My mind is permanently set to Fight Mode. Growing up with my father it had to be. Everything was an argument. Each and every issue (small or large) was a battle. I trained myself to plan ahead....always try to be one step ahead of my dad so that I could always win the war. It was like a game of chess. Strategy was always key. I learned to be immediately defensive. In my mind the only way to protect myself and "win" was to come in guns blazing, defending my stance to the death. The walk to my parents bedroom was the longest walk ever whenever I would hear my dad yell "Jacqueline". With each step I was mentally preparing myself to battle. Loading all of my weapons, gathering all of my ammo. Preparing to slit throats and go for the jugular...whatever would keep me protected and allow me to walk away with the least amount of emotional damage.
As disturbing as this sounds....it became my way of life. When it came to arguments with anyone, all of this would go through my mind. I like to consider myself a sweet individual who loves everyone, hates controversy, and would never hurt a fly. Most people that know me think I am just super funny and my life is full of rainbows and glittery things. Some of that is true (you all know I love me some glittery things), but when it comes to feeling like I am under attack or being threatened....I become a monster and I lash out the first chance I get. Not because I enjoy it....but because I don't know any better. I'm not trying to make excuses for myself. I am fully aware that this type of behavior is toxic. It is crazy because as I write this I sit here knowing that this pattern of behavior is unacceptable....yet I continue to do nothing to fix it. I figure to myself.....well fuck it. This is who I am and people either like it and accept it or they don't. But how is that fair? Why should other people have to endure my inappropriate pattern of behavior? Should they have to deal with it (much less accept it) because it is just how the fuck I roll and they can suck my dick if they don't like it? Is it ok because I've done things this way for so long and I don't care if it bothers others? Is this just who I've become?
When is it time to just accept that the shit you are doing isn't right, acceptable, or cute anymore? At what point do you have to look at yourself in the mirror and realize it is time to
The main reasons I hate (like DESPISE) breaking patterns of behavior is because:
- I HATE admitting I am wrong. Who the fuck likes sitting there and saying "hey you. you're wrong. stop being a fuck up".
- It is fucking hard pinpointing exactly where you go wrong.....and then figuring out what steps you need to take to break that cycle.
- Implementing anything new seems exciting..at first...but it involves constant work. We as a society crave Instant Gratification. We expect things to happen overnight...and when they don't we get frustrated and give up all together.
- Change is frustrating. Period fucking point blank. It is hard as fuck and quite frankly I don't like it.
In outpatient treatment they give you all sorts of building worksheets, accountability sheets, and a bunch of other random ass sheets that are supposed to help you target patterns of behavior you aren't satisfied with and give you ways to fix the problems. These sheets irritate the fuck out of me because it is so easy to write shit on a piece of paper, feel inside like I have addressed and solved the issues at hand, and then expect things to suddenly change for the better in my life.....all because I held myself accountable on an accountability sheet so that obviously means it will all magically get better. I mean duh..that's how it works....right?
Life isn't that fucking simple (though I wish it were). My inability to talk things out, my immediate rage, feeling like I constantly have to battle at a level 9, my lack of acceptance of responsibility, always having to defend myself or go for the jugular before you hurt me.......that shit NEEDS to stop. It is affecting every single aspect of my life....and to be honest...I'm getting sick and fucking tired of always fighting. It is exhausting. This just isn't me. And I know for a fact if I continue lashing out this way at the people in my life.....I will end up alone with no one because people will just be sick of dealing with me. Between you and I.......I would be sick of dealing with my ass by now too.
In 2010 after my last hospitalization, I realized that I needed to make some immediate changes in my life if I wanted to continue living a healthy and normal life. If I wanted to maintain my personal relationships and not lose everyone and everything close to me....I needed to really sit with myself and assess the patterns of behavior that were bringing me back to a place of instability and hospitalizations. I needed to address these patterns and figure out the best way to break them. I found a worksheet on 5 solid ways to break a recurring pattern of behavior. I know I mentioned earlier that I fucking hate these stupid worksheets BUT this one in particular really worked for me before....so why not dust the worksheet off and revisit it (with some of my own additional tweaks, of course).
- Recognize the pattern of behavior : Are you noticing that you find yourself in the same fucking place time and time again? Maybe the first few times when situations like this happened someone/something else was to blame....but if you continue finding yourself here is it because of everyone else? or is it because of you? My money is on the common factor.....which is more than likely you.
- Be accountable: Don't be "that bitch" that pawns all the blame off on everyone else. Own up to the fact that you are fucking up somewhere along the line. By blaming everyone else and not accepting your responsibility for the shit that is going sour all you are doing is holding yourself captive. You will never move on...I repeat you will
NEVERmove on and find resolution to the issues and break the patterns if you yourself won't hold your own damn feet to the fire. Burns doesn't it?
- Check your emotions: When you're in the heat of the moment you are all sorts of pissed. You lose all sense of your normal, put-together self, and are suddenly taken over by this bananas-crazy, ultra-emotional version of yourself. If you can develop a plan to catch the patterns leading to this crazy-ass version of yourself, you can actually catch yourself before falling into the same patterns of behavior you are trying to break. I'm not saying repress your emotions. I'm saying spend some alone time with them to figure out what is the root of the crazy....I can promise you it has nothing to do with what you are overreacting to. It is something deeper. Find it...and check its ass.
- Find the beauty in the chaos....and learn a lesson or two: If you never accept responsibility and learn your fucking lesson, then you will repeat the same shit over and over again. How many times are you going to burn yourself by touching the hot ass stove after your mother told you "hey fool...that stove is fucking hot. don't touch it" before you LEARN YOUR LESSON?!
- Make a different choice: We repeat the same cycles because we keep making the same damn choices. Dumb, but true. No one likes change because it is uncomfortable, hard work, and who would want to work more than they have to right? Not one fucking person on earth. There are countless possibilities for different outcomes....if we just push ourselves to make a different choice. Who says change is bad? I mean who knows? One minor choice could be the BEST choice we ever made. So why not try it?
I'm not perfect....like at all. I have ALL sorts of crazy ass issues. Don't think that just because my life looks fun on Instagram and I write this blog that I am put together. I am a hot ass fucking mess.....but I'm trying my best. And sharing my struggles along the way with all of you hoping maybe you relate to something here and can learn from my mistakes.
Don't ever think that just because you have always done something a certain way that it is right, healthy, or not able to be fixed because you are so set in your ways. That's the beauty of this thing we call life......each and every day we wake up and are given another day here on earth is our opportunity to right our wrongs. So take a time-out from your life and be honest with yourself. Until the day God calls our number we always have a chance to break patterns of behavior we aren't happy with.
"The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance" - Alan W. Watts
