Sorry I'm NOT Sorry.

So lately I had been MAD depressed. Like the worst depression I have ever felt in my entire life. I felt like dying. The thought of no longer existing and how much easier it would be if I wasn't around had crossed my mind. My thoughts had become so dark. I felt so alone, so lost. I didn't want to work, didn't want to see my family or friends. I just didn't want to exist. I had shut myself off from everything and everyone. I no longer felt like myself anymore.The doctors call it "Chemical Depression". Apparently its like the worst form of depression that you can have. The chemical imbalance in my brain was causing my depression. Nothing except medication would help at that point. It got so bad I didn't even want to write anymore. Every project I've been working on just came to a hault. I was a shell of myself. I could see myself going through the motions of a day but felt completely disconnected from myself. I reached out to my family for support and ...

So I know I blog alot about my mental health.....in all honesty blogging about it helps keep me in check and allows me to process and heal. Deal with the fact that this is my life. It's never going to get easier or change. I'm sure it seems like I have it all together....I fucking don't. At all. I am just struggling every day to keep the demons at bay and stay healthy....for my partner, my family, friends, and myself. No, I haven't had any episodes in 5 years. Yes that is an accomplishment and yes I am proud of myself for making it this long without an incident.....but there is no eternal okay-ness. I'm never satisfied. Never am I truly ok or cured. I'm just the average person struggling to make it through another day without snapping at someone. I still cycle. I have ups and downs. Good days and bad. It never truly gets better.....it just becomes more manageable. I still, after 5 years, struggle riding the waves. I still get terrified. I panic and freak mys...

"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while you could miss it" -Ferris Bueller That quote to me is so iconic. Not only is it from one of the greatest movies ever ( in my opinion of course ), but it is so meaningful.  Life moves a mile a minute. I can't even deal with the fact that July is already over (legit where did this month go). Every single day seems to blur together with the routine of living. Wake up - Go to work - Come home and make dinner - Catch up on some tivo - Bed. That has seriously become my life. I am so caught up with working, making money, general life stressors that every single day become monotonous. Routine. Predictable.  I think we as a people are so accustomed to living life......like just to live it. We worry about bills, family, friends, work, finances, love, relationships, just getting through the fucking day honestly. Each day we wake up and are already thinking about what we need to do the next...

So I've been a bit of a busy bee lately. Life has taken over and I have been busier than ever with work, social life, writing my book. I've officially started writing my book which has proven to be the most traumatic and therapeutic time of my life. Traumatic in the sense of reliving everything from my past I have tried so hard to keep in the past, and both therapeutic in the sense that I am able to fully process everything I have tried to forget about. Whoever said reliving your past or going back to a time in your life is an easy feat lied. This has by far been the most difficult time of my life. Remembering in detail moments of my life I have tried to push past has proven to be more difficult than living through those experiences in that moment of time. There have been countless times I have found myself wiping tears off my laptop keyboard, secretly hoping I have short circuited something so it gives me an excuse to not write anymore. This process has been more difficul...

For those of you who don't know ( don't worry....I didn't either until I used Google Translate ), my blog title is " Thankful " in Latin. I feel like I've been so caught up with everything going on in my life right now that I have forgotten to be grateful and thankful for all of the wonderful things/people in my life. I've become so engrossed with work stress, the emotional toll writing a book has taken, this medication change ( which has been quite the uphill battle I'm still tackling ), general life stressors, and now a new medical condition ( which I'm not fully ready to discuss as we are still in the process of testing and identifying the exact issue at hand ), I've found myself more depressed and negative than positive. I think we as humans get so caught up with focusing on the negatives that we often forget to acknowledge the good in our lives. The everyday interactions with people that make us smile, the kisses and hugs we take for g...

So this medication change has really thrown me for a loop. Lithium is the best in the business in terms of "Mood Stabilization" for people like myself with Bipolar Disorder. It basically keeps both the Mania and the Depression at bay. It also, after extended use time, can cause major problems with your body ( much of what was referenced in my post titled 'Curve Ball' ). My doctor and I are working hard to find the best combination that will work for me, providing me a better life quality. After all, Bipolar Disorder is life long, so finding the best medication for me is a necessity . When I started this medication change, I wasn't sure if I was going to be taken off Lithium completely, switched to something else, or placed on a combination of medications. The main goal was to get rid of all of the physical side effects that were causing so many issues in my day to day life. For those who don't know, you can't just switch from one medication to another....

1 in 3 women and 1 in 6 men worldwide experience some form of Sexual Violence. Less than 50% report these crimes. I am one of them. With April being Sexual Assault Awareness Month, I felt it finally time to share my story. I've always been very private and closed off when it came to discussing this story. In fact, it took me almost 2 years to even share my story with my sister. To this day there are parts of this story I have decided to just keep to myself. Take to the grave. I spent many years feeling nothing but shame, disgust, and sorrow. Damaged. Not worthy. It has taken me many years to understand that I am not a victim of Sexual Assault......I am a SURVIVOR . I have been permanently changed because of this event. It will always be part of me. But it isn't all of me. I am here. Alive. Breathing. Capable of love and trust. Yes, this experience altered my life.....but I am ALIVE .....when I thought I was going to die. And for that.......I am forever blessed and grate...

I've been dealing with a bit of a situation the last year or so. I've noticed over time that my body has stopped reacting to my medication in the way it once was. Over time I have developed severe stomach problems. Nausea, vomiting, other unmentionables. It's gotten to the point where my stomach is so uneasy I'm uncomfortable pretty much all of the time. My water intake has gotten pretty insane. I'm averaging 4-5 gallons of water....a day. I'm not even joking about this fact. I feel like my insides are on fire and the only way I can feel comfortable is by drinking water constantly. In addition to the thirst issues, my anxiety has tripled. I get frequent chest pains. It feels like there are literally knots in my chest. My sleep pattern has been ALL over the place. On average, I'm waking up every hour or two. Every night. I've become easily agitated and aggravated. All of these issues have just become progressively worse over the last year. I know what y...

So I have yet to mention my big news.....but now is as good a time as any. I've decided to write a book. I finally feel I have reached a place of security and stability when it comes to my Bipolar Disorder. This blog has really helped me by allowing me to open up candidly and freely about it. For so many years I was ashamed of it. Ashamed of the stigma that came with it. Afraid people would look at me differently and judge me ( mainly because this has happened to me before ). For so many years I just dealt with my issues in silence.....unable and unwilling to disclose private aspects of my life. When I decided to write this blog I felt it was finally time to accept my disorder and embrace it as part of me. I learned that in order to live with my condition, I had to accept it and be open to talking about it. As time passed I discovered I was still me.....nothing was different about myself. Yeah....I have Bipolar Disorder. So do millions of other functional members of society. S...

I swear life just sometimes gets the best of me. Sometimes I become so overwhelmed with work, my personal life, bills, and everything in between that I forget about me. Like just me . My emotions, my feelings, my mood. Life is hard enough. But living life with Bipolar Disorder can be tricky. It's hard to try and tell yourself " you're normal " when sometimes you feel anything but. I have to watch what I eat, drink, my levels of stress, how much I'm sleeping. Any little thing can trigger me. There are all sorts of things that can just send me into a spiral. Did you know that even while taking all of my medication something like stress can deplete it from my bloodstream? Yeah. It's that easy. I could be taking all of my pills every single day....they draw my blood....and it's like it isn't even there. I am constantly freaking out about EVERYTHING . I never want to run into an issue so I am always thinking about my condition, things I can do to simplify...