Ebb and Flow

I'd like to say something poetic about my lapse in blog writing.....something like:

"I've been busy finding myself" or "I've been out exploring"

blah blah blah 

Truth is life has been pretty fucking hectic. I've been in a busy place/head space and just haven't made the time to sit with my thoughts lately. Life has honestly just been FLYING by......I've been so consumed with life, work, home ownership, new medications, maintaining my mental health, relationships, friendships, life changes....that I just haven't had time to be one with my blog. It finally got to the point that if I didn't blog soon my head would explode (not even being overdramatic...even though being overdramatic is kinda my thing)......so here we are.

I've been doing a lot of thinking since turning 30. I've always found it odd when people say "another year older...feel any different"?! I never understood why anyone would ask that. It's another day....nothing changes. You just go to bed one age and wake up another. I've never felt different.....until the day I turned 30. That weird "overnight shift" everyone always asks about....I totally felt it. It was like I went to bed a 29 year old kid and woke up this 30 year old boss bitch.

Now mind you....I've ALWAYS been a boss bitch. Don't get that twisted. But this.....this felt different. I woke up in my same skin.....but with a spark. A fire deep inside forcing me to make things different. Shake shit up. Stop being polite and start getting REAL (catch my 'Real World' reference there?) But honestly....I woke up with a new attitude. A FUCK THIS attitude. It was like I just reached this place in my life where it was time to purge. Things....habits....people. Just fucking get rid of it all.

I realized that THIS is life....this very moment we are living. Not everyone is meant to stay forever. People change. We grow up. Grow apart. Find our way back to each other. Life is weird. It's like one day you wake up and realize "nahhhhhhhhh....I'm good on you...and your bullshit. Thanks." You get tired of going around in circles. Things. People. Shit that just doesn't matter anymore. I realized what I wanted out of my life. To live. To love. Laugh until my face hurts. Make memories with the people I love and care for the most.....but more importantly...the people who love and care FOR ME the most. I came to terms with the realization that it is time to surround myself with only QUALITY.

So many things ran through my head over the next few weeks. I discovered it was my time to get what I DESERVE.......to only accept back what I give....and nothing less. I reassessed everything in my life. Decluttered my life....in every respect. It was time to walk away from friendships that just weren't right for me anymore....work on bad habits....implement positive life changes....learn to just let things go. Let things be what they will be...let the chips fall where they may if you will. Just allow myself to focus on ME.....making myself first. Caring for myself first....then tackling the rest.

Realizing that this was necessary entering my 30s was hard. I've always been the person to care too much about everyone else and their feelings.....walking on egg shells to make sure I don't hurt anyone....putting other people before myself. Always concerned about what other people might think. Giving too much of myself to people and situations that just didn't deserve it.......didn't give it back in return. So I said fuck it......it's time to enter this next chapter of my life demanding what I deserve....and settling for nothing less than that.

So if you don't hear from me anymore......haven't seen me in "forever"......we don't text or talk anymore like we used to do.....take the time to look at yourself. The only reason I'm not around anymore is because I woke up and realized I DESERVE better than what you were bringing to the table.....if you brought anything at all.

I think it's super important to look at our life and say goodbye to the shit that just doesn't fit anymore.

  Sometimes we just need to stop trying to fit a square block in a circular space. 

There is nothing wrong with realizing what you once surrounded yourself with just isn't right for you anymore. It's nothing personal.....it's just life.

So don't try to fight it......just give in to the ebb and flow of life. Accept that if certain people or things have exited your life....there is a reason behind it. Remember the memories.....look back on the lessons....and allow yourself to grow from each experience. Learn from each moment in your life. Make demands from each and every person/experience in your life. Realize YOU are worth it. You deserve the same amount of time, dedication, and commitment back that you invest into things. If you aren't getting that.....make peace with it and move on.

In the end......it's a new year.....new decade......same boss bitch.....just a bit more demanding.....and YOU should be too!

"You will be guided away from relationships, friendships, and connections that no longer serve your growth when you're changing. Let GO." - Unknown