Ignorance is bliss......says who?

So as I mentioned in one of my first blogs, I have Bipolar Disorder. For me, having lived with this condition for over 8 years now and it being such an everyday part of my life, I tend to forget I even have it.

Shortly after being diagnosed I remember feeling so ashamed of my diagnosis. I was so afraid people would be able to look at me and just know.....like I was running around with some sort of label on my forehead for all to see. I remember I used to cry and blame God for the shitty cards I had been dealt. I would think of myself as some sort of cripple or victim....someone who has had their life stolen from them. I was 19 when I was diagnosed. A sophomore at Cal State Fullerton. Newest member of the Delta Zeta Beta Psi pledge class. I was young, wild and free. I didn't have time to deal with doctors, medication, blood work. I wasn't ready for my entire life to change so quickly and so drastically. 

I had heard the negative portrayal of people with Bipolar Disorder in the news....I had heard the careless and uneducated ways people would throw around the term "bipolar"....

"Bipolar woman eats her baby's brain" 

 "Man with Bipolar Disorder shoots gun on a plane"

"OMG she is such a PSYCHO. she must be bipolar"

"Shut up. You're so bipolar"

It's hard enough maneuvering around in a world when you are so young, trying to grow into your own skin and develop your own identity......to then discover you have this lifelong, super permanent medical condition that you need to be mindful of day in and day out. It flat out sucks balls.....there is really no other way around it.

Bipolar Disorder: A chemical imbalance of the brain; typically arises when the brain does not produce enough serotonin. Formerly called 'Manic Depression', is a mental illness that brings severe high and low moods and changes in sleep, energy, thinking, and behavior. 

Being 19 and recently diagnosed....I felt like a monster. I spent years of my life feeling angry, hurt, let down by God, alone. I felt like a total victim. I never felt good enough, always ashamed, and BEYOND afraid to tell anyone or have anyone find out....for fear they would judge me based off the 'not-so-kind' stigma/view the world had on people who suffered from Bipolar Disorder....or mental illness in general.

There are nearly 60 million people across the United States alone living with mental illness. Approximately 10 million of those people suffer from Bipolar Disorder specifically. That is a lot of fucking people.......I'm actually not as alone as I thought. My doctor always used to tell me that with the right medication, therapy, and routine maintenance my life could be as normal as anyone else....that being diagnosed wasn't the end of the world. For years I used to think she was full of shit. Refusing to accept my diagnosis and what it meant for the rest of my life was easier than just dealing with the reality of my situation. Avoiding it, not taking care of myself, drinking all of my problems away.....these were WAY easier ways to cope with it. I didn't want to accept that my life had to change. I didn't want to accept that this was permanent...................but all this behavior did was keep me cycling...in and out of my disorder.....in and out of hospitals. My life no longer belonged to me......it belonged to this condition.

I'm not going to share the details of my experiences.....they are horrible and painful memories that I live with every single day (maybe someday I'll share them). What I will share with you is the moment I realized my life needed to change. While hospitalized in a county facility I was literally punched in the face 3 times.....by a very angry patient. I was alone and heartbroken. I literally had nothing left in life. I had seriously hit rock bottom. It was that moment in time that I realized I HAD to make some sort of a change. Something needed to change and it needed to change quick or this would become my life. I could never be a good mom, a reliable partner/wife, a decent friend......none of this would ever happen for me if I didn't turn my life around.

I used to think that being diagnosed Bipolar was a death sentence. I was depressed because I felt my life no longer belonged to me. There are SO many people out there in the world battling things so much worse than I. People with literal time stamps on their lives. People who continue to fight the good fight knowing their time is almost up. That is not me. Luckily I have been fortunate enough to find the proper medication and lifestyle regiment that works for me. I have been hospitalization free (knock on wood) for over 4 years.....and for someone who was cycling in and out of hospitals every 2 years.....that is an AMAZING accomplishment and I am damn fucking proud of it.

I'm not going to sit here and say life is peachy. I have off days like everyone else. I cycle up and down like most individuals. I have those days where I can touch the sky.....and those days where I don't even want to get out of bed or answer my phone. I get angry sometimes.....I get sad because living with Bipolar Disorder isn't easy.....but I'm here. I am alive. I am HEALTHY. I am out fighting the good fight.

By no means am I saying that my experience is the norm. There are millions of people who struggle with this condition and we all experience it in different ways. What I am here to say is that I am the product of the struggle. I am the face of those who struggle in silence. I am living and breathing proof that not everyone with Bipolar Disorder is some monster like the media makes us out to be. Not all of us are crazy lunatics like the movies or TV portrays us as. I can GUARANTEE almost all of you reading this didn't even know I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder over 8 years ago.

I wish more people took the time to become a little more educated when it comes to mental illness and mental health. It hurts when I hear people drop the term 'bipolar' in their conversations frivolously. There is such a negative stereotype out there about mental illness.....it is so unfortunate. Ignorance is not bliss. I don't care what the fuck that quote says. All I do care about is getting people to realize that living with mental illness is nothing to be afraid of. It's not as uncommon or taboo as people make it seem. You NEVER know who you might be hurting with the things you say. Let us all take some time to be a little more cautious of the things we say and the assumptions we make.......we never know who might be struggling in silence within earshot.

The one thing I've learned from EVERYTHING I have been through.....all of the good....bad....the horrible...emotional..all of it.....from all of this I have learned that in order to be truly free I had to realize that the only person I needed acceptance from was myself. It never mattered what anyone else thought or said. I was the key to my own sobriety. I, not my disorder, controlled the way my life would play out. I spent so many years living ashamed of what other people might think of me if they found out I was living with Bipolar Disorder. You know what I've come to realize.....fuck them. Those that matter don't mind and those that mind don't fucking matter.

It is a lifelong battle.....but I am happy. I am blessed. I am fortunate to wake up every single day and enjoy life.....live it to the fullest. I live and take each day ONE step at a time. I am in control of my disorder....I no longer allow it control me. I am in an amazing place....mind, body, soul.....and that my friends...is something so sacred and so special. Something I have worked hard to accomplish.....something that NO ONE can take away from me....and for that...I am damn proud.

"I think the challenge is to take difficult and painful times and turn them into something beneficial...something that makes you grow" - Michelle Akers


If you are interested in additional information about Mental Health visit:

• NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness

• NIH: National Institute of Mental Health