So lately I had been MAD depressed. Like the worst depression I have ever felt in my entire life. I felt like dying. The thought of no longer existing and how much easier it would be if I wasn't around had crossed my mind. My thoughts had become so dark. I felt so alone, so lost. I didn't want to work, didn't want to see my family or friends. I just didn't want to exist. I had shut myself off from everything and everyone. I no longer felt like myself anymore.The doctors call it "Chemical Depression". Apparently its like the worst form of depression that you can have. The chemical imbalance in my brain was causing my depression. Nothing except medication would help at that point. It got so bad I didn't even want to write anymore. Every project I've been working on just came to a hault. I was a shell of myself. I could see myself going through the motions of a day but felt completely disconnected from myself.
I reached out to my family for support and was met with nothing but love, attention and unwavering support. I needed to lean on my family and my boyfriend for support. I could no longer fight the fight alone. I went to my doctor and explained the medication change just wasn't working for me. If you remember, I started a medication change a few months back. Over the last few months my mood and my spirit diminished. My depression got worse and worse. The fog became heavier and thicker as the days passed. I expressed how I felt like a lesser version of myself. How horrible I felt in my own skin. How badly I wanted to just feel like myself again.
I've been on Latuda and Lithium for a few months now. We were trying to take me completely off the Lithium and only on Latuda, but it just hasn't been working for me. My depression got the best of me. It's like being manic.....only the low side of the spectrum. An uncontrollable sadness. An everlasting cloud of utter loneliness. I just couldn't continue going at the rate I was going. The sadness and depression became intolerable. We discussed removing me from the Latuda and going back to the Lithium. In spite of all of the side effects of Lithium it is the only medication proven to work for managing my mania and my depression. It is the only medication that controls my highs and lows and allows me to feel like myself. I'm willing to take the side effects and live with them if it means I can feel like myself again.
I've never dealt with depression this bad. I've only dealt with the highs of Bipolar Disorder. The mania. The manic episodes. Never have I had to deal with the chemical lows. The sadness. The loneliness. The never ending dread of my negative thoughts. It's been tough.....feeling like a stranger in my own skin. Feeling like a lower grade version of myself. Hating the person I see in the mirror. Not even recognizing myself because I've become so detached from myself. Not wanting to be close to my friends or family. Not wanting to participate in activities or conversations. Not wanting to cuddle with my own boyfriend. Just wanting to escape.
Since I met with my doctor we increased my Lithuim and decreased my Latuda. It took several days but I am FINALLY pushing through the fog. I am finally starting to feel like myself again. I've been told there is a sparkle in my eyes again. I want to work. I want to see my family and friends. I want to be present. I FEEL present. I don't feel sad or down anymore. It feels amazing to feel good again. I'm soaking it all in because its been SO LONG since I felt remotely close to myself. I'm happy again and I am enjoying every second. It feels so great to feel like my old self again. I want to hold on to this moment in time and just live in it because I'm afraid my old friend depression is just waiting in the wing......waiting to take over my existence again.
Depression is a bitch. It honestly is. It robs you of everything. It leaves you sitting, a shell of who you once were, sad and lonely. Feeling miserable. Feeling so alone even if you are surrounded by everyone you love. It was hard for me to be asked what makes me happy. When you're depressed you don't even remember what makes you happy anymore. Happiness seems like a distant friend. An old lover. A long lost memory. I had nothing to say when asked what made me happy. That's how I knew my depression was bad......I couldn't name one thing that made me happy. Like truly happy. I have so many things and people in my life to be thankful for yet in that moment nothing came to mind. Happiness seemed like a foreign concept to me.
It's tough living within the fog. Never feeling like there is a way out. Feeling alone in a crowded space. I know some of you reading this have felt this way. I can't possibly be the only person who has lived within the haze of depression. So how do you get out of it? How do you push through the fog? For me it was a chemical switch. The chemical imbalance in my brain needed to be treated with medication. That was the only way to push through my fog. But how do we push through the fog of depression in our day to day lives?
My therapist suggested doing things that make me happy. Surrounding myself with the people I love the most. ASKING for what I need from people. Asking for anything is tough for me because I'm super independent and feel like I can tackle everything alone. News flash......I can't. You just can't. We weren't made to deal with everything alone. We just weren't.
I suggest when depression has got you down to take a step back and evaluate the situation. Figure out first what is causing the depression. Is it something that can be adjusted or fixed? Is it a situation that has you down? Is work bringing you down? There is always an underlying cause for your depression. The first step is to recognize it. It makes it easier to tackle it. The second step is reaching out. Letting the people closest to you know you are dealing with a funk. Let them help you. There is NOTHING wrong with asking for help. We all need help from time to time. Third is to focus on what makes you happy. What makes you you? Maybe its yoga, reading a book, going to the beach, watching trashy reality tv. What is it that makes YOU happy? Figure that out and do it. Do the things that make you happy. Surround yourself with the people that lift your spirits. Focus on making yourself happy.
Depression isn't easy. But it can be managed. For some of us it takes a little chemical adjustment, for others it can be a simple lifestyle change. Whatever the case may be, there is a light at the end of the dark tunnel. I know for me I felt like there was no light at the end. My journey looked bleak......but I found my way.
We need to focus on loving ourselves. Listening to our body and our mind. Nurturing them. Loving ourselves. When we take some time out to focus on our own happiness we will discover ourselves in better spirits. Take the time to listen to what your body and mind are telling you. Take a break when you need it. Go shopping when you want to. Eat a burger just because you're in that mood. Laugh until you almost pee your pants because it is GOOD for the soul. Become one with yourself. I think it's important to be in tune with what your body, mind and spirit are telling you. Love yourself. Remember to share that love with others. Depression can be a bitch, but it doesn't have to be the end all be all. Just remember to fight it one step at a time. You can and you WILL push through the fog. I did........with a lot of fight and determination. Always remembering there is a light at the end of the tunnel and that not every day is a bad day is key. One step at a time.
"Mountains know the secrets we need to learn. That it might take time, it might be hard, but if you just hold on long enough you will find the strength to rise up" - Tyler Knott Gregson
