Opinions

Opinions are like assholes.....everyone and their damn mother has one.

It's funny because we ALL say that. You know damn well there have been countless times you roll your eyes and say that exact line. Followed by ranting and raving for another hour about how much you hate DESPISE when people give you their unwanted and unwelcome opinions. Yet the funny thing about that is we are (at the same time) guilty of giving our own opinions.......even if no one has asked for them. Why the hell do we do that? Like why are we all so damn hypocritical?!

I always appreciate hearing from others. I am a firm believer that we can learn so much from people. There are SOO many people in the world. With their own opinions, experiences, and takes on life. I love listening to people....I love hearing about the life moments (big or small) that have made them who they are. I feel that unless we are constantly growing and evolving we aren't progressing. Rather we stay stuck in a stand still and just spend our whole lives trying to escape from the quicksand that is sucking us down.

The shit I don't like.......people giving their unwanted opinions about MY life. My life is my life. That simple. What I do or don't do with it is my business. Unless I'm Walter White-ing it and cooking meth out of my mom's basement I don't really need your opinions or interventions. There is a fine line between when I turn to you for your opinions and advice..........and when you overstep boundaries and start talking endlessly about how YOU think I should live MY life. Reread that little fragment for a second and tell me what's wrong with what I just said. No one.....I repeat NO ONE has the right to tell you how you should or shouldn't be living your own life. If you are free and you are doing your thing....props to you.

I consider myself a responsible moderately responsible adult. I work. I pay my own taxes and bills. I live an honest life. I'm somewhat funny. I am loyal to everyone I love. I enjoy laughter and making memories. I'm not perfect. By no means am I perfect.....but I am doing the best with what God has given me....and to me that is suffice.

I take pride in my life.....all of the good, the bad, the ugly, and the magical things that I have experienced. I feel that no matter what I have experienced in my life, it was all meant to happen for a reason. To bring me to the next phase of my life. I don't regret anything.....nor do I spend too much time dwelling on "could have" or "should have" been. I know I fuck up from time to time (I'm human). I know I don't always say or do the right thing (sue me). At the end of the day.....I do the best I can and I'm proud of that.

I wish people would spend LESS time giving their unwanted opinions about my life or how I'm living it and spend more time assessing their OWN situations. People are always quick to give their two cents (if you're going to bother me at least give me a $20. Any less than that is a slap to my face). I think at the end of the day all of us are guilty of hiding from our own problems. We have SO MUCH SHIT in our own lives that we refuse to deal with that we think it's acceptable to deflect and project onto others.......and that shit is not cool. I repeat.....it is NOT cool. Stop it.

We all care for the people we choose to have in our lives. I know this....but maybe we all need to spend a little less time throwing our opinions out into the airwaves and a lot more time working on our own shit. Do you and let me do me ok? Life is crazy beautiful and we will all probably spend our whole lives trying to figure out what the fuck we are doing with ourselves. I just ask that we give opinions to OURSELVES about our own lives. I've heard some pretty interesting opinions about my life and what I'm doing with it from people who have no business speaking because they can't even balance their own checkbooks.

Do yourselves (and all of us really) a favor.......and fucking DO YOU. Mind your own business. If something is happening and you don't agree but no one is asking your opinion.....keep that shit to your damn self. Focus on what you are doing. What do you want from your life? Are you happy? Where do you want to be in 5 years? Just spend more time worrying about #1 and less time worrying about the rest of us. I promise you we all figure our own shit out in our OWN time....and that's the way it should be. Who the hell are you to tell me how to live my life anyway?!

"Who are you to judge the life I live? I know I'm not perfect.....and I don't have to be....but before you start pointing fingers make sure your hands are clean" - Bob Marley 

How are YOU?!

I'm outspoken as fuck and a majority of the time I just want to look at someone that asks me that and say:

"Well my husband ex-husband lied to me the entire time we were together. He is an alcoholic. He has rage issues.....he can't make any decisions for himself since he still sucks his moms tits....oh and after 2 months of being married I decided to file for divorce. How the FUCK are you?"

But I refrain. I breathe in deep and smile and say "I'm great thank you", mainly because airing my dirty laundry to the whole world isn't the thing to do (yes I am aware I did just that above....and it felt fucking AMAZING so fuck off if you don't like it). 

For those of you who have been wondering, calling, texting, or sitting with your thoughts because you aren't sure how to bring it up to me......I promise you I am fine. I am fucking FREE. I haven't been free, nor have I felt this alive, in years. I am relishing every second of every day because the feeling I get when I wake up in the morning is like a drug. When you suffer in hell for so long eventually you forget what it feels like to be alive. FYI: It feels FANTASTIC. 

It shocks me just how "OK" we become with things. How much we voluntarily sweep under the rug called our lives because we are hoping things will change.....or we don't want to get others involved in our issues. When people would see me out and ask how I was doing....I wish I would have told more people "I'm fucking miserable actually." Maybe had I just been honest with myself and my feelings sooner I might have been able to avoid the mess that has become my life. Why do we sit waiting for people to ask us how we are doing?! Why don't we ask OURSELVES that question? Like why don't I wake up and ask "How the fuck are you doing today Jackie? Let's assess your feelings today." We all get so caught up with life, rent, bills, relationships, drama, Chipotle, social media, bullshit, etc. that we never really take the time out to assess our own feelings. Maybe if we as individuals were to take more time to ask ourselves how we are doing instead of always concerning ourselves with how everyone else is doing we would all feel a tad bit more free.

I propose we start assessing ourselves. Each and every day. Check in with you. Touch base with your head and your heart. Ask yourself "How are YOU?" Be real with yourself. Be open with your feelings. Address them and respect them for all that they are.....and all that they aren't. As I said above.....maybe had I taken a little more time to address my own feelings, I would have realized that I knew my relationship was fucked. I knew we were doomed. I knew we would never make it a year. I knew all of this.....yet I chose to ignore the feelings and the signs because I didn't want to accept the reality of MY situation.....which was that I wasn't doing well at all. 

Faking smiles and avoiding your feelings are temporary band-aids for a more serious and pressing issue. You can't hide from your heart forever. I couldn't hide from mine......you're no exception. So do yourself a favor. Don't make the same mistake I did. Look yourself in the mirror honestly every single day and ask the most important person in the whole world this question every day:

"How are YOU?"

I promise you won't regret it. 

"Happiness is not something you postpone for the future; it is something YOU design for the present" -Jim Rohn

IGNITE

Ignite (v) - catch fire or cause to catch fire.

The definition of 'ignite' is so basic. The funny thing about something igniting is the aftermath of something that has caught fire is anything but basic.

Things have been ablaze all over my life. There was a period of time that I spent every waking second of my life trying to put out all of the fires that seemed to be consuming my life. At first I was able to put them out one at a time......recently it felt like I was sitting in the center of hell burning alive.

I've discovered over time many of the fires weren't accidental.......they were actually intentional arson. "Why on earth would anyone ever want to intentionally set great things on fire," one might ask. I realized over time that not everyone in this world has a good heart. Not all of us come from a good place. There are actual malicious people in the world......so corrupt, jealous, and unhappy with their own lives that they will stop at nothing until they burn everything and everyone to the ground so their pathetic selves can feel a little better....at least for one fleeting moment in time.

I couldn't understand why anyone would ever be like that. I'm the typical hippie at heart. The optimistic soul that feels everyone is good deep down inside. I find the beauty in every part of life. It was disturbing to me.....sitting and watching my world on fire....and not in a good way. I became consumed by the blaze......giving up power to the fire. The burn....no matter how bad....began to feel normal. It actually felt good to feel something at all. I became indifferent to the word 'ignite'. It lost its luster. It was no longer the promise of something magical.....but the eventual demise of what once was.

Once I removed myself from the toxic flames that had engulfed my life in every shape and form.....I discovered that something igniting in my life could be basic....but didn't have to be devastating. A simple laugh. A brief smile. A warm embrace. All basic things that ignite such an AMAZING surge in your soul. Think about it......someone smiles at you walking in to the supermarket, causing you to smile back. Boom. Instantly smiling and happy inside. Why is that? I guarantee that person had no idea what their smile would ignite in your soul.

I'm trying this new thing where I release the bad and only inhale the good into my heart. Instead of hearing the word 'ignite' and thinking of something negative.....why not look at it as an amazingly positive word with such a powerfully positive counteraction? I think we all spend way TOO much time thinking about the negative instead of letting it roll off our backs in anticipation for the arrival of something truly epic. Instead of allowing toxins to ignite an uncontrollable flame in our lives......why not allow love and happiness to ignite a fire in our hearts to be better people? I'm just saying......I think we should all invest in igniting positive fires in not only our lives.....but the lives of others. You might just be surprised that a little fire never hurt anyone at all.

"Our passions are the true pheonixes; when the old one is burnt out the new one rises from its ashes" - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

RECLAIM

People always tell me "Jackie you should write a book...I would read it in a second". I'm not sure if that is a compliment or a slap in the face. I will admit, my life has had its shares of ups and downs....but no matter what has been thrown my way, I have managed to rise from the burning ashes and move on like the boss bitch that I am.

I never have nor will I ever apologize for the things I have said or done in my life. Life is once...and it is meant to be lived. There will only be ONE Jacqueline Castro, and I live life enjoying each second of every day, as there were quite a few times I was pretty sure I was going to die. For some reason God is keeping me around. I'm not sure if he keeps me around because I am meant to do something fucking epic with my life......or because he knows that the way I make people laugh is pretty fucking epic in itself.

This blog isn't about right or wrong. I am not concerned with punctuation or grammar. This is my safe haven. My place to share my thoughts, stories, experiences, and journey with whoever might come across it. This is not a place for judgement (so if you're judging I don't want it), nor is it a place for opinions. It is simply my little space to share the crazy roller coaster ride I call my life. Some of the things that have happened to me are SO unreal, if I heard them from someone else I would think it's total bullshit. Oddly enough....I can't even begin to embellish the events in my life....I really feel it would take away from it.

A little about myself....I am a 27 year old wild child living in the IE again. I filed for divorce after only having been married 2 months (no I am not Kim Kardashian and I would love it if people stop comparing my divorce to hers). I love to laugh, I color in coloring books when I'm stressed. I don't like to take life too seriously because it's too short to do that anyway. I am loyal to a fault and will love you until the day you give me a reason not to. I am a sexual assault victim SURVIVOR. I also suffer from Bipolar Disorder. It is part of who I am, but does not control who I am and I'm pretty fucking proud of that. I am an example of the many living with mental illness who are fully functioning, active members of society spreading a positive light with the world. I live my life without shame (just ask anyone who sees me dancing in my car or butchering 'No Scrubs' at a karaoke bar). I find beauty in the simple things in life.....such as a little Cuban coffee with my grandparents talking for hours about their days in Cuba before coming to the US. The support system I have is unreal. I swear I often pinch myself because it feels too good to be true......I am blessed beyond words and am grateful each and every day for the wonderful people God has placed in my life.

As I mentioned....this isn't a self-help blog, nor is it me looking for your opinions on how to live my life. This blog is my release. My place to share the story of a crazy-random girl living her life the best way she knows how.....freely. These are the raw, unedited, vulnerable, and sacred stories of my life. All of the good, bad, ugly....all of it has played a part in making me the woman that I am.

"I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear" -Nelson Mandela