Opening Old Wounds

So I have yet to mention my big news.....but now is as good a time as any. I've decided to write a book.

I finally feel I have reached a place of security and stability when it comes to my Bipolar Disorder. This blog has really helped me by allowing me to open up candidly and freely about it. For so many years I was ashamed of it. Ashamed of the stigma that came with it. Afraid people would look at me differently and judge me (mainly because this has happened to me before). For so many years I just dealt with my issues in silence.....unable and unwilling to disclose private aspects of my life.

When I decided to write this blog I felt it was finally time to accept my disorder and embrace it as part of me. I learned that in order to live with my condition, I had to accept it and be open to talking about it. As time passed I discovered I was still me.....nothing was different about myself. Yeah....I have Bipolar Disorder. So do millions of other functional members of society. So what? I finally realized that my disorder doesn't define me. My actions define me. Having Bipolar Disorder doesn't make me a monster......I'm still me. Still human. Still Jackie.

A lot of people reached out to me after my first blog post (which was actually 1 year ago yesterday so Happy Blogiversary to me). Many people - including close family members - actually had no idea I had been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, let alone been living with it for the last 9 years. Coworkers, classmates, friends, family.....all shocked. They had no idea. Pat on the back to me for hiding it so well? Yay me for being a great liar? I realized the more people reached out about having "no clue", that I had spent so many years lying about large parts of my life. Large aspects of what made me who I was. The journey I had endured to get here. My experiences....I had kept so many parts of myself private. But for who? Was I trying to protect myself? Or was I really hiding because the stigmas that surround Mental Illness were too much for me to handle? I know I didn't want to be classified as "that crazy bipolar person" who might snap at any moment and kill everyone. So instead I dealt with life quietly. I kept this part of my life private. I wanted people to know me for ME.......not for what some doctor had diagnosed me as 9 years ago.

But I'm done hiding aspects of my life. I'm done allowing stigmas to control me. Yeah I'm Bipolar. For 9 years YOU probably had no idea. And? Living with Mental Illness doesn't make me different. It doesn't make me scary. I'm just like everyone else. And it's about time people know about that. Hence why I decided to finally put my experiences down on paper. I'm finally opening up about ALL of the ups and downs of living with Bipolar Disorder. The good, bad, funny, ugly, raw and human experiences. I feel like maybe if I put a real face to it.....write it in such a way that everyone can relate to my story....then maybe I can help shape someones perception of Mental Illness. Maybe if someone picks up this book (even if they don't suffer with Mental Illness at all) and they can relate to my story.....my struggles.....my reality....then maybe they will get it. That "it" being that we are all the same. We all struggle.....and our struggles might be a lot more alike than we think.

I titled this blog "Opening Old Wounds" because obviously in order to write this book I need to relive old experiences. Take a trip down memory lane......and some of these memories (more than I'd like to admit to) are difficult for me. My personal battle living with Bipolar Disorder hasn't been an easy one. It has been ugly to say the least......and my past is filled with emotional trauma, rape, depression, anxiety, struggles, and feelings of utter loneliness and despair.

After discussing my idea to finally write a book with my psychiatrist, she advised me to request all of my medical records from my various hospital stays. 3 to be exact. My first mental break in 2006, my second in 2008, and my third in 2010. I must admit I was scared to read the reports, but really felt I was ready to go back. I felt that I was in such a different, emotionally strong and sound place in my life that it would be easy to read the records. What a fucking joke. I read all of the reports that came......and let me tell you.....it wasn't easy. Especially the records from my first break in 2006. These were the HARDEST for me to read. This was by far the most emotional break of them all. So much happened. So much ugliness and hurt. It was hard to sit and relive it all. So many memories came flooding back....so much that I tried so hard to forget about. I worked so hard for 9 years to just block certain things out. I convinced myself that if I just never talked about them they wouldn't be real. It would all just be some horrible nightmare. But there it was. All of it for me to see. Typed and sent in an envelope. Moments of my past....far too disgusting for me to even begin to accept as being real......just staring back at me in typed report form. I lost it. I sat alone in my moms kitchen and just cried and cried and cried.

I've gone back and forth about if I am even ready.....or if I will ever be ready....to write this book. I know full well now that by choosing to write this book I am allowing people into my world.....a deeply emotional part of myself. I spoke with my sister about my feelings. My fears. Concerns with going back.....opening old wounds I have tried so hard to forget about.....and she looked at me with the kindest eyes - those of someone who understood my fears because she too lived through the tough times - and told me this:

"You are so much stronger than you were back then. Yes it hurts because you are opening old wounds and recounting difficult moments in your life....but you are stronger than that. You aren't the same person you were then. And I am so proud of you for that. Don't look back and let those old feelings control you. It's part of you yes....but those experiences helped bring you to where you are now."

She is so right. My little sister......I doubt she will ever know how much I look up to her. She is my rock and makes things feel so small when in my mind things are so large.

So I'm going for it. I'm not sure when I'll be done. I'm not putting a time frame on this project. I know that this project will be emotionally challenging for me. I know I will be pushed to the breaking point. I'm sure there will be points that I will need to walk away from the project .....for my own sanity. But I am ready for it. I'm open to embracing this next phase of my life. The idea of maybe (hopefully) connecting on an emotional level with a reader is exciting. The thought of someone finding hope through my words and my struggle makes this all worth it. And finally.....being able to not only tackle my inner demons but bring some closure and peace to my own heart makes this upcoming journey SO FUCKING WORTH IT.

So wish me luck.....writing a book is no easy feat......but I know in my heart this will be well worth it. Because I'm working toward accomplishing a dream. And I just know the final product is going to be great.

"People are capable, at any time in their lives, of doing what they dream of" - Paulo Coelho