Purge

2017 has NOT been my year people.

A lot (mostly health shit) has been going on throughout the entire year. Most of which has been exhausting to deal with... emotionally, physically, mentally, monetarily....ALL of it. Just FUCKING exhausting. It honestly felt like I was ALWAYS behind the 8 ball. The second something cleared up or got better....BOOM. Hit with something else. Something worse. More complicated. FAR more annoying **insert MASSIVE eye roll for added affect**

The issues with my health also took a serious toll on my mental health and well being. I spent most of this year crying........depressed....crying....depressed. Being angry at doctors....at God....genetics. I always felt like I was at a loss. Nothing would go right. Everything was overwhelming. At times, I just didn't want to exist because it felt like that would be easier than the never-ending nightmare that had become my life. Now I understand that last sentence is VERY serious....but it is also VERY accurate as to my head space most of the year.

Granted yes, I am BEYOND fortunate that while the conditions I have been diagnosed with are permanent and incurable, they are manageable (with the right combination of treatment, I can still live my daily life). And yes, there are many people out there who have it harder than me.......BUT there are many people out there who have it easier than me.....grass is always greener right? I became SO overwhelmed with my thoughts and feelings. It felt impossible to escape utter sadness and despair. Most of the year I spent mentally checked out...unable to fully be "present" in anything because I couldn't focus on anything else besides how utterly miserable I was inside. And sure ----check my Instagram. Peep my Snapchat. Take a glance at my Facebook. Spot a depressed girl? I doubt it. I've become a master of disguise. But then again.....aren't we all in some way/shape/form?

Most of you who know me know DAMN WELL that when I drive I am either mobbin' out to some serious gangsta rap (because duh), busting some serious dance moves, or belting out the adele-feel jams.....but when I am depressed and really in my own head, I drive in silence. I need the silence to sort through my thoughts and feelings.

The other night I was driving home in silence......thinking about how insanely fast this year flew by.....but also realizing how depressed I truly was most of this year. I started to think back on each month...........and discovered that some if not most of each month...I spent depressed. Upset with my situations. Mad about the shitty cards I had been dealt. Frustrated that things just appeared to continuously become more difficult for me. Seriously legit wallowing in "poor fucking me" land. Then I just became mad. Like beyond enraged.....with myself.

I know in life we cannot control what happens sometimes. We can't predict everything. Plan or prepare for everything. Sometimes shitty things just happen to good people and we don't know why....but what I do know is we control what we carry with us in our mind and heart. We make the conscious decision to carry and harbor energy (negative and positive).

I'm not sure why...but I got the sudden urge to purge. Clothes, shoes, handbags, people. Negative vibes, thoughts, energy. All of it. I started getting rid of shit like a mad lady. Removing the clutter. The toxicity. The fake ass fair-weather friends. EVERYTHING. Goodbye Fucking Felicia. I felt like I needed to just PURGE MY LIFE. I think I just felt so overwhelmed by everything this entire year that I just woke up and realized I've crowded my own damn life with bullshit and it was TIME TO GO. The last thing I did for my purge-fest was write. I sat with my thoughts and just wrote for what felt like an eternity. Everything I was thinking and feeling about this entire year. I just put pen to paper and went bananas. Before I knew it, I was like 13 pages deep and had ugly Kim Kardashian cried so hard my eyes were practically swollen shut.  Once I was done......I sat with it for a minute......then set that shit on fire. I burned EVERY single negative thought. Emotion. Heartbreak. Disappointment. Feeling. All of 2017. Burned that shit right up. Sitting there and watching that shit burn to the ground felt FUCKING AMAZINGGGGGG. It was like an insane weight was lifted off my shoulders.....and more importantly my heart.

It was then that I realized I needed to do shit differently in the new year. New Year. New fucking me. New way of dealing with shit. I have decided 2018 is going to be MY BEST FUCKING YEAR. I'm going to make DAMN sure that it is. Lots of laughter. Love. Self-care. Less depression. Less dwelling. Less sadness.

A new year is coming people!!!!! Take some time to sit and PURGE IT OUT!!!! It could be a physical purge, mental purge, emotional purge.....all of the above. Just purge that shit out!!!! Throw away the clutter. Clutter being anything/anyone/any thought or feeling taking up space in your head and heart that just shouldn't anymore. Enter 2018 with a positive and clean slate/head space....ready to tackle everything like a damn badass. Don't carry the past and the negativity into the new year with you. Leave that shit behind and make way for a new year full of positivity and light. I SWEAR to you......once you purge it out you will feel so much better. Get rid of the clutter from your mind.....and your heart. I promise you won't regret it.

"Clutter is not just physical stuff. It's old ideas, toxic relationships and thoughts. Clutter is anything that does not support your better self" - Eleanor Brownn

It's not about the cards....

So I've been MIA.....again. Partly because of how busy life gets. Partly because of health shit. Mainly because I haven't felt the urge to write. This blog has become my therapeutic sanctuary. The place I come to when I need to just express myself. Writing has always been a passion of mine......and lately I haven't had much passion for anything.

I've been dealing with this issue for some time now. I've seen doctors, specialists, you name it. I've undergone almost every type of blood test possible. Turns out, I have an autoimmune disorder. Just my fucking luck right? Another lifelong condition I didn't ask for and now get to deal with.

I've felt pretty much every emotion possible to be quite honest. Mostly sadness. I've felt pretty fucking depressed and sad. And angry. Lots of "why me's"?! I've cried........a lot. I've been in INSANE amounts of physical pain.....some days I can't get up from bed at all. Yet somehow, the emotional pain feels so much worse than the physical. Crazy right?

When I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder 11 years ago, I spent so many years in denial. Not willing to accept the card I had been dealt. Refusing treatment, medication, acceptance....just refusing to accept any of it...hoping if I didn't accept it to be "my reality", it would just go away. Which quite honestly only made things worse for me. Not this time. This time is different. I'm older...wiser...STRONGER.

Today, someone I love very much reached out to me out of the blue.......and said the most beautiful and kind words. It was like she just knew I needed to hear something.....anything to give me some hope. She expressed how strong she has always known I am.....how so many people look to me for strength....and that with my family, friends, and faith, I can get through anything life throws my way.

In life, it's not about the cards you're dealt.......it's how you play the hand. Now, I'm no card shark like my sister.......and I have no idea what hand wins in poker.....but I do know I've become really good at turning shitty situations around for the better. I refuse to let "not so fortunate cards" keep me down. Sure I'm human.....and I get knocked down....but I won't stay down. I'll get back up and continue forward in the pursuit of MY best life.....filled with love, happiness, and laughter.

You are never given challenges too heavy or hard to handle. Not when you are strong, believe in yourself, and have some BADASS people in your corner.

Tomorrow is a different day. A better day. A chance to LIVE another day. Not all are so fortunate. So don't let a shitty hand keep you down.......play that shit like a FUCKING BOSS.


"No matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life goes on, and it will be better tomorrow"- Maya Angelou

Ebb and Flow

I'd like to say something poetic about my lapse in blog writing.....something like:

"I've been busy finding myself" or "I've been out exploring"

blah blah blah 

Truth is life has been pretty fucking hectic. I've been in a busy place/head space and just haven't made the time to sit with my thoughts lately. Life has honestly just been FLYING by......I've been so consumed with life, work, home ownership, new medications, maintaining my mental health, relationships, friendships, life changes....that I just haven't had time to be one with my blog. It finally got to the point that if I didn't blog soon my head would explode (not even being overdramatic...even though being overdramatic is kinda my thing)......so here we are.

I've been doing a lot of thinking since turning 30. I've always found it odd when people say "another year older...feel any different"?! I never understood why anyone would ask that. It's another day....nothing changes. You just go to bed one age and wake up another. I've never felt different.....until the day I turned 30. That weird "overnight shift" everyone always asks about....I totally felt it. It was like I went to bed a 29 year old kid and woke up this 30 year old boss bitch.

Now mind you....I've ALWAYS been a boss bitch. Don't get that twisted. But this.....this felt different. I woke up in my same skin.....but with a spark. A fire deep inside forcing me to make things different. Shake shit up. Stop being polite and start getting REAL (catch my 'Real World' reference there?) But honestly....I woke up with a new attitude. A FUCK THIS attitude. It was like I just reached this place in my life where it was time to purge. Things....habits....people. Just fucking get rid of it all.

I realized that THIS is life....this very moment we are living. Not everyone is meant to stay forever. People change. We grow up. Grow apart. Find our way back to each other. Life is weird. It's like one day you wake up and realize "nahhhhhhhhh....I'm good on you...and your bullshit. Thanks." You get tired of going around in circles. Things. People. Shit that just doesn't matter anymore. I realized what I wanted out of my life. To live. To love. Laugh until my face hurts. Make memories with the people I love and care for the most.....but more importantly...the people who love and care FOR ME the most. I came to terms with the realization that it is time to surround myself with only QUALITY.

So many things ran through my head over the next few weeks. I discovered it was my time to get what I DESERVE.......to only accept back what I give....and nothing less. I reassessed everything in my life. Decluttered my life....in every respect. It was time to walk away from friendships that just weren't right for me anymore....work on bad habits....implement positive life changes....learn to just let things go. Let things be what they will be...let the chips fall where they may if you will. Just allow myself to focus on ME.....making myself first. Caring for myself first....then tackling the rest.

Realizing that this was necessary entering my 30s was hard. I've always been the person to care too much about everyone else and their feelings.....walking on egg shells to make sure I don't hurt anyone....putting other people before myself. Always concerned about what other people might think. Giving too much of myself to people and situations that just didn't deserve it.......didn't give it back in return. So I said fuck it......it's time to enter this next chapter of my life demanding what I deserve....and settling for nothing less than that.

So if you don't hear from me anymore......haven't seen me in "forever"......we don't text or talk anymore like we used to do.....take the time to look at yourself. The only reason I'm not around anymore is because I woke up and realized I DESERVE better than what you were bringing to the table.....if you brought anything at all.

I think it's super important to look at our life and say goodbye to the shit that just doesn't fit anymore.

  Sometimes we just need to stop trying to fit a square block in a circular space. 

There is nothing wrong with realizing what you once surrounded yourself with just isn't right for you anymore. It's nothing personal.....it's just life.

So don't try to fight it......just give in to the ebb and flow of life. Accept that if certain people or things have exited your life....there is a reason behind it. Remember the memories.....look back on the lessons....and allow yourself to grow from each experience. Learn from each moment in your life. Make demands from each and every person/experience in your life. Realize YOU are worth it. You deserve the same amount of time, dedication, and commitment back that you invest into things. If you aren't getting that.....make peace with it and move on.

In the end......it's a new year.....new decade......same boss bitch.....just a bit more demanding.....and YOU should be too!

"You will be guided away from relationships, friendships, and connections that no longer serve your growth when you're changing. Let GO." - Unknown