To you. I wish you well. And that’s all I have to say about that.
This one isn’t even about you (as much as I know you’re hoping it is). It’s about getting back to me.
I lost myself somewhere between trying to find myself and trying to keep something alive that had run its course a long time before it actually ended. I spent a very long time trying to love someone who truly doesn’t love themselves......and let me tell you...that is a very draining and ultimately impossible task.
Oddly enough, I don’t regret a single second. I’m not sad I tried as long as I did. I’d be lying to myself if I tried to be anyone else other than who I am.....a caring person who loves the SHIT out of her circle....and her life. Giving it any less than 100% from beginning to end would have been a disservice to myself....and I wouldn’t be able to look at myself in the mirror if I knew I gave any less than my whole heart......the whole time. Even if I knew I was setting myself up for the ultimate demise.
After bawling my eyes out to my therapist, venting about how angry, robbed and utterly heartbroken I felt, she asked me to sit and tell her all of the things I learned about myself in this relationship that made me happy.
I’ve discovered I’m a bad ass woman. Like not even trying to toot my own horn (beep FUCKING beep), but like I really am. I’ve been through some shit in my life....and somehow I’ve managed to come out on the other side. Smiling. Scarred but strong. Feeling blessed and better than when I started. And this situation was no different.
I can be accountable. Dependable. I can handle myself and another....and hold shit down if need be. I can be a loving partner. The one that will stand by you, no matter what, because they love you. Supportive.....here to back you while you chase your dreams. Honest to a fault....even if what I’m saying hurts but is necessary. Compassionate. Understanding. Willing to compromise. Able to accept when I’m wrong (even if it takes me a fucking minute to get there....I’ll get there). Always growing, evolving, and developing.
I am CONFIDENT (this one is the MOST important thing I learned about myself). Confident enough in what I have to offer a partner.....and knowing it’s OK to be "selfish" and walk away if someone is not willing to give you 100% of what you give them.
You should NEVER feel bad for putting your happiness and well being first.
The purpose of this relationship was to have the mirror held up...to see myself for all that I am....and to learn that I am ENOUGH. Faults and all (I’ve always felt insecure or “less than” because I feel I come with baggage). It’s terrible to feel that certain medical conditions I have are “baggage”, but that’s the reality of my feelings. I’ve learned that this idea I’ve been carrying around for so long is crazy......as my “baggage” isn’t even baggage....and plays no part in who I am or what is inside of my heart. At the end of the day my heart is pure and kind....and my love is genuine.
I DESERVE the 100% I put in given back in return....and if I'm not getting it, I'm moving on.
That.......that sentence right there......that has been the most amazing thing I’ve taken from this journey.
God ultimately has the biggest and BEST plan for each of us. We just have to maneuver through everything he puts in our way.....each struggle or barrier being an important life lesson. A special lesson catered just for us......to mold us and prepare us for the ultimate plan he has in store.
Despite the heartbreak.....I don’t regret a single second of my vulnerability and rawness. Because I love myself THAT much more now.
“The secret of success is to be ready when your opportunity comes” -Benjamin Disraeli
