Pushing through the fog

So lately I had been MAD depressed. Like the worst depression I have ever felt in my entire life. I felt like dying. The thought of no longer existing and how much easier it would be if I wasn't around had crossed my mind. My thoughts had become so dark. I felt so alone, so lost. I didn't want to work, didn't want to see my family or friends. I just didn't want to exist. I had shut myself off from everything and everyone. I no longer felt like myself anymore.The doctors call it "Chemical Depression". Apparently its like the worst form of depression that you can have. The chemical imbalance in my brain was causing my depression. Nothing except medication would help at that point. It got so bad I didn't even want to write anymore. Every project I've been working on just came to a hault. I was a shell of myself. I could see myself going through the motions of a day but felt completely disconnected from myself.

I reached out to my family for support and was met with nothing but love, attention and unwavering support. I needed to lean on my family and my boyfriend for support. I could no longer fight the fight alone. I went to my doctor and explained the medication change just wasn't working for me. If you remember, I started a medication change a few months back. Over the last few months my mood and my spirit diminished. My depression got worse and worse. The fog became heavier and thicker as the days passed. I expressed how I felt like a lesser version of myself. How horrible I felt in my own skin. How badly I wanted to just feel like myself again.

I've been on Latuda and Lithium for a few months now. We were trying to take me completely off the Lithium and only on Latuda, but it just hasn't been working for me. My depression got the best of me. It's like being manic.....only the low side of the spectrum. An uncontrollable sadness. An everlasting cloud of utter loneliness. I just couldn't continue going at the rate I was going. The sadness and depression became intolerable. We discussed removing me from the Latuda and going back to the Lithium. In spite of all of the side effects of Lithium it is the only medication proven to work for managing my mania and my depression. It is the only medication that controls my highs and lows and allows me to feel like myself. I'm willing to take the side effects and live with them if it means I can feel like myself again.

I've never dealt with depression this bad. I've only dealt with the highs of Bipolar Disorder. The mania. The manic episodes. Never have I had to deal with the chemical lows. The sadness. The loneliness. The never ending dread of my negative thoughts. It's been tough.....feeling like a stranger in my own skin. Feeling like a lower grade version of myself. Hating the person I see in the mirror. Not even recognizing myself because I've become so detached from myself. Not wanting to be close to my friends or family. Not wanting to participate in activities or conversations. Not wanting to cuddle with my own boyfriend. Just wanting to escape.

Since I met with my doctor we increased my Lithuim and decreased my Latuda. It took several days but I am FINALLY pushing through the fog. I am finally starting to feel like myself again. I've been told there is a sparkle in my eyes again. I want to work. I want to see my family and friends. I want to be present. I FEEL present. I don't feel sad or down anymore. It feels amazing to feel good again. I'm soaking it all in because its been SO LONG since I felt remotely close to myself. I'm happy again and I am enjoying every second. It feels so great to feel like my old self again. I want to hold on to this moment in time and just live in it because I'm afraid my old friend depression is just waiting in the wing......waiting to take over my existence again.

Depression is a bitch. It honestly is. It robs you of everything. It leaves you sitting, a shell of who you once were, sad and lonely. Feeling miserable. Feeling so alone even if you are surrounded by everyone you love. It was hard for me to be asked what makes me happy. When you're depressed you don't even remember what makes you happy anymore. Happiness seems like a distant friend. An old lover. A long lost memory. I had nothing to say when asked what made me happy. That's how I knew my depression was bad......I couldn't name one thing that made me happy. Like truly happy. I have so many things and people in my life to be thankful for yet in that moment nothing came to mind. Happiness seemed like a foreign concept to me.

It's tough living within the fog. Never feeling like there is a way out. Feeling alone in a crowded space. I know some of you reading this have felt this way. I can't possibly be the only person who has lived within the haze of depression. So how do you get out of it? How do you push through the fog? For me it was a chemical switch. The chemical imbalance in my brain needed to be treated with medication. That was the only way to push through my fog. But how do we push through the fog of depression in our day to day lives?

My therapist suggested doing things that make me happy. Surrounding myself with the people I love the most. ASKING for what I need from people. Asking for anything is tough for me because I'm super independent and feel like I can tackle everything alone. News flash......I can't. You just can't. We weren't made to deal with everything alone. We just weren't.

I suggest when depression has got you down to take a step back and evaluate the situation. Figure out first what is causing the depression. Is it something that can be adjusted or fixed? Is it a situation that has you down? Is work bringing you down? There is always an underlying cause for your depression. The first step is to recognize it. It makes it easier to tackle it. The second step is reaching out. Letting the people closest to you know you are dealing with a funk. Let them help you. There is NOTHING wrong with asking for help. We all need help from time to time. Third is to focus on what makes you happy. What makes you you? Maybe its yoga, reading a book, going to the beach, watching trashy reality tv. What is it that makes YOU happy? Figure that out and do it. Do the things that make you happy. Surround yourself with the people that lift your spirits. Focus on making yourself happy.

Depression isn't easy. But it can be managed. For some of us it takes a little chemical adjustment, for others it can be a simple lifestyle change. Whatever the case may be, there is a light at the end of the dark tunnel. I know for me I felt like there was no light at the end. My journey looked bleak......but I found my way.

We need to focus on loving ourselves. Listening to our body and our mind. Nurturing them. Loving ourselves. When we take some time out to focus on our own happiness we will discover ourselves in better spirits. Take the time to listen to what your body and mind are telling you. Take a break when you need it. Go shopping when you want to. Eat a burger just because you're in that mood. Laugh until you almost pee your pants because it is GOOD for the soul. Become one with yourself. I think it's important to be in tune with what your body, mind and spirit are telling you. Love yourself. Remember to share that love with others. Depression can be a bitch, but it doesn't have to be the end all be all. Just remember to fight it one step at a time. You can and you WILL push through the fog. I did........with a lot of fight and determination. Always remembering there is a light at the end of the tunnel and that not every day is a bad day is key. One step at a time.

"Mountains know the secrets we need to learn. That it might take time, it might be hard, but if you just hold on long enough you will find the strength to rise up" - Tyler Knott Gregson

What if this is where I snap?

So I know I blog alot about my mental health.....in all honesty blogging about it helps keep me in check and allows me to process and heal. Deal with the fact that this is my life. It's never going to get easier or change. I'm sure it seems like I have it all together....I fucking don't. At all. I am just struggling every day to keep the demons at bay and stay healthy....for my partner, my family, friends, and myself.

No, I haven't had any episodes in 5 years. Yes that is an accomplishment and yes I am proud of myself for making it this long without an incident.....but there is no eternal okay-ness. I'm never satisfied. Never am I truly ok or cured. I'm just the average person struggling to make it through another day without snapping at someone.

I still cycle. I have ups and downs. Good days and bad. It never truly gets better.....it just becomes more manageable. I still, after 5 years, struggle riding the waves. I still get terrified. I panic and freak myself out. Am I too sad? Am I too happy? Am I too emotional? Emotionless? It's sad but it's my reality. I literally have to sit and question myself.......and my own happiness. For fear that I'm getting too out there. Too manic. Too abnormal. It's fucking exhausting. Living in a constant worry. Constantly second guessing myself. I overthink and worry like crazy. I don't think there is ever a moment where that isn't on my mind.

Life is crazy. It really is. It is hectic and stressful and anxiety-ridden. I am anxiety-ridden. There are days where I feel like I could tackle anything.....and moments where I feel like I can only handle one thing at a time...if that. Lately my life has been full of stuff. Just a bunch of crap going on. When things get overwhelming or too much I often find myself in my head asking "What if I don't get past this?" or "What if this is where I snap". Both valid concerns. I don't feel normal most of the time. I stress myself out. I get up in my own head. I feel like I'm about to break......

Then I remember.....life gets better. Life gets easier. This isn't the worst. This is merely a bump in the road. My life is a wonderful life. I'm happy. Blessed. Fortunate. Once I start reflecting on all of the good in my life.....my worries about everything else seem to disappear. I have to keep the faith......the faith in myself that everything will be ok. Today isn't the end of the world......it's just one crappy day in the sea of blessed ones.

It's hard when we become so consumed with the bad that we forget the good. We get so stressed about everything in life and we just forget to count the true blessings surrounding us. My last blog I talked about hitting the pause button and taking some time out for ourselves..........but I also want to mention taking some time out to count our blessings. It's easy to get so caught up with life that we forget to count those little blessings........be it your morning starbucks, cute text messages, making it to work on time, whatever.

For me....I get so caught up with my medical condition. ALWAYS stressing about it. Always concerned about it. I know it's good that it consumes me......but sometimes I fear it consumes too much of me. I forget to just breathe and let life happen. I get so nervous about having another episode that I psych myself out. I get up in my head and just linger there. I forget that I'm healthy, I'm on top of my medical condition. I have everything under control.

We can't run around always thinking "WHAT IF". We will spend our entire lives worried about the what if........letting moments pass us by. So what if I can't get everything done in a day? Tomorrow will be there. What if stress happens and something happens to me? I'll take it one step at a time and manage it. I spend WAY too much time in my own head and not enough time in reality......just living.

Can you say the same about yourself? How much time do you spend up in your head......and not in reality? I suggest we spend a little more time living in reality....and a little less time planning for the worst in our heads. We can be our best supporter and motivator and we can also be our worst enemy. Lets spend a little less time with the worst case.......and just enjoy the present. I know it's impossible to stop stressing.....I would be stupid if I thought I could ever just stop stressing about life......but maybe it's time for me to spend a little more time enjoying the moment for what it is right now....and a little less time stressing about something that hasn't even happened yet.

I once had a therapy session where I was stressing about family. Moments that hadn't happened yet. Events with hypothetical people and things that weren't even real. I was stressing myself out beyond belief over a moment in time that hadn't even presented itself yet.....in fact it might never present itself at all....I was just being me and overthinking and over-stressing. I'll never forget what that therapist told me. He looked at me and said:

"So let me get this straight. You're stressing out and freaking yourself out....putting massive anxiety on your plate...over situations and things that haven't even happened yet? Are you listening to yourself. You're literally making yourself sick over something that hasn't even taken place yet. You need to SLOW DOWN and STOP this pattern of thinking Jackie.....or you will always be stuck in the misery of what ifs."

That therapist was so right.....I allow myself to become so consumed with the WHAT IFS.....I don't even take a second out to just be. I am episode free. And I have been for 5 years. Instead of basking in the greatness that is that accomplishment, I am in my own head about the what ifs.

FUCK THE WHAT IFS. Honestly. Lets spend a little less time up in our heads and a little more time embracing the what is.....the right now. Be more in the present. Don't get so caught up for your own good. Whenever I feel myself pressured, to the point where I have a hard time breathing due to my anxiety, I take a step back and think of 5 things I am grateful for in that moment. 5 blessings that allow me to deter my pattern of thinking away from the what ifs and focus on the what is. The right now. If you feel yourself getting carried away......and I KNOW you will, take a step back and focus on 5 little things you are grateful for. Maybe its the starbucks on your desk, the fact that you hit every green light on the way to work, or maybe its something as simple as putting on matching socks that day......be GRATEFUL.

Spending a little less time on the what ifs and a little more time on the what is....the right now....the blessings.....is a life saver. Just remember when life gets overwhelming to take a step back and get out of your own head. It's for your own good. Promise.

"Get out of your head and get into your heart. Think less. FEEL more." - Osho 

Hitting that pause button.

"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while you could miss it"

-Ferris Bueller

That quote to me is so iconic. Not only is it from one of the greatest movies ever (in my opinion of course), but it is so meaningful. 

Life moves a mile a minute. I can't even deal with the fact that July is already over (legit where did this month go). Every single day seems to blur together with the routine of living. Wake up - Go to work - Come home and make dinner - Catch up on some tivo - Bed. That has seriously become my life. I am so caught up with working, making money, general life stressors that every single day become monotonous. Routine. Predictable. 

I think we as a people are so accustomed to living life......like just to live it. We worry about bills, family, friends, work, finances, love, relationships, just getting through the fucking day honestly. Each day we wake up and are already thinking about what we need to do the next week. We aren't even living for today anymore. When I make plans with my friends I literally have to schedule it out a month in advance because that is "just how crazy busy my life is". I don't know about you but the thought of living to just get through another day is killer sometimes.

Whatever happened to hitting the pause button? Why don't we take more time out of our hectic day to day to just ENJOY. Enjoy life. Each other. OURSELVES. It makes me sad when I go out to eat and see couples sitting across from each other at dinner both on their cell phones. Why?! Why why WHY? Can't it wait? Can't life just wait anymore?

This blog was inspired by a recent visit with my therapist (if you don't have one you should get one. EVERYONE in my opinion should have a therapist. They are amazing). I was venting about how frustrating my life is right now with the MILLIONS of things I have on my plate and she just sat back and asked me:

"When is it ok for you to hit your PAUSE button?"

I looked at her and laughed because for a second I had no idea what she was talking about. What the fuck is a "pause" button? I haven't hit pause on my life since like 1999. Who would have thought right? Hit pause. Stop life around you and just LIVE in a moment. Take some time out from your day to day.......your monotonous. Slow down. Step AWAY from stressors. And just breathe. Make time for one another. Make time for YOURSELF.

Life becomes so routine. Everything just gets stuffed together. So mundane. So predictable. We become so polarized. Fixated on everything that lies ahead of us that we can't even focus on what is in front of us in that moment. I am sorry to say that I am so guilty of this. I focus on everything I have on my plate for the week to come that I take advantage of the wonderful man I get to come home to and break bread with every night. I mean yeah, I'm here eating dinner, chatting, an watching tv.....but am I really there? When was the last time you were REALLY there? I mean truly there? When is it ok to take time out? When is it OK to hit the pause button on life? And just live?

What I learned from today's session with my therapist is that it is OK to hit the pause button. Make time. Let everything else wait. Bills will still be bills. Obligations will STILL be obligations. Life will still be there. Stress will still be fucking stress. Everything will still be there after you resume. After you take that break.......enjoy that pause......live in the NOW......everything will still be waiting.

Why are we as a culture so scared to hit pause? Are we afraid life will just keep moving without us? Are we stressed we will fall behind? Are we so desperate to get to the next step that we miss out on enjoying the right now? Either way........it's important to find time. To ENJOY life. In this moment. Right fucking now. Like Bueller said.....if we don't stop and look around once in a while we could miss it.

So I say fuck it. PAUSE FOR A SECOND. Take the moment to just enjoy life and everything you have in front of you. I know life is bananas and we all have a million things to do....and just the thought of taking a second away is crazy......but it isn't. In the bigger scheme of things......at the end of the day.....the bills, stress, headaches, heartaches, struggles, sacrifices....they just won't matter. You won't even remember them. They will be fleeting seconds of your life. What matters are those moments. The ones you cherish. The moment you laughed until you cried with your best friend. The moment you sang Dashboard Confesssional at the top of your lungs...never feeling more connected to a song ever. The times you cried with your family. Those moments matter. Those moments exist. We just have to hit the PAUSE button to really feel them and enjoy them. Live in them. Be part of them. 

So go on. Hit your pause button. Let me know how that pause worked out for you.

"No matter how much time passes....no matter what takes place in the interim...there are some things we can never assign to oblivion, memories we can never rub away" - Haruki Murakami

Reliving the Past / Going Back

So I've been a bit of a busy bee lately.

Life has taken over and I have been busier than ever with work, social life, writing my book. I've officially started writing my book which has proven to be the most traumatic and therapeutic time of my life. Traumatic in the sense of reliving everything from my past I have tried so hard to keep in the past, and both therapeutic in the sense that I am able to fully process everything I have tried to forget about.

Whoever said reliving your past or going back to a time in your life is an easy feat lied. This has by far been the most difficult time of my life. Remembering in detail moments of my life I have tried to push past has proven to be more difficult than living through those experiences in that moment of time. There have been countless times I have found myself wiping tears off my laptop keyboard, secretly hoping I have short circuited something so it gives me an excuse to not write anymore. This process has been more difficult than anything I have ever experienced in my life.....yet I find myself continuing to push through the pain because I know at the end of the day my story deserves to be told. People deserve to know the truth behind living with mental illness. People like me need to know there is light at the end of the tunnel. These reasons are my reason for continuing to push forward. Continuing to fight. Continuing to struggle, get up, dust myself off, and keep writing.

This blog has been the most therapeutic thing for my recovery. Going back to my past experiences, sharing my thoughts, dreams, concerns.....all of it....has helped change me. Shape me into the woman I have become. As difficult as it is to go back, I kind of feel like we all need it. We all need to go back and remember our struggles. Sometimes in life you just need to look back and remember, not only to see how far you have come, but to know how strong you really are for what lies ahead. Experiences, big or small, shape us. They turn us into stronger people. More knowledgeable. More courageous. Wiser. We can take from each experience, good or bad. Traumatic or memorable. Loving or painful.....and shape ourselves. Transform ourselves into better versions of who we once were.

I can't sit here and claim my life has been easy. It hasn't. There are specific moments I find myself reminiscing on where I know I almost gave up the fight. I sat there and thought to myself maybe it would be easier in that moment to just give up. Call it a day and walk away. Days where I felt the pain was so high, my threshold had been hit and I just couldn't take anymore......but then I think of the unknown. The parts of my life I have yet to experience. The promise of something more....something greater......something happier......and I just. keep. pushing.

These are the moments that have helped make me who I am at this moment. Those moments where I almost gave up.......those moments where I was pushed beyond my breaking point.....those moments where I mustered up the courage to just. keep. pushing. These are the moments I look back on and smile about. And when I look back and smile, everything I was feeling at that time.....all the anguish and despair.....have been replaced with strength and admiration. Admiration for the woman I have fought to become. The woman who sits here now, writing a book about the biggest struggle of her entire life.....and does it all with a smile.....and some tears.

Never look back on your life with regret or sadness. Don't not look back either. Don't be afraid of your past and the pain you have endured. You are still here. Living. Breathing. Smiling. Loving. Laughing. And you are stronger now. Stronger than you were at that moment that at the time seemed so monumental.....and now seems like a distant memory.

I can't say that looking back is easy, because it fucking isn't. It's rough. But knowing how far I have come and how hard I have fought to get here gives me a sense of pride. Never be afraid to look back on painful moments of your life. There are tiny moments hidden in those memories that have shaped you into the person you are. From grief there is growth. From pain there is prosperity. From struggle there lies strength.

I'm determined to finish this book. I have already signed off to the idea that this is a therapeutic process I just have to go to. This is the time of my life where from pain and heartache comes a piece of art that will forever be mine. My story. My struggle. My "rise from the ashes". A part of me that will be shared with the world....in hopes that someone connects with my story. Its coming along slowly but surely. I don't want to rush this process because between you and I (and the internet since this blog is public), I'm enjoying this therapeutic process. I enjoy ugly Kim Kardashian crying over my laptop while writing.....because I know even this process is changing me for the better.

In due time this book will be done.......and when it is I will be happier and more proud than ever that I decided to fight forward and relive the moments of my past that have helped shape the woman I am today.

"Fear keeps us focused on the past or worried about the future. If we can acknowledge our fear, we can realize that right now we are ok. Right now, today, we are still alive, and our bodies are working marvelously. Our eyes can still see the beautiful sky." - Thich Nhat Hanh

Grati Estote

For those of you who don't know (don't worry....I didn't either until I used Google Translate), my blog title is "Thankful" in Latin.

I feel like I've been so caught up with everything going on in my life right now that I have forgotten to be grateful and thankful for all of the wonderful things/people in my life. I've become so engrossed with work stress, the emotional toll writing a book has taken, this medication change (which has been quite the uphill battle I'm still tackling), general life stressors, and now a new medical condition (which I'm not fully ready to discuss as we are still in the process of testing and identifying the exact issue at hand), I've found myself more depressed and negative than positive.

I think we as humans get so caught up with focusing on the negatives that we often forget to acknowledge the good in our lives. The everyday interactions with people that make us smile, the kisses and hugs we take for granted, the laughter that brings ease to our hearts. We have, as a culture, become so desensitized. We go through the motions of life without taking some time out to give thanks for all of the insanely wonderful blessings we are surrounded by each and every day. I know for sure I am one of those people. The type who always focuses on the negatives, the stressors, concentrating on everything going wrong.....instead of taking the time to be truly grateful for all of the things going right. So instead of writing a blog about any of the shit going on in my life right now.....I want to write a blog dedicated to the people in my life I am ever so grateful for.....for without those amazing blessings fighting the good fight would be fucking impossible.


My family:
They are such an amazing gift from God. My mother and my sister are truly my best friends. They make me smile when I need it, laugh when I don't want to, provide a shoulder to cry on without having to ask, and make life worth living. They are a constant support team. We have honestly had EVERYTHING thrown at us.....and no matter what we take it head on and come out stronger. They are my rocks.....and I am so beyond blessed to have them.

I was able to spend an amazing day surrounded by my family last weekend. Cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents. The whole nine yards. It was such a special day to me because I feel like my soul just needed it. I just needed to be surrounded by family to feel complete. To feel grounded. There is nothing more amazing in this world than the total love and support of your family. I feel like I don't tell them enough, see them enough, call them enough.....but I love them all SO very much. Without a shadow of a doubt God has blessed me with an amazing family....and for that I am thankful.

Friends who have become Family:
I must admit, I have been fucking blessed with the most amazing friends. Not to be confused with fair-weather friends (yes, at 28 I am still discovering and weeding those out of my life). They are the  extension of my family. My wonderful friends. They provide so much joy to my life. I appreciate and cherish these friendships because I know if I ever need, they would be there for me in a second. We all have lives, we have all grown up, gone our own ways....but I know deep in my heart that when we see each other again we ALWAYS pick up right where we left off. We genuinely love, care for, and appreciate one another. I don't have many of these friends.....but I don't need many. The few I have (and you know who you are), are blood. For them, I am so utterly thankful.


The main point of this blog was just to take some time to reflect on the people who truly matter. The people who make this life worth living. The ones who are there in a flash as my army of fighters.....helping me tackle whatever life throws my way and in the same breath helping pick me up when I've hit the ground hard.

I seriously believe in my heart we spend way too much time focusing on everything else life tosses our way.....and not enough time giving thanks to 1) God for every extraordinary blessing he has placed in our life and 2) the truly PHENOMENAL people we have surrounding us.

Take some time to give thanks. Make time to count your blessings. Focus less on the negative and smile more when reflecting upon the positives. We really never know what is in store for us. Our lives can change in a second.....so why not take the time out now to give thanks? Give hugs and kisses. Spend time with the people we truly cherish. Every day stressors will ALWAYS be there........but they are a lot easier to manage when our life is full of happiness and love......and amazing people to share that happiness and love with.

So now I leave you with this.......what are YOU thankful for?

"I can no other answer make but thanks; and thanks; and ever thanks" - William Shakespeare

Bear With Me

So this medication change has really thrown me for a loop.

Lithium is the best in the business in terms of "Mood Stabilization" for people like myself with Bipolar Disorder. It basically keeps both the Mania and the Depression at bay. It also, after extended use time, can cause major problems with your body (much of what was referenced in my post titled 'Curve Ball'). My doctor and I are working hard to find the best combination that will work for me, providing me a better life quality. After all, Bipolar Disorder is life long, so finding the best medication for me is a necessity.

When I started this medication change, I wasn't sure if I was going to be taken off Lithium completely, switched to something else, or placed on a combination of medications. The main goal was to get rid of all of the physical side effects that were causing so many issues in my day to day life. For those who don't know, you can't just switch from one medication to another. There needs to be a slow taper from one medication to the other. So we started off removing one Lithium pill and adding one Depakote pill. Depakote is much like Lithium, but not as harsh on the body. It also isn't as good as Lithium in terms of treating both the highs and the lows of Bipolar Disorder. It's great at tackling one, but usually falls short with the other. In my case, great with the mania, shitty with the depression.

Almost immediately I felt the switch in my body. Everything I had been experiencing over the last year just disappeared. My doctor and I started to wonder if the Lithium level was just toxic and having removed the one pill did the trick. I was so excited to finally feel at home in my body. No longer uncomfortable in my own skin... but of course nothing is ever that easy in my life.

Just as quickly as the physical pains and issues went away did my depression kick in. And it has been horrible. Throughout my years since being diagnosed I haven't really dealt with the depression. I've only experienced mania.....which is a beast because I feel so amazing I don't ever want to stop feeling that way.....but I get so high that I lose sight of everything....becoming a darker, less recognizable version of myself. I've only ever known the mania. I've never had to deal with serious depression......and let me tell you...it has been a fucking battle/nightmare/shitty situation.

Depression is absolutely crippling and debilitating. It honestly is. It has gotten to the point where I never know if I am going to wake up happy and ready to tackle the day, or so depressed I don't even want to leave my apartment or answer my phone. Last week I spent 3 days in my apartment. I'm easily agitated and irritated. I'm highly emotional. Confrontational. I've honestly been such a wreck. I've never had to experience this kind of emotional low before. I'm so used to being happy and having everything together.......not even wanting to answer my phone or get out of bed is not something I'm used to.

I went to go see my doctor this week. I explained to her that this emotional roller coaster and this depression is just becoming unbearable. I'm so frustrated with never knowing how I'm going to feel. Never knowing if I'm going to wake up depressed. Just not even being in control of how I feel. It's so frustrating feeling like I can't control what is happening to me. For someone who has serious OCD like myself, being in control of every last detail is kinda my thing.

She explained that this transition won't be easy. It's a bit of a gamble. We just have to take it one day at a time, one week at a time, one pill at a time. She expressed that she is set on finding the best combination that will enhance my quality of life.....but that I would have to be patient and understanding of the process. I need to accept that not every day will be a good day. I'm not always going to be happy. There will be days where I'm depressed. It's all part of this process. A process I don't really have much of a choice but to accept and deal with. It hurts my heart just thinking about it. How do I look at my loved ones and ask them to deal with me? I can't even stand to deal with myself a majority of the time.

I'm just in a frustrated place. I know that at the end of this whole process I will be so happy I did it. I know that this will improve the overall quality of my life. This will be a positive at the end of the day......but right now I'm just so discouraged. I feel so low. Like a lesser version of myself. I feel like I'm disappointing my family, my boyfriend, my job, my friends.....because I can't give them the 100% version of myself....because I'm just not there yet.

I was driving home from work today crying....thinking about this entire situation. Then it just hit me....I can't always be 100%. No one can be the 100% best version of themselves at all times. I have to stop being so fucking hard on myself. I'm going through a change.....a process that will take some time. I just have to embrace the change and everything that comes with it because I know at the end of all of this, all of the struggling, crying, emotional overload, will all be worth it. I'm worth it. So this is a message to everyone out there.......bear with me. I know I'm a bit of a mess right now. I'm all over the place. But just know I am doing the best I can right now. I am fighting a seriously difficult, uphill battle....and while I refuse to give up and throw in the towel, not every day will be peachy.

I need to spend some time with myself.........getting myself to understand that this is a process and I can't always be perfect. I can't be so hard on myself. I feel like a majority of my depression right now is stemming from the fact that I'm INSANELY hard on myself. I'm a perfectionist. I do everything in my power to make everyone happy. I hate feeling like I am disappointing someone....and yes I still feel like a disappointment even if someone tells me I'm not a disappointment to them. I'm terrified of feeling like I'm not in control of my medical condition. I fear losing control and ending up hospitalized. This fear floods my mind daily. I'm honestly starting to feel like I am my own antagonist. Like I'm so caught up in my own bullshit in my mind that it's making it near impossible for me to just live my life, embrace the ups and downs, and be ok with myself.

I guess I need to spend a little more time telling myself to bear with myself. Does that even make any fucking sense? Regardless.....I need to chill. This whole change can be a bit overwhelming but I know at the end of the day it will all be so worth it.......because in my heart I know I'm WORTH IT.

"Change is hardest at the beginning, messiest in the middle, and BEST at the end" - Robin Sharma

Survivor > Victim

1 in 3 women and 1 in 6 men worldwide experience some form of Sexual Violence.

Less than 50% report these crimes.

I am one of them.

With April being Sexual Assault Awareness Month, I felt it finally time to share my story. I've always been very private and closed off when it came to discussing this story. In fact, it took me almost 2 years to even share my story with my sister. To this day there are parts of this story I have decided to just keep to myself. Take to the grave. I spent many years feeling nothing but shame, disgust, and sorrow. Damaged. Not worthy. It has taken me many years to understand that I am not a victim of Sexual Assault......I am a SURVIVOR. I have been permanently changed because of this event. It will always be part of me. But it isn't all of me. I am here. Alive. Breathing. Capable of love and trust. Yes, this experience altered my life.....but I am ALIVE.....when I thought I was going to die. And for that.......I am forever blessed and grateful.

As many of you already know, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder in 2006. Keep in mind, this episode was the first episode my family and I had ever experienced. At the time when all of the erratic behavior started, none of us had a clue as to what it could be. To be honest, my family started to question whether or not I was on drugs. My speech was rapid and pressed. I was dropping weight rapidly. I would go days without sleeping. I had so much energy. I was moody, agitated, aggravated, emotional, distant. It was a very taxing and traumatic time for my mother, father, sister and I.

The night of my actual breakdown.....February 19, 2006, was by far one of the WORST nights of my entire life. A night I kept hidden from family and friends for years. A night I refused to ever acknowledge or address in my years of therapy. A night that, up until recently, I blamed myself for. This was not only the night I was arrested and admitted on an involuntary 5150, but this was also the night I was raped. The night my innocence and virginity was taken from me. This was the night that I truly believed, without a shadow of a doubt, that I was going to die. This night changed my life forever.

My mind wouldn't stop moving. I was cluttered with emotions. I remember an argument with my father in which we exchanged some not so pleasant words, and he (rightfully so) kicked me out of our house. He told me not to come home that night. I fought with my then-boyfriend and his family, who kicked me out of their home as well, accusing me of being on drugs. I remember not even giving a shit. I could do fine by myself. I didn't need anyone or anything (that was the mania talking). In the midst of all of the commotion and the arguing at my boyfriends house, I rushed out. Leaving behind my glasses. Anyone that knows me knows I am blind as a fucking bat. I got in my car and got on the freeway. It was POURING rain and I couldn't see anything at all, so I pulled over on the side of the freeway. I sat in my car crying. Alone. Scared. Wishing that the noise in my mind would just stop. Semis would pass my car, violently shaking it. I started to believe that if I didn't get off that freeway, one of these semis was going to plow into my car. I didn't have a way to call anyone since I also left my cell phone behind in the rush. I couldn't shut my mind off. So many thoughts. Just racing. Paranoia. Nervousness. Fear. All I wanted to do was make it stop. Make all of the noise and commotion in my mind stop. But I couldn't.

I got out of my car and attempted to flag a car down. Anyone I could find to just let me borrow their cell phone. Maybe give me a ride. Anything to take me back home. All I wanted in that moment was to just go home. Go to sleep. Make the pain stop. Get my mind to stop racing. Finally feel some peace. But no one would pull over. No one seemed to care. The delusional thoughts and paranoia were at an all time high. I started believing that I was going to die on the side of that freeway that night. I threw all of my personal belongings on the side of the freeway......my attempt to leave parts of myself behind for my family to find. I had convinced myself that something horrible was going to happen to me. I became desperate. I took off all of my clothes, sat on the trunk of my car naked, in the rain, and waited. In my mind I thought this was a great idea. Someone was BOUND to pull over for a naked girl right? Someone would just pull over to ask if I was ok, I would ask for a phone, call my parents, and end this horrible nightmare. The idea seemed so right in my head.........little did I realize how wrong I was.

Someone eventually did pull over. A man. I rushed to his little four door car crying and asked if he had a cell phone. He told me to get in his car so I could "shield myself from the rain". I got in his car and asked him if he had a cell phone I could use, or if he could please give me a ride back to my boyfriends house. The next thing I knew the man had a knife to my neck and told me that if I didn't do what he said he would kill me. My mind just went blank. I fucking knew it. I knew this night was the night I would die. I'd like to say I put up a fight. Pulled some heroic move and ran for my life. Fought for anything at all. But I didn't. In that moment I was so numb. All I could think about was my family while this man pulled me into the back of his car and violated me. I didn't cry. I didn't blink. I just stared. Stared at the rosary hanging from his rear-view mirror. Here was this man....robbing me of something I would never get back. Violating me in the worst way possible. Forever altering my life......and he had a rosary hanging from his mirror. Go fucking figure. When he was done he got back in the front seat. leaving me in the back. I honestly thought this was the point when he was going to kill me. Leave my body on the side of the road. Drive me somewhere to kill me......and then he looked at me in the rear view mirror and asked

"Where does your boyfriend live?"

I sat for a second. Unable to speak. Unable to move. No response. I didn't even know how to react. I didn't know what to say or do. Had I heard him correctly? Am I dreaming? This couldn't be real......could it? 

I directed him on how to get back to my boyfriends house. We never spoke or looked at each other. He just turned left when I told him and pulled over when I instructed him to. I sat in the back seat crying. So many emotions were flooding through my mind. My heart was racing a mile a minute. Am I actually getting the option to live? Is this not where my story ends?

I remember looking out the window at that residential street in Chino. Tears of joy rushed down my face when I saw my boyfriends house. This nightmare was finally over. I could go home. Call my family. Get help. I yelled for the man to stop. I got out of his car, still naked, and asked the man if I could please have his jacket as I obviously had nothing on and it was pouring rain. The man....after having already taken everything he possibly could from me...looked at me and said "No. I'm cold"....and drove off. 

I'd like to say that is where my disastrous evening ended....but it wasn't. When I got to my boyfriends house they refused to open the door. They called the police, who showed up and began questioning me. I explained to them that I was his girlfriend and that I had just been in their home. The Chino Police stood with me and questioned the family, asking if they knew who I was. They all just stared right at me.....looked into my eyes.....and said they had no idea who I was. Told the police they had never seen me before. I just remember screaming at them, and the next thing I knew I was being cuffed and placed in the back of a cop car.....where I was later shuttled off to a psych ward to undergo psychiatric observation. I sort of remember lots of yelling and crying when I arrived at the hospital. Being super combative with the staff and eventually being sedated......so in the end I did get what I wanted.....for my mind to just stop.

I've spent years of my life contemplating what I would do to that man if we ever crossed paths. Would I torture him slowly? Tie him up? Shoot him execution style? Slit his throat from ear to ear? Cut his dick off and make him choke on it? The ideas of all the ways I could kill him have danced around in my head. But then I remember.....that no matter how sick and twisted that man was....no matter how badly he violated me...no matter what he took from me.......he let me keep the most important thing. My life. And for that I will forever be grateful to the mystery man on the 71 freeway. He saved my life......I'll never know why. But he did.

No one ever truly recovers from Sexual Assault. It is life altering. It changes you. But the lucky thing in my case is that I was allowed to live. I have been able to move on with my life, process my hurt, and regain a sense of "normalcy". I don't talk about this night often. More often than not I like to push it down into that box of shit I don't like to discuss.....but I'm still human. I still, and always will struggle with this. Memories, flashbacks, triggers. The memory doesn't go away. This night will always be part of who I am.......but it doesn't control who I am.

I have, shockingly enough, come to peace with my reality. When I think of the man, his eyes, his voice.....I don't become angry. Quite the contrary. I am thankful. I send a little prayer up. Thanking God for choosing me. For allowing me to live. For seeing something in me. I think God knew my life was just beginning. He knew I had so many things I wanted to say and share with the world. That night was never meant to be my end. It was actually meant to be my beginning.

Not everyone will understand my views. Why I have chosen to reconcile this situation in my mind and in my heart. How I could ever be forgiving of someone who did something so violent. The reason is.....that I just don't wish to carry hate in my heart. It was a traumatic moment in my life that I will never forget.......but I am alive when I could very well have been dead. Another headline. Another body found.

As far as I am concerned God gave me another chance to live. An opportunity to enjoy every single SECOND of this life here on Earth. To love my family more each day. To laugh even harder with my friends. To hug the man I love tighter and shower him with kisses every day. And for that I am eternally grateful and blessed.

It's been 9 years..............9 years of living. 9 years of laughter and love. 9 years of growing, developing, blossoming into the woman I am now. While I may never forget, I have learned that for my own peace of mind, body, soul, and heart......I have forgiven.

I have chosen to take back the night. Take back my life. Make this life (which we only get to experience once) the BEST FUCKING life possible. To no longer allow myself to be chained up or confined. To not allow Sexual Assault, Bipolar Disorder, any of this shit to define who I am. I'm better than that. I'm a fucking SURVIVOR. I'm alive. I'm here. Able to share my story. Able to show the world you can be anything you want and do anything you want if you want it bad enough. To show people that living with love and forgiveness in your heart really makes your journey that much easier.....at least for me it did.

This whole process allowed me to accept that I am an amazing woman. One who is not defined by situations that have happened in her life. A strong woman who was dealt a shitty hand and still managed to walked away with the jackpot. Don't EVER let a situation define you. Always remember that YOU are the only person who writes your story....and you are the only person who paves your own way. Eleanor Roosevelt said it best: No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. This is YOUR FUCKING LIFE. Own every single second of it. Always stand tall.....and ALWAYS be proud of who you are....and what you have had to endure to get to where you are.

"Forgiveness has nothing to do with absolving a criminal of his crime. It has everything to do with relieving oneself of the burden of being a victim - letting go of the pain and transforming oneself into a survivor" - C.R. Strahan

Curve Ball

I've been dealing with a bit of a situation the last year or so. I've noticed over time that my body has stopped reacting to my medication in the way it once was. Over time I have developed severe stomach problems. Nausea, vomiting, other unmentionables. It's gotten to the point where my stomach is so uneasy I'm uncomfortable pretty much all of the time. My water intake has gotten pretty insane. I'm averaging 4-5 gallons of water....a day. I'm not even joking about this fact. I feel like my insides are on fire and the only way I can feel comfortable is by drinking water constantly. In addition to the thirst issues, my anxiety has tripled. I get frequent chest pains. It feels like there are literally knots in my chest. My sleep pattern has been ALL over the place. On average, I'm waking up every hour or two. Every night. I've become easily agitated and aggravated. All of these issues have just become progressively worse over the last year.

I know what you're thinking. Why on earth would someone suffer through all of this day in and day out? Let alone for over a year? I'll tell you why. Fear. Fear is the fucking devil. Fear can control you. Your thoughts. Your feelings. Every part of your soul. I've been so afraid to talk to my doctor about all of the issues I've been having out of fear. Fear of going back. Fear of being hospitalized. Just the thought of being hospitalized as a possibility for me is frightening. I think once you experience something as traumatizing as what I've experienced you are permanently scarred. Damaged. Altered.

I don't like talking about my hospitalizations because they are such horrible parts of my past. There was so much going on emotionally. So much hurt. So much loneliness. It is hard to look back on those moments of my life without crying. It was such a disappointing time in my life. There are no good memories. It's all ugly. Overwhelming. So much so that I've been willing to live in constant discomfort because I don't want to rock the boat. I would rather just be permanently uncomfortable than change what is "working". I didn't realize that while yes, the medication was working to keep my moods stable.......it was not working in any other way. In fact, it was becoming more damaging to me internally. My body just stopped reacting to it. My body was actually rejecting the lithium. How is this even possible? After almost 9 years on lithium it suddenly wasn't working. This realization was BEYOND terrifying for me. How could it be that the only thing that has proven to work for me was suddenly fucking up my body? What am I supposed to do now?

After a very serious breakdown with my mom and my better half, I finally agreed to go to my doctor and come clean. Tell her everything that was wrong. This was now affecting every single aspect of my life. It was affecting my mood, my body, my stomach, my relationships, my anxiety, my sleep. Every SINGLE aspect. I had to finally accept that I couldn't allow my fear to control me. I had to realize that my fear of re-hospitalization was actually keeping me imprisoned. I couldn't avoid the inevitable. I needed help. I needed a change. I needed something to happen. And I needed it now.

I met with my doctor and explained all of my symptoms to her. I told her that I couldn't continue trying to avoid the problem. My body just couldn't handle the medication any longer. I was taking 900 mg of lithium twice a day. 1800 mg. Pretty much the highest dose you could take. As beneficial as it has been for me over the years......my body just couldn't support it any longer. No one should have to live in constant pain and anguish. My doctor (the most amazing doctor ever btw) reassured me that I was not alone in my feelings. She explained that this is common among people who take lithium. Over time their body rejects the medication. Now this obviously isn't common for everyone......but it does happen more often than not. We sat and discussed all of my options and found the soundest option for me. After 9 years lithium and I will be parting ways and I will begin transitioning to a new medication. One with less side effects and one that is not as harsh on my body. My doctor reassured me that the transition will be gradual and heavily monitored. She made it her priority to make sure that I would not be hospitalized. She appreciated my fear and said she was actually happy I was so fearful. That shows that I'm actually serious about my recovery and living my life freely and most importantly....healthy. We established my support team and everyone is set on working together to help monitor me during this medication transition. Mainly to make sure that I am doing ok. The problem with being bipolar (at least for me) is that once I am in an episode - mainly manic - I don't see anything wrong. I don't think I have a problem. I think my behavior is acceptable and right.....when it clearly isn't. So in an attempt to make this a smooth transition without a hospitalization I have a team of people looking out for me.....making sure I'm ok.....and watching over me. My mother, father, sister, and my love. The best support team I could ever ask for.

This transition is so terrifying for me. I can't help but think back to the various times I was hospitalized. I get flashbacks. It's emotional for me. It is an ugly and dark time I don't like to think about. But it is part of who I am. These experiences helped shape the person I am today. It was totally unrealistic of me to sit and think I could live in such discomfort. For what? Because I was afraid? Afraid of something that might not even happen? I was so distraught with the thought of a possible hospitalization that I was willing to sacrifice my own happiness and well being. And all because of fear. How is it that a tiny little word could have such a strong hold on me?

Fear is powerful. It can control every part of us. It can rock us down to our inner core. I've decided, with the help of my amazing family and my wonderfully supportive boyfriend, to take control of my life. Continue to take control of my medical condition. To understand and continue to accept that this is lifelong. This is a journey. A commitment. Just like life is full of twists and turns, and nothing in life is concrete.....the same situation applies with being bipolar. Just because a change needs to come doesn't mean the worst. I don't have to assume that the worst (hospitalization) will happen. I just need to learn how to take things in stride and just live each day one day at a time. Even though I've hit a road block doesn't mean things are doomed.

I'm actually quite proud of my journey. I'm proud of myself for making it this far. Learning how to live with and manage my condition. It is a steadfast dedication. I know I am fearful. I know in the back of my mind I am terrified of going back. But I also know that I have to trust in this journey. Trust myself. My doctor, My family. My love. Trust in this whole process. It might not always be easy.......but knowing I am sound and knowing my mind is clear is so amazing. Knowing that I control my bipolar and that it doesn't control me is such an accomplishment.

Fear can be crippling. Never allow your fear to control you. To make your decisions for you. To keep you locked in a corner. Learning and accepting that fear can be as big or as small as you ALLOW it to be. It's about learning to face fear and conquer it instead of allowing it to control you. As far as I'm concerned.....the only thing that controls Jacqueline Castro is Jacqueline Castro herself. So cheers to this transition. Cheers to this new journey in my life. And a big cheers to no longer allowing fear to dictate my life or my decisions.

"I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear" - Nelson Mandela

Opening Old Wounds

So I have yet to mention my big news.....but now is as good a time as any. I've decided to write a book.

I finally feel I have reached a place of security and stability when it comes to my Bipolar Disorder. This blog has really helped me by allowing me to open up candidly and freely about it. For so many years I was ashamed of it. Ashamed of the stigma that came with it. Afraid people would look at me differently and judge me (mainly because this has happened to me before). For so many years I just dealt with my issues in silence.....unable and unwilling to disclose private aspects of my life.

When I decided to write this blog I felt it was finally time to accept my disorder and embrace it as part of me. I learned that in order to live with my condition, I had to accept it and be open to talking about it. As time passed I discovered I was still me.....nothing was different about myself. Yeah....I have Bipolar Disorder. So do millions of other functional members of society. So what? I finally realized that my disorder doesn't define me. My actions define me. Having Bipolar Disorder doesn't make me a monster......I'm still me. Still human. Still Jackie.

A lot of people reached out to me after my first blog post (which was actually 1 year ago yesterday so Happy Blogiversary to me). Many people - including close family members - actually had no idea I had been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, let alone been living with it for the last 9 years. Coworkers, classmates, friends, family.....all shocked. They had no idea. Pat on the back to me for hiding it so well? Yay me for being a great liar? I realized the more people reached out about having "no clue", that I had spent so many years lying about large parts of my life. Large aspects of what made me who I was. The journey I had endured to get here. My experiences....I had kept so many parts of myself private. But for who? Was I trying to protect myself? Or was I really hiding because the stigmas that surround Mental Illness were too much for me to handle? I know I didn't want to be classified as "that crazy bipolar person" who might snap at any moment and kill everyone. So instead I dealt with life quietly. I kept this part of my life private. I wanted people to know me for ME.......not for what some doctor had diagnosed me as 9 years ago.

But I'm done hiding aspects of my life. I'm done allowing stigmas to control me. Yeah I'm Bipolar. For 9 years YOU probably had no idea. And? Living with Mental Illness doesn't make me different. It doesn't make me scary. I'm just like everyone else. And it's about time people know about that. Hence why I decided to finally put my experiences down on paper. I'm finally opening up about ALL of the ups and downs of living with Bipolar Disorder. The good, bad, funny, ugly, raw and human experiences. I feel like maybe if I put a real face to it.....write it in such a way that everyone can relate to my story....then maybe I can help shape someones perception of Mental Illness. Maybe if someone picks up this book (even if they don't suffer with Mental Illness at all) and they can relate to my story.....my struggles.....my reality....then maybe they will get it. That "it" being that we are all the same. We all struggle.....and our struggles might be a lot more alike than we think.

I titled this blog "Opening Old Wounds" because obviously in order to write this book I need to relive old experiences. Take a trip down memory lane......and some of these memories (more than I'd like to admit to) are difficult for me. My personal battle living with Bipolar Disorder hasn't been an easy one. It has been ugly to say the least......and my past is filled with emotional trauma, rape, depression, anxiety, struggles, and feelings of utter loneliness and despair.

After discussing my idea to finally write a book with my psychiatrist, she advised me to request all of my medical records from my various hospital stays. 3 to be exact. My first mental break in 2006, my second in 2008, and my third in 2010. I must admit I was scared to read the reports, but really felt I was ready to go back. I felt that I was in such a different, emotionally strong and sound place in my life that it would be easy to read the records. What a fucking joke. I read all of the reports that came......and let me tell you.....it wasn't easy. Especially the records from my first break in 2006. These were the HARDEST for me to read. This was by far the most emotional break of them all. So much happened. So much ugliness and hurt. It was hard to sit and relive it all. So many memories came flooding back....so much that I tried so hard to forget about. I worked so hard for 9 years to just block certain things out. I convinced myself that if I just never talked about them they wouldn't be real. It would all just be some horrible nightmare. But there it was. All of it for me to see. Typed and sent in an envelope. Moments of my past....far too disgusting for me to even begin to accept as being real......just staring back at me in typed report form. I lost it. I sat alone in my moms kitchen and just cried and cried and cried.

I've gone back and forth about if I am even ready.....or if I will ever be ready....to write this book. I know full well now that by choosing to write this book I am allowing people into my world.....a deeply emotional part of myself. I spoke with my sister about my feelings. My fears. Concerns with going back.....opening old wounds I have tried so hard to forget about.....and she looked at me with the kindest eyes - those of someone who understood my fears because she too lived through the tough times - and told me this:

"You are so much stronger than you were back then. Yes it hurts because you are opening old wounds and recounting difficult moments in your life....but you are stronger than that. You aren't the same person you were then. And I am so proud of you for that. Don't look back and let those old feelings control you. It's part of you yes....but those experiences helped bring you to where you are now."

She is so right. My little sister......I doubt she will ever know how much I look up to her. She is my rock and makes things feel so small when in my mind things are so large.

So I'm going for it. I'm not sure when I'll be done. I'm not putting a time frame on this project. I know that this project will be emotionally challenging for me. I know I will be pushed to the breaking point. I'm sure there will be points that I will need to walk away from the project .....for my own sanity. But I am ready for it. I'm open to embracing this next phase of my life. The idea of maybe (hopefully) connecting on an emotional level with a reader is exciting. The thought of someone finding hope through my words and my struggle makes this all worth it. And finally.....being able to not only tackle my inner demons but bring some closure and peace to my own heart makes this upcoming journey SO FUCKING WORTH IT.

So wish me luck.....writing a book is no easy feat......but I know in my heart this will be well worth it. Because I'm working toward accomplishing a dream. And I just know the final product is going to be great.

"People are capable, at any time in their lives, of doing what they dream of" - Paulo Coelho

I'm Human.

I swear life just sometimes gets the best of me. Sometimes I become so overwhelmed with work, my personal life, bills, and everything in between that I forget about me. Like just me. My emotions, my feelings, my mood.

Life is hard enough. But living life with Bipolar Disorder can be tricky. It's hard to try and tell yourself "you're normal" when sometimes you feel anything but. I have to watch what I eat, drink, my levels of stress, how much I'm sleeping. Any little thing can trigger me. There are all sorts of things that can just send me into a spiral. Did you know that even while taking all of my medication something like stress can deplete it from my bloodstream? Yeah. It's that easy. I could be taking all of my pills every single day....they draw my blood....and it's like it isn't even there. I am constantly freaking out about EVERYTHING. I never want to run into an issue so I am always thinking about my condition, things I can do to simplify my life, etc. I get so panicked that I'm going to relapse that at the first sign of anything I am sounding the alarm and preparing myself to fight back. After all this is MY life and I won't allow anything, any one or any situation rob me of my life and my freedom......physical, emotional, or mental.

Most of my days are spent laughing, in a great mood, enjoying life - stressors included. But some days I feel very negative, solitary, grumpy, overly emotional, easily agitated/irritated. And it comes in waves. Without notice. No announcement. It just floods into my brain and I am instantly overwhelmed and consumed by my funk. More often than not this funk isn't sparked by anything. It's just random. Immediately my brain shifts to my Bipolar Disorder. Is everything ok? Are my levels right? Is something low? Is something off? What do I need to do to fix it? Medication increases? Sleeping pills? Anti depression pick-me-up pills? I start retracing all of my steps. Making sure my medication is accounted for. All doses have been taken as they should. I drive myself insane trying to pin point exactly where I went wrong.........but what if I did nothing wrong? When did I forget that at the end of the day in spite of being diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.....I'm just a human. A regular human. I'm not a well oiled machine. I'm not a robot. I'm not defined by my disorder. I'm a human being....and it's ok to feel. In mental health facilities we are told it's not ok to feel. That we should fear emotions. Overly emotional people aren't "well". I think it's been burned into my brain and I get so panicked the second I am overwhelmed by "unannounced feelings". But why? At the end of the day I'm human. Just that. Human.

Sometimes I need to remind my perfectionist/OCD/bipolar self that it is OK to feel. Having an off day doesn't make me crazy. Feeling extra emotional and crying for no reason in particular is ok. As humans we feel all sorts of emotions. At all times. Just because one day I'm feeling extra emotional and I happen to also be diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder doesn't make me an insane person who needs their medications re-calibrated. It just makes me human. I'm entitled to have off days. It's ok to be in a funk. It's perfectly acceptable to cry in your car for no reason while listening to Sam Smith (he has the voice of an angel BTW). It is all OK.

I have learned recently that I just need to accept that I'm normal. Like everyone else. My diagnosis doesn't make me abnormal. Yes, it has forced me to change my ways. Yes, I am always aware and conscious of the unmedicated version of myself and how unpleasant she is. But just because I have Bipolar Disorder doesn't mean I am any less human.......and I just need to take a step back, breathe deep, and remind myself it is ok to just FEEL. It doesn't signify a relapse. Not everything in life needs to be perfect 24-7. My life won't fall apart if I leave dishes in the sink. I'm ok. Feeling is ok. Crying is ok. Reaching out is ok. I am ok.

I have learned that I don't need to have everything together, wrapped in a perfect bow all of the time. My life can still be emotional and messy and I can still be in charge of my mental health and aware of my diagnosis. I just need to focus on giving up some control and accepting that I'm HUMAN and I have off days like everyone else.

"A diagnosis does not change who you are. A diagnosis does not define you. You are a daughter, a significant other, a sister, a friend, a coworker......and most importantly human." These are things I need to constantly remind myself of. Things that allow me to refocus my brain. Steer it away from negative thinking and move it back to positive affirmations.

Have you affirmed yourself lately? Life gets crazy and more often than not we get too caught up in our mistakes/failures to acknowledge the good in our lives. We get caught up in the daily pressures and focus only on our short comings and what we could have/should have/would have done better or differently. I say don't forget to remind yourself that you are human. Just breathe. There is always tomorrow. And tomorrow is the promise of a great day.

"You're only human. You don't have to have it together every minute of every day" - Unknown