Sometimes being the "bigger person" is overrated...in my opinion at least.

You're damned if you do and you are damned if you don't. I don't know about you but I fucking hate that.

This past weekend rocked my world in a strange way. I lost a family friend who was pretty much a family member to me in a sudden, tragic, and unfortunate way. It was so shocking and unexpected that when I heard the news I didn't believe it.....for like the first hour after I found out. This person was SO insanely full of life....not a minute spent with him was ever wasted. In fact most, if not all of the time spent with him was spent laughing to the point of tears and belly aches. He was so genuine. He loved with every part of himself and cared so much for those around him. He will be missed by many and treasured by all.

This individual was very close to my father.....he was pretty much the brother my dad never had. So obviously upon hearing the news I reached out to my dad to send my condolences, even though we haven't spoken since February. I'm not going to lie....I considered not calling my dad at all...quite frankly we didn't end on good terms so I really had no interest in speaking with him.....but I was raised to be respectful and at the end of the day I felt it would be wrong not to reach out....he is my dad at the end of the day (as much as it pains me to accept that fact because in my opinion he's an asshole).

Our beyond brief (3 minutes and 36 seconds to be exact) phone call ended with my dad suggesting that we should get together when I was back in town. This bothered my for a variety of reasons. First of all - is he only suggesting we get together because someone just died and he feels guilty that we parted ways the way we did? Does he want to get together because recent events have made him realize life is short and it isn't promised to any of us? Is it a sense of obligation? Why did it take him so long to say this? Why not have reached out to me months ago? Is this even genuine?

Obviously I'm jaded (no surprise here) when it comes to my dad and our relationship. As I may or may not have mentioned in a previous blog, my dad and I don't have the best relationship. In fact, looking back, I don't know if we ever did have a healthy, functioning relationship. My mother raised my sister and I to always be the bigger person. She always taught us that no matter how people treated us, it was always better to be the bigger person than to ever stoop to their level and become their equal. I have always agreed with my mom. When it comes to my dad I have always set our differences aside for the promise of a better relationship. Whenever he and I would sit down and talk, he was so charming with the things he would say and the promises he would make. I always left believing in my heart that this time......this time things would be different. But, as expected, they never were. He always found a new way to crush my spirits....a new way to prove what I never wanted to believe or accept to be true.....he would never change. Oh and in case you were wondering....it hurts just as much if not more the second, fifth, tenth time you experience it.

Now, as I mentioned, the loss of this close family friend rocked my world. Mainly because it was so unexpected. He was so young. He had so much life left in him......and he was one of the good ones. One of the few left with a genuine heart and the type of laugh that would just penetrate past your heart...straight to your soul. I've been in a bit of a slump after hearing the news. I've been distant, a bit depressed, silently emotional. I have put on the brave face, gotten dressed and "shown up".....but to say this news hasn't troubled me would be a lie. All I can think about is my dad. How angry I am with him. How hurt I am over our past and the way things have turned out between us.

I keep hearing (from multiple people) that it is time for me - yet again - to be the bigger person. Express to my dad how he has hurt me, but also move forward and give him another chance. Give him another chance because "life is short and you wouldn't want to live with any regret should something happen to him". I'm so torn because on one end he's my dad...he always will be my dad. I do miss the great times we have shared and how happy I have felt when we have been together. On another end, I know how this ends. It ALWAYS ends the same way. Things go great for a bit and then boom.....he always finds a way to fuck everything up and ruin the progress we have made. This leaves me wondering if I were to be the bigger person, forgive and forget, how long before everything blows up in my face again.......leaving me angry with myself because I knew better.

As much as I want to be the bigger person......the biggest part of me is screaming FUCK THAT SHIT. No. Don't do this to yourself again. You already know how this will end. You will be heartbroken. It isn't worth it. He will never change. But then there is the tiny, minuscule part of myself that says.......but what if he has changed? What if this time he has realized how badly he fucked up and he wants to make it right? This is where being damned if you do and damned if you don't comes into play. I just honestly don't know how to go about this issue. My heart and my head are so so torn.

I wish there was a magic crystal ball to look into the future. A magic wand to wave and make this mess right. But there isn't. I'm left here to battle this issue in my mind and my heart alone.....and to be honest it is taking its toll on me...killing my spirit slowly. I wish I could get some sort of a sign.....something to help me figure out what the best option is for my heart. It is fragile and hasn't fully recovered from the last time he fucked everything up. I don't even know if there would be anything he could possibly do or say to ever make me feel like I could trust him with my heart 100% again. He's the one man on this whole Earth who is here to protect my heart from pain and heartache....and he is the one man on this whole Earth who has continuously broken my heart into a million pieces.

This is why I say that sometimes being the bigger person is overrated. At what point do we sit back and say FUCK everyone. I AM important. I AM special. MY FEELINGS MATTER......at what point is it acceptable to say FUCK being the bigger person......my heart just can't take anymore. Maybe it is best to just leave things where they are.....nonexistent.

No More. I just can't afford the heartache. It just isn't worth it. He just isn't worth it.

"Being strong doesn't always mean you have to fight the battle. True strength is being adult enough to walk away from the nonsense with your head held high" - Unknown