger person. She always taught us that no matter how people treated us, it was always better to be the bigger person than to ever stoop to their level and become their equal. I have always agreed with my mom. When it comes to my dad I have always set our differences aside for the promise of a better relationship. Whenever he and I would sit down and talk, he was so charming with the things he would say and the promises he would make. I always left believing in my heart that this time......this time things would be different. But, as expected, they never were. He always found a new way to crush my spirits....a new way to prove what I never wanted to believe or accept to be true.....he would never change. Oh and in case you were wondering....it hurts just as much if not more the second, fifth, tenth time you experience it.

Now, as I mentioned, the loss of this close family friend rocked my world. Mainly because it was so unexpected. He was so young. He had so much life left in him......and he was one of the good ones. One of the few left with a genuine heart and the type of laugh that would just penetrate past your heart...straight to your soul. I've been in a bit of a slump after hearing the news. I've been distant, a bit depressed, silently emotional. I have put on the brave face, gotten dressed and "shown up".....but to say this news hasn't troubled me would be a lie. All I can think about is my dad. How angry I am with him. How hurt I am over our past and the way things have turned out between us.

I keep hearing (from multiple people) that it is time for me - yet again - to be the bigger person. Express to my dad how he has hurt me, but also move forward and give him another chance. Give him another chance because "life is short and you wouldn't want to live with any regret should something happen to him". I'm so torn because on one end he's my dad...he always will be my dad. I do miss the great times we have shared and how happy I have felt when we have been together. On another end, I know how this ends. It ALWAYS ends the same way. Things go great for a bit and then boom.....he always finds a way to fuck everything up and ruin the progress we have made. This leaves me wondering if I were to be the bigger person, forgive and forget, how long before everything blows up in my face again.......leaving me angry with myself because I knew better.

As much as I want to be the bigger person......the biggest part of me is screaming FUCK THAT SHIT. No. Don't do this to yourself again. You already know how this will end. You will be heartbroken. It isn't worth it. He will never change. But then there is the tiny, minuscule part of myself that says.......but what if he has changed? What if this time he has realized how badly he fucked up and he wants to make it right? This is where being damned if you do and damned if you don't comes into play. I just honestly don't know how to go about this issue. My heart and my head are so so torn.

I wish there was a magic crystal ball to look into the future. A magic wand to wave and make this mess right. But there isn't. I'm left here to battle this issue in my mind and my heart alone.....and to be honest it is taking its toll on me...killing my spirit slowly. I wish I could get some sort of a sign.....something to help me figure out what the best option is for my heart. It is fragile and hasn't fully recovered from the last time he fucked everything up. I don't even know if there would be anything he could possibly do or say to ever make me feel like I could trust him with my heart 100% again. He's the one man on this whole Earth who is here to protect my heart from pain and heartache....and he is the one man on this whole Earth who has continuously broken my heart into a million pieces.

This is why I say that sometimes being the bigger person is overrated. At what point do we sit back and say FUCK everyone. I AM important. I AM special. MY FEELINGS MATTER......at what point is it acceptable to say FUCK being the bigger person......my heart just can't take anymore. Maybe it is best to just leave things where they are.....nonexistent.

No More. I just can't afford the heartache. It just isn't worth it. He just isn't worth it.

"Being strong doesn't always mean you have to fight the battle. True strength is being adult enough to walk away from the nonsense with your head held high" - Unknown

Breaking Patterns

I'm 27 years old......and at this point in my life I would like to think I am settled. I view things the way I view them. My opinions are what they are. I have become a creature of my own habits. I am accustomed to a certain pattern of behavior. I do things the way I have always done them. I love a certain way, I hurt a certain way, I fight a certain way. All because I am comfortable with doing things a certain way.....the way I have always done them. At what point though do you take a step back to really evaluate the "certain" way you do things? When do you accept that change might be in order after discovering that your "certain" way of doing things isn't necessarily right? Or even healthy?

My mind is permanently set to Fight Mode. Growing up with my father it had to be. Everything was an argument. Each and every issue (small or large) was a battle. I trained myself to plan ahead....always try to be one step ahead of my dad so that I could always win the war. It was like a game of chess. Strategy was always key. I learned to be immediately defensive. In my mind the only way to protect myself and "win" was to come in guns blazing, defending my stance to the death. The walk to my parents bedroom was the longest walk ever whenever I would hear my dad yell "Jacqueline". With each step I was mentally preparing myself to battle. Loading all of my weapons, gathering all of my ammo. Preparing to slit throats and go for the jugular...whatever would keep me protected and allow me to walk away with the least amount of emotional damage.

As disturbing as this sounds....it became my way of life. When it came to arguments with anyone, all of this would go through my mind. I like to consider myself a sweet individual who loves everyone, hates controversy, and would never hurt a fly. Most people that know me think I am just super funny and my life is full of rainbows and glittery things. Some of that is true (you all know I love me some glittery things), but when it comes to feeling like I am under attack or being threatened....I become a monster and I lash out the first chance I get. Not because I enjoy it....but because I don't know any better. I'm not trying to make excuses for myself. I am fully aware that this type of behavior is toxic. It is crazy because as I write this I sit here knowing that this pattern of behavior is unacceptable....yet I continue to do nothing to fix it. I figure to myself.....well fuck it. This is who I am and people either like it and accept it or they don't. But how is that fair? Why should other people have to endure my inappropriate pattern of behavior? Should they have to deal with it (much less accept it) because it is just how the fuck I roll and they can suck my dick if they don't like it? Is it ok because I've done things this way for so long and I don't care if it bothers others? Is this just who I've become?

When is it time to just accept that the shit you are doing isn't right, acceptable, or cute anymore? At what point do you have to look at yourself in the mirror and realize it is time to break the pattern?

The main reasons I hate (like DESPISE) breaking patterns of behavior is because: 

• I HATE admitting I am wrong. Who the fuck likes sitting there and saying "hey you. you're wrong. stop being a fuck up".

• It is fucking hard pinpointing exactly where you go wrong.....and then figuring out what steps you need to take to break that cycle.

• Implementing anything new seems exciting..at first...but it involves constant work. We as a society crave Instant Gratification. We expect things to happen overnight...and when they don't we get frustrated and give up all together.

• Change is frustrating. Period fucking point blank. It is hard as fuck and quite frankly I don't like it.

In outpatient treatment they give you all sorts of building worksheets, accountability sheets, and a bunch of other random ass sheets that are supposed to help you target patterns of behavior you aren't satisfied with and give you ways to fix the problems. These sheets irritate the fuck out of me because it is so easy to write shit on a piece of paper, feel inside like I have addressed and solved the issues at hand, and then expect things to suddenly change for the better in my life.....all because I held myself accountable on an accountability sheet so that obviously means it will all magically get better. I mean duh..that's how it works....right?

Life isn't that fucking simple (though I wish it were). My inability to talk things out, my immediate rage, feeling like I constantly have to battle at a level 9, my lack of acceptance of responsibility, always having to defend myself or go for the jugular before you hurt me.......that shit NEEDS to stop. It is affecting every single aspect of my life....and to be honest...I'm getting sick and fucking tired of always fighting. It is exhausting. This just isn't me. And I know for a fact if I continue lashing out this way at the people in my life.....I will end up alone with no one because people will just be sick of dealing with me. Between you and I.......I would be sick of dealing with my ass by now too. 

In 2010 after my last hospitalization, I realized that I needed to make some immediate changes in my life if I wanted to continue living a healthy and normal life. If I wanted to maintain my personal relationships and not lose everyone and everything close to me....I needed to really sit with myself and assess the patterns of behavior that were bringing me back to a place of instability and hospitalizations. I needed to address these patterns and figure out the best way to break them. I found a worksheet on 5 solid ways to break a recurring pattern of behavior. I know I mentioned earlier that I fucking hate these stupid worksheets BUT this one in particular really worked for me before....so why not dust the worksheet off and revisit it (with some of my own additional tweaks, of course). 

• Recognize the pattern of behavior : Are you noticing that you find yourself in the same fucking place time and time again? Maybe the first few times when situations like this happened someone/something else was to blame....but if you continue finding yourself here is it because of everyone else? or is it because of you? My money is on the common factor.....which is more than likely you.

• Be accountable: Don't be "that bitch" that pawns all the blame off on everyone else. Own up to the fact that you are fucking up somewhere along the line. By blaming everyone else and not accepting your responsibility for the shit that is going sour all you are doing is holding yourself captive. You will never move on...I repeat you will NEVER move on and find resolution to the issues and break the patterns if you yourself won't hold your own damn feet to the fire. Burns doesn't it?

• Check your emotions: When you're in the heat of the moment you are all sorts of pissed. You lose all sense of your normal, put-together self, and are suddenly taken over by this bananas-crazy, ultra-emotional version of yourself. If you can develop a plan to catch the patterns leading to this crazy-ass version of yourself, you can actually catch yourself before falling into the same patterns of behavior you are trying to break. I'm not saying repress your emotions. I'm saying spend some alone time with them to figure out what is the root of the crazy....I can promise you it has nothing to do with what you are overreacting to. It is something deeper. Find it...and check its ass.

• Find the beauty in the chaos....and learn a lesson or two: If you never accept responsibility and learn your fucking lesson, then you will repeat the same shit over and over again. How many times are you going to burn yourself by touching the hot ass stove after your mother told you "hey fool...that stove is fucking hot. don't touch it" before you LEARN YOUR LESSON?!

• Make a different choice: We repeat the same cycles because we keep making the same damn choices. Dumb, but true. No one likes change because it is uncomfortable, hard work, and who would want to work more than they have to right? Not one fucking person on earth. There are countless possibilities for different outcomes....if we just push ourselves to make a different choice. Who says change is bad? I mean who knows? One minor choice could be the BEST choice we ever made. So why not try it?

I'm not perfect....like at all. I have ALL sorts of crazy ass issues. Don't think that just because my life looks fun on Instagram and I write this blog that I am put together. I am a hot ass fucking mess.....but I'm trying my best. And sharing my struggles along the way with all of you hoping maybe you relate to something here and can learn from my mistakes. 

Don't ever think that just because you have always done something a certain way that it is right, healthy, or not able to be fixed because you are so set in your ways. That's the beauty of this thing we call life......each and every day we wake up and are given another day here on earth is our opportunity to right our wrongs. So take a time-out from your life and be honest with yourself. Until the day God calls our number we always have a chance to break patterns of behavior we aren't happy with.

"The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance" - Alan W. Watts 

8.

I'm turning 28 this year......which freaks me out a tad mainly because

1. I'm almost 30 and my life is a disaster. Literally...my closet and its lack of organization frightens me.
2. I still feel very much like a child....which makes me worried because by now I should be able to care for a child...not still be one myself.
3. I can no longer say "Oh I'm in my early 20's" and be able to get away with it.....bitch get real. You are in your LATE 20's.
4. TV shows like Dawson's Creek (yeah I watched it), Friends, and Sex & The City made your late 20's seem soooooo glamorous and put together. I'm pretty sure I am still the Captain of the Hot Mess Express.

I started freaking out thinking of all the places I have yet to go and all the shit I have yet to do. Looking back at the last 27 years....I wasn't too sure what I had accomplished. I started comparing myself to my friends and family (you know you do it too.....stop judging me). People are married, buying houses, graduating from schools, having babies....and I'm just here all divorced and shit. Then I started to really sit and think....and it hit me. What the fuck am I doing? I can't possibly sit here and say I haven't accomplished anything. What gives me the right to sit here and compare myself to others? We all have different lives, different struggles. Not one of us are the same...

I know for a fact I am not the only person to sit here and play the comparison game. I know each and every one of us are guilty of looking at our lives....looking at someone else's life...and wondering WTF....where the fuck did I go wrong....they look so happy sitting on the beach relaxing in that photo while I'm here slaving away at work in an office....which is NOT the beach.

I may not be well traveled. Might not have multiple degrees hanging on my wall. I know I am 27 and divorced......but at the end of the day I am happy. Genuinely HAPPY. I look at my life and while it might not be perfect...it is mine and I am crazy in love with it.....and YOU should be in love with your life too!

Sometimes we get so busy with work, relationships, friendships, bills, stress...and all of the other crap that clouds our day to day.....that we often forget to just enjoy life. Now when I say enjoy life...I mean the simple joys of life.  I've developed a pretty legit (if I do say so myself) list of things to do to brighten our mood and our day. Nothing fancy.....just simple little things to bring joy to our hearts and peace to our crazy/hectic lives.

8 Is Great

• Color in coloring books - Yeah....I know. This seems ridiculous. Why on earth would a grown adult find joy in coloring in coloring books. Let me explain.....you are allowing yourself to escape from reality. You get to sit with yourself for a little while and shut your brain down. Focusing on coloring allows you to shut out everything else that is stressing you out. You get to be a kid again AND reduce your stress levels. You're welcome.

• Rock the FUCK out in your car - Find the jams that make you really want to rock out.....and do it. I rock out in my car EVERY single day...especially when in traffic (please be safe when gettin' down with your bad self). People always look at me like I'm crazy.....but I am over here in my own world having a blast while others look oh-so-sad in traffic! Busting out to 'Mr. Jones' at the top of your lungs really changes your life......for the better. Try it.

• Stop giving a fuck about what people think - I love people. I love my family and friends to the end of the earth....but at the end of the day I could give a fuck what they think (sorry mom...I love you). I live my life for ME. No one else....and you should too. Don't be concerning yourself with what everyone else is doing/thinking/saying. Are they in your shoes? Are they paying your bills? Have their opinions of you and your life ever had an impact on your ability to function/breathe? No?? I didn't think so.

• Hug the SHIT out of someone at least once a day - Anyone can give a hug. More often than not you totally know when it's a fake/obligatory hug. I say hug the shit out of someone at least once a day. Get up in there. Use both arms. Smush your face against their face. Feel their heartbeat. I promise if you do this at least once a day your soul will thank you. 

• Pants Off / Dance Off in your living room - Keep your pants on if you feel like it. Either way....just dance. Like an idiot. Do the robot. Pelvic thrust into the air. Just rage. Once a day.....that's all it takes. Just take a few minutes to get all up in that mix. Not only are you having a blast (and probably laughing at yourself because you look like an idiot) but you are also working out. Strange right?

• Stay in touch - Send a message every now and then to your friends. Yes....I get it. I know, I know. You're busy. You don't have the time. You're soooo swamped. I don't give a shit. Those are all excuses. Relationships and Friendships don't just develop on their own. They need to be nurtured and cared for. Text an old friend when you're sitting on the crapper. Call your grandma when you're stuck in traffic (hands free people). Just stay in touch. Relationships are a two way street and the only way to cultivate them and make them last is to stay in touch. So take some time to hit up someone special. I'm sure they would love to hear from you as much as you would love to hear from them.

• INDULGE - In something. Anything you enjoy. Ice Cream, books, trashy reality TV...whatever it is that floats your boat...indulge in that shit. Make time for it. Enjoy it once in a while. Nothing wrong with making yourself happy. We are SO consumed with making our boss, partner, coworker, mailman, friends, parents, (whoever really), happy....that we tend to forget to take some time out of our day to make ourselves happy. Do that. You're important too you know.

• Laugh......a whole fucking lot - Find the joy and peace in the simple things. Laugh until your stomach hurts. Say some corny jokes every once in a while. Send funny memes to your friends. Look at the Kim Kardashian crying picture (that shit ALWAYS makes me laugh). I have found that even when life is shitty.....I am sad...my life is a "disaster"....laughing always helps. It instantly puts a smile on my face and brings a sense of ease to my mind. Laugh at yourself. I know I do. I make myself laugh all the fucking time. Just laugh. Doctors do say it's the best medicine you know. 

I'm not saying that this list is the end all /be all of shit that will make your life better. You might read this list and think I'm crazy. That is fine with me. You might read this list and never give any thought to my suggestions. That is cool too. But if at least one of you walk away after reading this and try something I listed......that will make me pretty fucking stoked about life. Those things I shared up there make my life complete. They bring joy and happiness to the crazy-ass adventure I call my life.

Going back to what I said above.....I know that all of us sit and compare. We are all guilty of it at some point. My advice is this......FUCK IT. Do you boo boo! Be happy with your life.....all aspects of it. Even the parts that you feel need some improvement. Love those babies too! Remember that life is a precious gift. We were placed on this Earth to do something amazing. Whether it is becoming a doctor, a trash man, a stand-up comedian, friend, family member, or even just a random little hobby blogger like myself.....we are all here to do great things and touch the lives of those around us in a profound way. 

Enjoy life. Laugh a lot. Cry when you need to. Bust out when you want to. Make fun of yourself. Excel in what makes you happy. Strive to be a better version of who you were yesterday. Most importantly....NEVER EVER EVER forget that you are a fucking blessing. Yeah....I said YOU. So stop comparing and spend your time reflecting on the awesome fucking blessing that is your life. Oh and smile. A lot. You deserve it.

"Why compare yourself with others? No one in the entire world can do a better job of being you than you" -Unknown

PS:

You're Welcome for the laugh lol

Ignorance is bliss......says who?

So as I mentioned in one of my first blogs, I have Bipolar Disorder. For me, having lived with this condition for over 8 years now and it being such an everyday part of my life, I tend to forget I even have it.

Shortly after being diagnosed I remember feeling so ashamed of my diagnosis. I was so afraid people would be able to look at me and just know.....like I was running around with some sort of label on my forehead for all to see. I remember I used to cry and blame God for the shitty cards I had been dealt. I would think of myself as some sort of cripple or victim....someone who has had their life stolen from them. I was 19 when I was diagnosed. A sophomore at Cal State Fullerton. Newest member of the Delta Zeta Beta Psi pledge class. I was young, wild and free. I didn't have time to deal with doctors, medication, blood work. I wasn't ready for my entire life to change so quickly and so drastically. 

I had heard the negative portrayal of people with Bipolar Disorder in the news....I had heard the careless and uneducated ways people would throw around the term "bipolar"....

"Bipolar woman eats her baby's brain" 

 "Man with Bipolar Disorder shoots gun on a plane"

"OMG she is such a PSYCHO. she must be bipolar"

"Shut up. You're so bipolar"

It's hard enough maneuvering around in a world when you are so young, trying to grow into your own skin and develop your own identity......to then discover you have this lifelong, super permanent medical condition that you need to be mindful of day in and day out. It flat out sucks balls.....there is really no other way around it.

Bipolar Disorder: A chemical imbalance of the brain; typically arises when the brain does not produce enough serotonin. Formerly called 'Manic Depression', is a mental illness that brings severe high and low moods and changes in sleep, energy, thinking, and behavior. 

Being 19 and recently diagnosed....I felt like a monster. I spent years of my life feeling angry, hurt, let down by God, alone. I felt like a total victim. I never felt good enough, always ashamed, and BEYOND afraid to tell anyone or have anyone find out....for fear they would judge me based off the 'not-so-kind' stigma/view the world had on people who suffered from Bipolar Disorder....or mental illness in general.

There are nearly 60 million people across the United States alone living with mental illness. Approximately 10 million of those people suffer from Bipolar Disorder specifically. That is a lot of fucking people.......I'm actually not as alone as I thought. My doctor always used to tell me that with the right medication, therapy, and routine maintenance my life could be as normal as anyone else....that being diagnosed wasn't the end of the world. For years I used to think she was full of shit. Refusing to accept my diagnosis and what it meant for the rest of my life was easier than just dealing with the reality of my situation. Avoiding it, not taking care of myself, drinking all of my problems away.....these were WAY easier ways to cope with it. I didn't want to accept that my life had to change. I didn't want to accept that this was permanent...................but all this behavior did was keep me cycling...in and out of my disorder.....in and out of hospitals. My life no longer belonged to me......it belonged to this condition.

I'm not going to share the details of my experiences.....they are horrible and painful memories that I live with every single day (maybe someday I'll share them). What I will share with you is the moment I realized my life needed to change. While hospitalized in a county facility I was literally punched in the face 3 times.....by a very angry patient. I was alone and heartbroken. I literally had nothing left in life. I had seriously hit rock bottom. It was that moment in time that I realized I HAD to make some sort of a change. Something needed to change and it needed to change quick or this would become my life. I could never be a good mom, a reliable partner/wife, a decent friend......none of this would ever happen for me if I didn't turn my life around.

I used to think that being diagnosed Bipolar was a death sentence. I was depressed because I felt my life no longer belonged to me. There are SO many people out there in the world battling things so much worse than I. People with literal time stamps on their lives. People who continue to fight the good fight knowing their time is almost up. That is not me. Luckily I have been fortunate enough to find the proper medication and lifestyle regiment that works for me. I have been hospitalization free (knock on wood) for over 4 years.....and for someone who was cycling in and out of hospitals every 2 years.....that is an AMAZING accomplishment and I am damn fucking proud of it.

I'm not going to sit here and say life is peachy. I have off days like everyone else. I cycle up and down like most individuals. I have those days where I can touch the sky.....and those days where I don't even want to get out of bed or answer my phone. I get angry sometimes.....I get sad because living with Bipolar Disorder isn't easy.....but I'm here. I am alive. I am HEALTHY. I am out fighting the good fight.

By no means am I saying that my experience is the norm. There are millions of people who struggle with this condition and we all experience it in different ways. What I am here to say is that I am the product of the struggle. I am the face of those who struggle in silence. I am living and breathing proof that not everyone with Bipolar Disorder is some monster like the media makes us out to be. Not all of us are crazy lunatics like the movies or TV portrays us as. I can GUARANTEE almost all of you reading this didn't even know I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder over 8 years ago.

I wish more people took the time to become a little more educated when it comes to mental illness and mental health. It hurts when I hear people drop the term 'bipolar' in their conversations frivolously. There is such a negative stereotype out there about mental illness.....it is so unfortunate. Ignorance is not bliss. I don't care what the fuck that quote says. All I do care about is getting people to realize that living with mental illness is nothing to be afraid of. It's not as uncommon or taboo as people make it seem. You NEVER know who you might be hurting with the things you say. Let us all take some time to be a little more cautious of the things we say and the assumptions we make.......we never know who might be struggling in silence within earshot.

The one thing I've learned from EVERYTHING I have been through.....all of the good....bad....the horrible...emotional..all of it.....from all of this I have learned that in order to be truly free I had to realize that the only person I needed acceptance from was myself. It never mattered what anyone else thought or said. I was the key to my own sobriety. I, not my disorder, controlled the way my life would play out. I spent so many years living ashamed of what other people might think of me if they found out I was living with Bipolar Disorder. You know what I've come to realize.....fuck them. Those that matter don't mind and those that mind don't fucking matter.

It is a lifelong battle.....but I am happy. I am blessed. I am fortunate to wake up every single day and enjoy life.....live it to the fullest. I live and take each day ONE step at a time. I am in control of my disorder....I no longer allow it control me. I am in an amazing place....mind, body, soul.....and that my friends...is something so sacred and so special. Something I have worked hard to accomplish.....something that NO ONE can take away from me....and for that...I am damn proud.

"I think the challenge is to take difficult and painful times and turn them into something beneficial...something that makes you grow" - Michelle Akers


If you are interested in additional information about Mental Health visit:

• NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness

• NIH: National Institute of Mental Health

I have a love/hate relationship with letting go....and I know you do too.

Sometimes letting go is easier said than done. 

Not sure if many people know this...but my father and I have had a sorted relationship since I was a kid. We never really saw eye to eye on much.....fought constantly...all that jazz. I doubt many of you knew this because we were just so good at being fake. Plastering on that smile, hugging and kissing, posing for family photos. Yeah.....

We were the type that would fight the ENTIRE way to a party....but as soon as we parked the car we were all smiles. Looking back it kinda freaks me out at how good we all were at being fake. Never letting people see how much pain we really felt.....never letting people know what really went on behind closed doors....for fear of exposing the reality of our situation.....we weren't happy at all.

I have struggled to maintain a relationship with my father since his separation from my mom. I literally felt sometimes like I was chasing a ghost. It should never be that much of a struggle to spend time with your own father. I would sit and cry and beg him to just be part of my life....get him to understand that I needed nothing from him....I just wanted his love. I wanted him around. I wanted him to make me feel like he gave a shit.

He would feed me some AMAZING lies....make me feel like this time things between he and I were going to be different. I would leave our dinners with my heart so full. Feeling on top of the world. Eventually he would always find a way to crush everything I felt....everything I had invested my heart in. The inevitable let down became almost like a joke....an internal bet of how long it would take for his true self to resurface and his house of cards/lies to come tumbling down. I would sit and wonder how long it was going to take for him to let me down and shatter my heart.....yet again. I knew it would come.....and like clockwork.....there he was breaking his promises along with my heart.

I spent SO MANY YEARS of my life feeling inferior. Feeling as though I was never good enough. Like the black sheep. The problem child. The rebellious loud mouth who was disrespectful as fuck. Yeah I've always had a mouth on me....and no, I've never been afraid to stand up to anyone when it came to what I felt in my heart was right.....including my own dad. Until recently....I actually still felt like I wasn't good enough. I couldn't figure out what more I could possibly do to show my dad I was accomplished....that my life was something to be proud of....that I was someone deserving of his love.

I'll never forget this one afternoon while sitting at Mimi's Cafe having lunch with my dad....he sat there and told me he wanted to try and have a son because his life didn't feel fufilled. I SHIT you not....he said that. He later tried to change it around, claiming he never meant to make it seem like my sister and I weren't enough for him.....but I knew what he meant that day.....and I knew how much it hurt to hear those words come out of his mouth.

As many know.....life moves on. Everyone eventually picks up and moves on. My father has done that....new fiancee, new son, new life. It's crazy how clear he has made it to both my sister and I that we no longer fit in with his "new world". This was crushing......I can't speak for my sister but I know it sucked for me to feel as though yet again....I wasn't good enough. I felt rejected....at a loss. Inferior. Then it hit me.....the question isn't 'what is wrong with me'? The question here is what the FUCK is wrong with him?!

I was angry with myself for ever feeling as though I wasn't good enough. As if there were something I must not have been doing right. I must have been doing something so wrong in order to not be deserving of my dads love and affection. Fuck that mess. I am good enough. I am an amazing woman. I am strong, courageous, outspoken. I am intelligent, driven, accomplished. Most importantly....I am loving, supportive, and kind. I put others before myself and love fearlessly every single day. I have amazing friends and family. I am blessed each and every day with the many blessings God has graced my life with.

It was never about me.....nor was it about my sister. It has never been about our shortcomings....or the things we were doing wrong. It's actually my dad. He has his own set of issues and demons he needs to deal with. He isn't happy with himself. There are things missing from his own life.....making him incomplete. These are all things I can't control or fix. No matter how much I love him.....it won't ever be enough....because he doesn't love himself.

Eventually I had to part ways with my father and his toxicity....for my own benefit. I couldn't continue trying to save the sinking ship. No matter what I did or said....it would never matter because he fights his own war with himself. As much as it killed me to make this decision.....to finally let go and let God.....I knew in my heart it was the best decision for me. I'm not sure what life has in store. Maybe one day our paths will cross and he will be a different man. Maybe one day we can build back what has been broken. Or maybe we will never speak again....and we will just be two strangers walking in the night. Regardless, I know I will be happy with whatever outcome is MEANT to be.

We are here on this earth to live once. We only get one shot to make this life the BEST life. Surround yourself with people who make your soul happy. The people who make you laugh until you cry. Those who will ALWAYS be honest with you, never sugarcoating life because they think that's what you need. Find those amazing people who add to your life....not subtract from it. Learn from my many mistakes.....it is OK for you to let go of toxic people and move on. It doesn't matter who they are.......family members, close friends, colleagues, or the stranger on the street.....you have every right to protect yourself and your heart.

I can't sit here and say that I am happy with the fact that I have basically told my dad to go fuck himself (yeah...our conversation went something like that). I can't honestly admit that I am thrilled because I'm human and I have a heart. Yet regardless of my emotional connection and history.......this relationship is toxic. It brings me nothing but pain, anguish, sadness, sorrow, anger, rage. I know at the end of the day God ALWAYS has a plan. I know he brings people into our lives and takes them out of our lives for a reason. I just have to put my faith in someone higher than myself and know that in the end it is what it is.

Letting go takes courage. It takes analysis. It takes sitting back with your thoughts and assessing ALL aspects of your life. It is hard to let go and walk away from things or people sometimes....yet at the end of the day when we feel in our hearts it is time to let go...it is probably for the best. Don't be afraid of the unknown. More often than not the unknown holds things for us that are FAR MORE AMAZING than we could have ever imagined.

"Some of us think holding on makes us strong but sometimes it is letting go that makes us strong " - Hermann Hesse

I've got 99 problems but your BITCH ASS ain't one.

Disclaimer:

I am ON one today. I am frustrated and angry. I am sick and tired of people and their bullshit. The following blog is a GIANT FUCKING rant.......so deal with it.

I know it's a CRAZY idea for some people to wrap their heads around........yeah I know......a divorced person is allowed to move on?! Say what?! Just because something doesn't work out.....doesn't mean something better won't come along. It does......and in my case it did.

My life is in such a magical place right now.....I just want to take a photograph of it so I can keep it and treasure this moment in time forever. I am healthy, happy, and at peace with myself. At the end of the day.....that is all that matters.

I will not apologize for moving on. I will not say I'm sorry for waking up and realizing I deserved better. I am human. I have feelings like everyone else. We all reach a level in our lives when enough is enough. We sit with ourselves and have to be honest with ourselves. I was NOT happy. I repeat....I was NOT happy. I was miserable actually. I gave everything I had to a situation. I fought hard for it......and at the end of the day....the necessary changes never came. I was the only one fighting. The only one trying. So I packed up and moved on.......and did what was best for ME. I became selfish....fucking sue me. I realized what I knew all along.....I am a good woman with A LOT to offer a partner in life....and I deserved better. I deserved my happy ending....and I would stop at nothing to get it.

It is a BIG decision to walk away from a marriage....from a life you thought you were building with someone else. It took me MANY MANY months to come to that decision.....but when I felt it in my head and my heart I knew that walking away was the right choice for me. It's ok to be selfish. It is OK to think of what is best for you and to act on it. Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise. In fact....if someone tries to tell you otherwise....flash them the middle finger and tell them to sit on it and twist.

With ALL of that said....I need to address a serious issue. MOVING ON. It makes me sad that people don't know when to move on. When enough is enough. I am an individual and I have EVERY FUCKING RIGHT to be on the pursuit of happiness. I can move on. There is nothing that states when someone is allowed to move on......how much time one person must dwell in the land of stagnancy and self-pity. I don't owe anyone ANYTHING. I repeat.......I don't owe ANYONE ANYTHING. I walked away with my head held high......you should all probably do the same.....and yeah.....you know who you are. Those of you that still hang on every word I say. Those of you OBSESSED with what I'm doing with my life. Those of you who clearly have nothing else going on in your lives and you feel the need to get all up in my business and run your mouths about how I've chosen to live my life after walking away. For you........I tell you this.....MOVE THE FUCK ON. I've got 99 problems and your bitch ass ain't one of them. Actually....my life is fucking amazing and I have no problems at all.....but you're ALL annoying so just go away already.

Now that I have cleared the air about that issue....I would like to address one last issue. That issue is the one of beating a dead horse over the head with a stick.

Disclaimer #2:

This next portion of my ranty-pants blog may or may not apply to you. If it does.....sorry I'm not sorry. Deal with it.

I have moved on with my life. I am insanely blessed. I am happy. My heart is FULL of laughter and love. My family bonds are closer than ever. I adore my family. They are my rock. My support system. My mother and my sister are my best friends.....and without their jokes, hugs, and constant love I would feel very lost. My friends are SO FUCKING AMAZING. They bring so much joy to my life. They are the first to toast to the all the bitch ass hoes that hate me the most. They keep me grounded and for that I am forever grateful to all of those who have chosen to make a space for me in their hearts.....I love EVERY one of you so very much.

ALLLLLLLL of that said.......I do not wish to discuss my past. I've moved on. Grieved it. Joked about it. Laughed and cried about it.....and moved on. That whole experience helped shape the woman that I am. I learned so much about myself throughout that whole process. As hurt as I was by everything.....after the dust settled I discovered I needed that experience. I needed that to grow as a woman, as a partner, and as a friend. I don't regret a single moment of that experience because I am a better woman due to the experience. But for the love of god.......can we all please just move on?! Yeah I'm 27 and divorced. Yeah.....it didn't work out for me. Yes I was strong enough to recognize the difference between right and wrong. I decided to put my big girl panties on and accept the "loss" because I knew in the long run I not only deserved better....but eventually I would find it. I became the woman my mother raised me to be.....the strong, independent, vivacious woman who REFUSES to settle for anything less than the best.

I want to leave the past in the past. I think sometimes that is the biggest mistake we make as individuals. We can't allow the past to just remain in the past. I am not one of those people that likes to dwell on things. I don't want to continue rehashing things that quite frankly don't deserve another second of my time. It is in the past for a reason. Let us leave it there shall we? Do me a favor.....let it go. I have......you should too.

So to put this insanely LONG (sorry I'm not sorry about it) ranty-pants blog to bed.......

FUCKING DROP IT. PUT THE PAST IN THE PAST AND MOVE ON. 

Enjoy RIGHT now....this very moment in time. In the blink of an eye it will be gone. So live in the now.

"With everything that has happened to you...you can either feel sorry for yourself or treat what has happened to you as a gift. Everything is either an opportunity to grow or an obstacle to keep you from growing. YOU get to choose" - Wayne Dyer

Happiness Is...

Life is crazy because we always think we know what makes us happy.....what exactly it is that we are searching for that will make us happy.

I know there are some sappy ridiculous quotes that say "Stop searching....when you least expect it....it will find you." I used to believe that was a crock of shit.......but it's actually true. I know it's true because it happened to me. When you stop searching for it.....it comes to you. Unexpectedly. Unannounced. Happiness just shows up.....and I couldn't be more thrilled about it.

I've spent so many years of my life searching....as I know many of you have. Searching for acceptance, guidance, happiness, love, joy, peace. Have you ever noticed when you stop looking for something you find it? I once spent WEEKS searching for my favorite necklace. I had given up hope and considered the necklace a total loss. Randomly this one day I was going through a box and boom....there it was. No idea why or how on earth it wound up there......but I was so excited to find it. I think that's the way life is supposed to work. When we stop searching for things to fulfill us they randomly make their way into our lives.

I really do believe that everything in life happens for a reason. We endure the good and the bad in our lives because they build us. They all shape us into the people we are. Sometimes we just aren't ready for the things we desire most. Sometimes we have to endure certain trials and tribulations in order to make sure we are ready for the things to come. We have to grow....mature...evolve. God has GREAT things in store for us. He just wants to make sure we are ready and able to appreciate them. I really believe that.

I have been so insanely happy. Every aspect of my life has taken an amazing turn for the better. Work, Friends, Love.....all an amazing shift. I'm starting to believe it is because I reached a point in my life where I stopped searching and just allowed life to take its course.

Happiness is to me............just being happy. Truly loving yourself for all that you are.....in every moment of your life. Happiness is embracing all.....and just letting yourself be truly free. It takes a lot for a person to go through difficult times and still find the good in the experience. I can tell you right now....that everything I have been through....everything I have endured.....has brought me to this moment in my life....and I couldn't be happier. I am the happiest I have ever been. I am beginning to see the good in the bad.....the brilliance that can come from something once tarnished. I've learned that the only person who can define your happiness is you and you alone.

Once you reach the point of total freedom in your head and your heart you can truly appreciate the amazing things that life has to offer. We can all sit and dwell on the things that didn't work....the stuff that fell apart....the pain and hurt we have felt in our lives. What good will that do? Does it really make you happy to drag around the bad from your past? We get it......we all have some fucked up shit we have dealt with in our lives. I am WELL aware of this. When are we going to allow ourselves to let it go and just move on? We are always the hardest on ourselves. We replay things in our mind.....we refuse to let things go. We need answers and feel everything has to make perfect sense. Crazy thing is it doesn't.....sometimes some of the shittiest things that happen to us come without a reason or an explanation. Unexpectedly.

I feel sometimes the unexpected just appears into our lives not by coincidence......but by fate.

Fate works in crazy ways.

Happiness to me.....allowing myself to have faith in fate. Knowing that there is always something bigger in the stars for me. The security in my heart of knowing I am FUCKING BLESSED. Happiness to me is allowing myself to finally appreciate the amazing things that have come into my life......because I deserve them.

What is happiness to you? What makes you smile and warms your heart and soul? Allow yourself to stop searching for the things that make you happy or searching for the reasons things didn't work out and just live in the now. Live in the present. Soon enough.....I promise happiness will appear....in the least likely place. Unexpectedly. Unannounced.

"The moments of happiness we enjoy the most take us by surprise. It is not that we seize them......but that they seize us" -Ashley Montagu

Freedom

Freedom seems so natural to all of us. A God given right most of us would say. We are born free. Free to choose love. Free to live our lives....to laugh and enjoy every moment that we have. I think in a way we all get so caught up in the day to day we call life that we almost take our freedom for granted. What if we suddenly weren't free? What if we lost all control? If we got so stuck in the roll of a prisoner to our own lives that we aren't living free at all?

I say this because I was once a prisoner.....to myself. I allowed myself to become comfortable with the uncomfortable. I stopped letting my voice be heard. In a twisted way I became "OK" with being static. Granted I was out living my life. I went to work, hung out with friends.....did all of the things a normal, free person would do. Yet as I look back on life the last several years I realized I wasn't free at all. I was miserable and lying to myself and those around me.

They say in order to make another person happy you must in turn be happy with yourself. Looking back, I wasn't happy at all. I was a walking, talking, depressed skeleton-like version of myself. A lesser version of who I once was. I became that person who just went with the motions because I was so comfortable I didn't know any better. The worst part of it all was I convinced myself I didn't deserve better. How sad.....to know you're miserable but still convince yourself you don't deserve better.

I'll never forget the feeling I felt in my heart......deep in my soul actually, when I finally snapped back to MY reality and allowed myself to truly be free. It hit me like a fucking freight train. I don't deserve this. I DESERVE better. Once that snap happened it was like a fire lit under my ass. This revelation allowed me to set my soul free. It was in that moment that I stopped caring how much work it took, who I had to hurt, what I had to walk away from.....I was on a fucking MISSION to set myself free.

It is so crazy to think how complacent we become. How much we settle for what is comfortable and right now. We don't really take the time to evaluate our lives, our heart, our soul......to figure out if we are truly free. Freedom isn't just the ability to marry who you want, live where you want, or vote for the president. Freedom is a state of mind. A place your heart lives in. The location your soul wanders to.

Freedom comes with a price. It takes work. We as humans are constantly evolving. Our interests and tastes are always changing. We are always advancing and maturing. Our lives are progressing forward with each day that passes. With this constant change brings change in our heart and soul. It takes more to be truly free. It is a constant uphill battle. Being truly free isn't for the faint of heart.....nor is it for those who crave instant gratification. True freedom takes work. Every single day......we must work to remain free.

We ALL want to live freely.....so why not fucking do it?! We get so caught up in life that I think many of us forget what it feels like to be truly free. We settle into our lives and convince ourselves that being truly free is unrealistic and unattainable. How sad a life where our heart and soul is a prisoner must be.....I should know....I was living that life for what now feels like an eternity.

Let's all strive for freedom. We should all be working to keep our soul and our heart happy. Fill your life with what makes you happy. If you love to color in coloring books...fucking do it. You like to lay on the grass and make shapes out of clouds with no regard for anything other than that moment in time......go for it! Laughing with friends until you almost pee your pants tickle your fancy.....make that a priority in your life! Money comes and goes.....looks fade......material possessions are here today and gone tomorrow. Your soul and your heart on the other hand....those are a part of you FOREVER. Why not nourish them and set them free? That feeling I felt the day I allowed myself to be truly free is something money can't buy. Nothing can substitute that feeling. Allow yourself to be truly free. I promise you the experience is something truly magical. A magic I know we ALL deserve to experience.

"The most important kind of freedom is to be what you really are. You trade in your reality for a role. You trade in your sense for an act. You give up your ability to feel, and in exchange, put on a mask. There can't be any large-scale revolution until there's a personal revolution, on an individual level. It's gotta happen inside first." - Jim Morrison

Opinions

Opinions are like assholes.....everyone and their damn mother has one.

It's funny because we ALL say that. You know damn well there have been countless times you roll your eyes and say that exact line. Followed by ranting and raving for another hour about how much you hate DESPISE when people give you their unwanted and unwelcome opinions. Yet the funny thing about that is we are (at the same time) guilty of giving our own opinions.......even if no one has asked for them. Why the hell do we do that? Like why are we all so damn hypocritical?!

I always appreciate hearing from others. I am a firm believer that we can learn so much from people. There are SOO many people in the world. With their own opinions, experiences, and takes on life. I love listening to people....I love hearing about the life moments (big or small) that have made them who they are. I feel that unless we are constantly growing and evolving we aren't progressing. Rather we stay stuck in a stand still and just spend our whole lives trying to escape from the quicksand that is sucking us down.

The shit I don't like.......people giving their unwanted opinions about MY life. My life is my life. That simple. What I do or don't do with it is my business. Unless I'm Walter White-ing it and cooking meth out of my mom's basement I don't really need your opinions or interventions. There is a fine line between when I turn to you for your opinions and advice..........and when you overstep boundaries and start talking endlessly about how YOU think I should live MY life. Reread that little fragment for a second and tell me what's wrong with what I just said. No one.....I repeat NO ONE has the right to tell you how you should or shouldn't be living your own life. If you are free and you are doing your thing....props to you.

I consider myself a responsible moderately responsible adult. I work. I pay my own taxes and bills. I live an honest life. I'm somewhat funny. I am loyal to everyone I love. I enjoy laughter and making memories. I'm not perfect. By no means am I perfect.....but I am doing the best with what God has given me....and to me that is suffice.

I take pride in my life.....all of the good, the bad, the ugly, and the magical things that I have experienced. I feel that no matter what I have experienced in my life, it was all meant to happen for a reason. To bring me to the next phase of my life. I don't regret anything.....nor do I spend too much time dwelling on "could have" or "should have" been. I know I fuck up from time to time (I'm human). I know I don't always say or do the right thing (sue me). At the end of the day.....I do the best I can and I'm proud of that.

I wish people would spend LESS time giving their unwanted opinions about my life or how I'm living it and spend more time assessing their OWN situations. People are always quick to give their two cents (if you're going to bother me at least give me a $20. Any less than that is a slap to my face). I think at the end of the day all of us are guilty of hiding from our own problems. We have SO MUCH SHIT in our own lives that we refuse to deal with that we think it's acceptable to deflect and project onto others.......and that shit is not cool. I repeat.....it is NOT cool. Stop it.

We all care for the people we choose to have in our lives. I know this....but maybe we all need to spend a little less time throwing our opinions out into the airwaves and a lot more time working on our own shit. Do you and let me do me ok? Life is crazy beautiful and we will all probably spend our whole lives trying to figure out what the fuck we are doing with ourselves. I just ask that we give opinions to OURSELVES about our own lives. I've heard some pretty interesting opinions about my life and what I'm doing with it from people who have no business speaking because they can't even balance their own checkbooks.

Do yourselves (and all of us really) a favor.......and fucking DO YOU. Mind your own business. If something is happening and you don't agree but no one is asking your opinion.....keep that shit to your damn self. Focus on what you are doing. What do you want from your life? Are you happy? Where do you want to be in 5 years? Just spend more time worrying about #1 and less time worrying about the rest of us. I promise you we all figure our own shit out in our OWN time....and that's the way it should be. Who the hell are you to tell me how to live my life anyway?!

"Who are you to judge the life I live? I know I'm not perfect.....and I don't have to be....but before you start pointing fingers make sure your hands are clean" - Bob Marley 

How are YOU?!

I'm outspoken as fuck and a majority of the time I just want to look at someone that asks me that and say:

"Well my husband ex-husband lied to me the entire time we were together. He is an alcoholic. He has rage issues.....he can't make any decisions for himself since he still sucks his moms tits....oh and after 2 months of being married I decided to file for divorce. How the FUCK are you?"

But I refrain. I breathe in deep and smile and say "I'm great thank you", mainly because airing my dirty laundry to the whole world isn't the thing to do (yes I am aware I did just that above....and it felt fucking AMAZING so fuck off if you don't like it). 

For those of you who have been wondering, calling, texting, or sitting with your thoughts because you aren't sure how to bring it up to me......I promise you I am fine. I am fucking FREE. I haven't been free, nor have I felt this alive, in years. I am relishing every second of every day because the feeling I get when I wake up in the morning is like a drug. When you suffer in hell for so long eventually you forget what it feels like to be alive. FYI: It feels FANTASTIC. 

It shocks me just how "OK" we become with things. How much we voluntarily sweep under the rug called our lives because we are hoping things will change.....or we don't want to get others involved in our issues. When people would see me out and ask how I was doing....I wish I would have told more people "I'm fucking miserable actually." Maybe had I just been honest with myself and my feelings sooner I might have been able to avoid the mess that has become my life. Why do we sit waiting for people to ask us how we are doing?! Why don't we ask OURSELVES that question? Like why don't I wake up and ask "How the fuck are you doing today Jackie? Let's assess your feelings today." We all get so caught up with life, rent, bills, relationships, drama, Chipotle, social media, bullshit, etc. that we never really take the time out to assess our own feelings. Maybe if we as individuals were to take more time to ask ourselves how we are doing instead of always concerning ourselves with how everyone else is doing we would all feel a tad bit more free.

I propose we start assessing ourselves. Each and every day. Check in with you. Touch base with your head and your heart. Ask yourself "How are YOU?" Be real with yourself. Be open with your feelings. Address them and respect them for all that they are.....and all that they aren't. As I said above.....maybe had I taken a little more time to address my own feelings, I would have realized that I knew my relationship was fucked. I knew we were doomed. I knew we would never make it a year. I knew all of this.....yet I chose to ignore the feelings and the signs because I didn't want to accept the reality of MY situation.....which was that I wasn't doing well at all. 

Faking smiles and avoiding your feelings are temporary band-aids for a more serious and pressing issue. You can't hide from your heart forever. I couldn't hide from mine......you're no exception. So do yourself a favor. Don't make the same mistake I did. Look yourself in the mirror honestly every single day and ask the most important person in the whole world this question every day:

"How are YOU?"

I promise you won't regret it. 

"Happiness is not something you postpone for the future; it is something YOU design for the present" -Jim Rohn