Mixed Emotions

I've been feeling some type of way lately. I'm turning 30 in about 2 weeks and I'm not sure if I've been having a mini-meltdown or what......but I've been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting.  It is crazy to think that another decade has come and gone. I know to some people turning 30 is just another year older.....but turning 30 for me is something truly special. It is symbolic and SUPER meaningful for me. It is the end of my 20s.......and the beginning of a new decade.

My 20s were INTENSE. Full of growth, heartache, struggle, anger, rage, depression, emotional moments. I had just been diagnosed with Bipolar when I entered my 20s. I had NO idea what the fuck I was doing with myself. I felt lost, emotional, fragile. Throughout my 20s, I was hospitalized 3 times.....each time going back worse than the last. I was reckless. Unable to accept....or more importantly NOT WILLING to accept that this was now my life.....my realization. I didn't understand that this was FOREVER. Permanent. I had to deal with coming to terms with the fact that I was a survivor of sexual assault......although for many years I hid that too......unable to process.....feeling like a victim. Relationships changed. Dynamics changed. I just feel like the past 10 years changed EVERYTHING for me. Just changed me.....period.

I look back on my 20s.....and even though I dealt with SO MUCH shit.....I also grew into the woman I am now. I learned so much about myself. My strength. My ability to handle pressure and stress. I learned about ACCEPTANCE. Accepting that yes, I am Bipolar.....and that is ok. Yes, it is lifelong...and permanent....but MANAGEABLE. I've learned after 10 years that it DOES NOT control me...or my life. After 10 years, I am older, wiser, and far more educated when it comes to my condition. I now feel ready to be a wife.....to be a mom....because I know I can handle myself and my medical condition. I've been healthy and hospitalization free for 6 years now........which for someone who was cycling every 2 years.....is a HUGE deal. I've learned to embrace this card I have been dealt.....and taught myself how to live...how to deal...how to cope. I've learned my body...I've become one with my mind and heart. I know my triggers. I feel comfortable talking about my emotions. I understand when to pick up on signs....when I need to reach out for help...I now know when I just need to tap myself out and take a break for my own sanity and health. I don't allow the stigmas and opinions of others affect me.....as I've now learned that for most.....ignorance is bliss.....and I refuse to allow someones ignorance when it comes to Bipolar run my life. When it comes to being Bipolar.....not a day goes by that I'm not reminded of it.....but these 10 years have allowed me to look in the mirror and see a strong WOMAN, coping and maneuvering through life being Bipolar and FABULOUS.

I used to be pretty volatile. Unable to control my anger. ALWAYS ready to fight. Never willing to back down. Always finding a way to blame someone else for the problems.....never able to find my own fault in a situation. Never able to sit and truly LISTEN to someone when they spoke to me....because I was already 30 steps ahead of them in my mind.....ready to throw out the next insult and dagger. In my early 20s, I was unable to deal with anyone or their bullshit. I was quick to react. Quick to explode. I didn't care what anyone had to say.....I was right. They were wrong....and I would stop at nothing until I buried them with my words and walked away the winner. Now mind you, there is NOTHING wrong with being a strong ass woman who refuses to back down from her beliefs......but there is a fine line between someone who stands her ground.....and someone who is so wrapped up in how to discredit/disprove the other person that they don't sit with the facts and face the reality that they themselves are also part of the problem. It was hard for me to accept that the problem wasn't just the other person........it was also me. I'm part of the problem. My actions, behaviors....all of it....plays part in the conflict. These 10 years have really been growth years for me.....especially the last 4. I've learned that relationships (bf/gf, friend, family...any relationship really) require work. Listening, understanding, knowing when to stand your ground....and also when to bend and let things go. Learning to see the difference between something worth fighting for......and something worth walking away from. I've had to work on myself.....on changing and shifting my behavior.  I've had to learn how to walk away when emotions get too high. Knowing when I just need some space to breathe....and allow my brain to think rationally.....not just emotionally. I'm a work in progress.....I'm not perfect by any means.....and I'm sure I will ALWAYS be a work in progress....but I am learning how to read myself and instead of instantly going for the jugular and slitting someones throat....take a step back....truly LISTEN to what they are saying....and taking the time out to process my thoughts and emotions, and come back to address issues with a clear mind  and not from an emotionally reactive place.

Turning 30 is a HUGE deal to me.....it it MY fresh start. I am finally at a place in my life where I am comfortable in my own skin. I sit now in my living room.......looking around at my life in this moment....and I am truly blessed. Everything in my life is exactly as it should be. I am happy and content. I feel so fulfilled. I walk into work every single day and I feel so proud. Proud that I get to work with my mom and sister.....two of the strongest, empowering and most intelligent women I know. I feel satisfied....knowing I bust my ass every single day to continue building the empire my mom started 16 years ago. I look at the people I have chosen to surround myself with....the friends who have become family......those that have entered and exited my life in the last 10 years...and I am thankful. Thankful for those who make me a better person with their friendship. Thankful for those who helped shape me over the last 10 years.....and then exited my life...for whatever the reason might have been. I look at my relationship with my dad....and while it isn't perfect....it's honest. I'm proud that I have gotten to the place with my dad where I can just accept it for what it is.....be honest with him...keep it real with him. I commend myself for that....because being able to be honest and not hurtful is a HUGE step for me.

30 brings such promise. So much hope and excitement. I'm thrilled to enter a new decade feeling the way that I do about myself. I'm SO fucking proud of myself....and how far I've come. I'm proud of the woman I am. I am strong, independent, aware. Self-assured and self-reliant. I have embraced the good, the bad, the ugly.......and used it all to help myself grow as a woman. I look forward to this new decade.....and what it could possibly bring. I look forward to a marriage.....like an ACTUAL marriage. Maybe becoming a mom?! Who knows? Whatever God has in store for me will come into my life when it is meant for me. I look forward to continuing to grow in my career.....continuing to help my mom and my sister grow the business. I look forward to strengthening the relationships in my life, embracing new relationships/friendships, and letting go of relationships that just aren't a right fit anymore. I'm excited to love myself more.....be less critical of myself. Learning how to embrace going with the flow. Laughing more. Loving harder. Continuing to grow.

So yeah..........my 20s were............rough but necessary. Without every single experience I had in my 20s I wouldn't be the woman I am entering my 30s......and I'll have you know I'm pretty proud of the woman I am. I'm excited to put my 20s to rest.....and embrace the exciting unknown of my 30s. I think I'm excited because I feel like I truly KNOW who I am.....and I honestly LOVE the woman I am at this moment in time. I'm comfortable in my skin...and that is a gift.

So even though this time of reflection has been full of mixed emotions....and I've cried quite a bit......I'm ecstatic. Nervous....giddy.....everything in between.....but most importantly....I'm READY.

So goodbye 20s....... and bring it on 30. I'm so fucking ready for you and everything you will bring.

"If you are brave enough to say goodbye....life will reward you with a new hello" - Paulo Coehlo

You get what you give

I haven't posted a blog in MONTHS......and that makes me sad. I've been SO busy with work, my personal life, my mental and physical health, that I just haven't made the time to sit down and write. Writing is such a release for me. My chance to just sit with my thoughts, share my feelings, document my journey. It feels good to just sit here with my laptop right now.

So 2016 arrived and I realized....I'm turning 30 this year. I've literally lived 3 decades. I've spent a lot of time reflecting on my journey thus far. All of the ups and downs, the highs and lows. All of the things I have experienced. Opportunities I have had. Dreams I have accomplished. Remembering the moments that changed my life. The relationships I have made.....lost....walked away from. I've spent a lot of time thinking about my friendships. All the people I surround myself with. Everything I have experienced with the friends I have made throughout my life.

Friendships are so interesting. I value and cherish the friends I have in my life. I treat them as my own family. I love and care for them, want the best for them always, and stand by their side through the good times and the bad. I have always been the type of friend to reach out, touch base, check in. Make sure to make every effort to keep the friendship going. I've noticed over the years that it takes WORK to keep a friendship alive....but not just work on one end.....work on BOTH ends.

It has been a tough realization over the years.....but I have discovered that not everyone is willing to work as hard as you are to keep a friendship going. Not everyone values friendship the same way I do. Sometimes as much as you love someone.....and in spite of the history you two might share....people grow apart. Friendships change. Priorities change. Lives grow apart. No matter what effort you make....something is different. The effort that was once made to keep a cherished friendship alive no longer exists.  So at what point do you walk away? At what point do you stop trying? When do you make peace with the fact that you just aren't the friends you once were years ago? How do you mourn when you realize a friendship is over/no longer the same?

I've always worked hard to keep my friends. I have MANY acquaintances in my life. I have met many people throughout my life. But friends, people I trust, people I let into my world, share my darkest secrets with? Those are rare. The people I call friends are my family. There is no in between in my eyes. I like to reach out to my friends to see how they are doing. I like for them to know I am thinking of them. For them to know that even though life gets crazy and we don't see each other often, I love them and cherish them in my life. I've discovered over the years people don't necessarily reciprocate. I've accepted that not everyone is like me. I've tried to live life without expectations....but fuck that shit. Honestly. I want to get back what I put in.....in EVERY aspect of my life.  How long are you going to reach out, with your efforts not being matched? In the slightest bit? At what point do you look at a situation and say....this is one sided as fuck? It sucks to come to terms with the idea that the people you once felt SO CLOSE to have become strangers. How do you close that chapter? Do you call someone out? Do you try to make it right? Should you even bother? Is it just a waste of time?

I've been feeling a certain type of way about friendships the last 2 years. I've really spent a lot of time assessing everything, analyzing everything. Making mental notes. I've realized that in life, you get what you give. I've always been the type of friend to give.........but have realized lately I don't get back half of what I'm giving. How is that fair? Life gets complicated and crazy-busy the older we get. This isn't high school anymore where you sit with your friends at every break, every lunch, hang out after school. We are all adults with bills, careers, relationships, families. We just don't have the time to invest in a friendship like when we were younger.....but just because we don't have as much time anymore doesn't make it ok to just ignore a friend......not bother to reach out...and expect them to be waiting for you. I just started to feel jaded and upset about the whole idea of friendships. Like why should I always have to be the one to text you to see how you are doing? Why should I always be the one to suggest making plans? I feel like I'm the only one putting in any sort of an effort.....and when you love and cherish a friendship you make the equal effort. It's nice to feel loved.......but what about making someone feel loved back?

I've just decided to give myself my place. I'm not going to call someone and start a fight. I'm not going to tell you "pay attention to me". I'm just done. Notice we haven't spoken in months? Why is that? Noticed I don't text you to say "hi" anymore? Ever wonder why that might be?

Relationships.....all relationships...every type of relationship.....are a two-way street. Effort needs to be made on both parts. People need to feel they are cared for as much as they care for you. And when they realize they aren't......don't be surprised when they don't come around anymore. Don't be surprised when you don't hear from them. Don't act shocked when you realize your friendship has changed and you have grown apart.

I'm not saying you need to text every friend every single day. I'm not saying you need to have dinner plans once a week. I'm saying make the effort. Assess your friendships. Are you really getting out of them what you are putting in to them? If you aren't.....maybe it's time to reevaluate some shit in your life. Every person loves to feel loved. Appreciated. Thought about. No one wants to feel as though their efforts aren't being reciprocated. And honestly.....when someone finally realizes and accepts that their efforts aren't in fact being reciprocated......they stop putting forth an effort all together.

Take time to really look yourself in the mirror and ask yourself if you are being to others the type of friend you want for yourself? If not......maybe it is time to change some stuff before you wake up one day and realize all the friends you once had are gone. And if you are that friend always putting forth the effort.....maybe it is time to give yourself your place if your efforts aren't being matched. In life we only get what we give. It would be a shame to wake up and realize you were so wrapped up in your own shit that you didn't even notice those awesome friends you once had have become distant strangers you don't even know anymore. Sometimes in life "friends" just become "acquaintances". Sometimes "acquaintances" become "strangers".....and in life, it is SO easy to go from friends to strangers.......but SO hard to go from stranger to friend again. Think about it.

"I decided to put as much effort into contacting you as you do with me - that's why we don't talk anymore" -unknown