I honestly have felt every single feeling in the book this year. Happiness, sadness, heartbreak, anger, resentment. You name it....I felt it. But of all the feelings I experienced this year, regret wasn't one of them. Not when it came to making certain decisions about who to surround myself with. Who to share my energy with.
I think we regret certain decisions throughout our life. It's pretty impossible to live a life without a single regret. In all actuality, I think regrets are what shape us. Turn us into different people. There have been certain moments in my life I look back on and regret.....I think we all do.....but I know that I have never regretted the decisions I have made when it comes to the people I have in my life. The people I choose to surround myself with.....and those who I politely remove from my life.
I swear this year felt like both the longest and shortest year of my life. January felt like 100 years.....then I woke up and it was October. I will forever be grateful for 2018. This year felt like my best one yet (I know that sounds weird since I spent half of it closed off to the world emotionally). It was a year of evolution and growth for me.
I found peace within myself. Peace with the silence that I have always tried to avoid.
I could never do "silence"......I've always been afraid of it actually. Coming to terms with my thoughts. Processing my feelings. Allowing myself to TRULY FEEL. Finally accepting that I had allowed myself to settle and sell myself short in some sort of way. It was in the silence that I finally allowed myself to feel regret with myself......and where I had sold myself short. All so I could figure out what to do different the next go around. And for that......I am forever grateful for the silence that 2018 brought. It allowed me to finally be free......and embrace those moments of silence and reflection.
You know you have done something right when you can sit alone with yourself and your thoughts.....your memories and experiences.....your feelings.....and not be worried. No long feel pain. Regret. Disappointment. When you can look at yourself and love all aspects of your life....the good and great moments.....the regrets and short comings....and know that each one of these moments helped shape you into the person you are right now.....and help navigate you on the road ahead. 2018 showed me that one is never alone when they are truly at peace with their head AND their heart.
Dreaded this year. I really did. Starting over. Being alone. It seemed overwhelming......but I've come to realize how much I truly enjoy myself. I've discovered what makes me happy. What self-care truly means to me. That saying no, taking YOURSELF into account, letting yourself truly feel, all of it is so important. YOU are so important. I learned that even the smallest victory....or tiniest step forward.....is still a STEP FORWARD.
Ending a relationship or friendship doesn't make you a failure. Saying no to toxicity......being selective as to who gets to live in your world.....it's all so important. Pulling yourself out of a depression doesn't mean you are a failure for winding up in said depression in the first place. We are programmed to be SO HARD on ourselves.....I think we forget how seriously important and crucial it is to be gentle and loving with ourselves. Putting yourself first seems so selfish......when in reality having the strength, willpower, and dedication to YOURSELF and putting YOUR needs first is pretty badass.
Don't be ashamed to say no to something or someone that doesn't fit or feel right to you. Say no to what doesn't set your soul on fire. Surround yourself with SO much love, laughter, and positive light. Understand that falling in love with yourself is fucking rad. And NECESSARY.
So thanks 2018. You shook me to the fucking core. You made me a different person than who I started out as in January. You helped me rediscover parts of myself I forgot a long time ago. 2018 gave me something irreplaceable. 2018 gave me ME back. If I've learned anything from this weird ass emotional year....it is that you will
Let me repeat that......
YOU WILL NEVER REGRET INVESTING IN YOURSELF AND YOUR HEART.
So make 2019 that year. The year you fall back in love with yourself. The year you fall MORE in love with yourself.
"Hope smiles from the threshold of the year to come, whispering, 'it will be happier'" - Alfred Lord Tennyson
