They always say growth isn't comfortable. Maturing isn't easy. Unlearning patterns of behavior and thought processes that provide comfort in the chaos isn't for the faint of heart.
Awakening the power within you doesn't come without a price. That price is your old self.
This year has without a doubt been full of the lowest of lows and the highest of highs. Pure bliss.....and utter heartbreak.
I was gutted this year. Stripped of everything. I reached a place where I didn't even recognize myself. No joy, desire, excitement. Everything felt like the slowest walk through the deepest fog. Yet at the same time everything felt like my first time beating Super Mario Bros........total ecstasy.
I've spent a long time living in a negative space. In my own head.....angry, bitter, resentful, sad. Alone. Often times afraid of my own darkness. Being accountable and realizing you've reached a new depth of darkness is difficult. I try so hard to keep everything together. Turn on the smile, even when its forced, because "fake it 'til you make it" has been my go-to since I was a teenager. It's comfortable. I don't want people to know I need help.....or that I don't have everything under control. My need for control over every aspect of my life (operating out of a fear of losing control and ending back in the hospital) is the NUMBER ONE CAUSE of my self-induced anxiety. Realizing this rocked my shit. Like wrecked my entire existence.
I'm the problem. I'm my OWN fucking problem. My overthinking and overanalyzing has crippled me beyond recognition. Absolutely no one holds me back but myself.......and this was a hard pill to swallow.
This year, for me, was the epitome of "The Year of L's".
I lost my abuelo. The one man in this entire universe that made me feel safe. His quiet demeanor was surface. His love, excitement, admiration, respect, kindness, and genuine way of saying so much with so little, shined like the brightest light in the sky. It is carried in my heart forever. I'm the luckiest in the world......I'm one of the chosen few to carry the Aguilera blood in my veins. Knowing he is with me, flowing inside of me, living forever in my heart, brings me all the comfort I could ever need. Te extraño mi viejo. Para siempre.
There are so many health issues I've been dealing with I could spend a whole ass day waiting at the DMV telling you about it. Don't worry....I'll spare you. Let's just say your girl has it covered (per usual). I've decided to call this chapter of my life: I'm a Work In Progress but standing firmly on my own two feet.
My house flooded. Like dead ass flooded. Ripped out floors, missing drywall, 50 fans & dehumidifiers running 24-7 to remedy the water damage flooded. Over a month living with my sister and brother-in-law (thank you again guys lol) while my mom watched my dogs (forever grateful to you mom) flooded. Everything literally in shambles. My depression was already reaching a concerning point around this time.....but I literally didn't have time to deal with it, on top of everything else going on.
When I finally moved back home, my house was a fucking trainwreck....but I was home. I spent almost 2 months in a pigsty. Boxes. Dust. Trash. Crap everywhere. I didn't even care. I had reached the low where I was still functional at work, but once home there was nothing left of me. Everything felt like it was caving in....but one day I decided to start doing one thing at a time. Cleaning one section a night. It's nowhere near "Jackie Clean", but it's getting there. My room is pretty much back to it's original state (with some tweaks and improvements). Tonight I finally cleaned the dishes in the sink (sitting since Noche Buena). Wiped down the counters. Organized a little. It made me feel accomplished. For the first time in months and months, I felt like MYSELF....and that was pretty dope.
My first baby.....my little love Milo crossed to Dog Heaven. My companion of over 12 years. It was sudden and unexpected...but I was surrounded (by literal fate) by my family. Their love and support helped make the transition of letting him go to the after slightly more manageable. I miss him daily. I've caught myself more than once rushing out and calling for him.....only to remember he isn't here anymore. I'm not waiting for him to slowlyyyyyyy shimmy his way back over to me before following me inside anymore. It feels like a knife jammed into an already hemorrhaging gape in my heart.
Tonight I received the last Christmas gift from my sister (ironically enough we both purchased each other sentimental jewelry from the exact same company). She gifted me a ring that says "Milo" with a little heart and paw. A subtle daily reminder that my furry friend, like my abuelo, live forever in my memories and heart. Now when I look down, I'll always smile.
This year wasn't without its share of L's......but it also had a lot of W's.
I spent the year growing. Laughing. Loving. Deepening in faith. Harnessing my inner power.
I got to experience so many firsts with my nephew/Godson. I got to see his little face change. Hear him find his laugh. See the twinkle of innocence (it's been a long time since I saw that). I got to experience the joy of seeing my sister and brother-in-law really grow into their role as "Mom & Dad"....and that has been magical. Laugh with friends and family. More importantly, fall more in love with myself.....and that has been the most beautiful part.
Yes my house flooded.....but it's finally MY OWN. So many memories haunted this house. As I walked back to my room tonight I just admired my space for the first time. Like truly fell in love with it. My dream floors. Bright, crisp, white walls. My blue accent wall. It was finally MY space......and while the flood was inconvenient and obnoxious......it washed away the ugliness that lingered.....the darkness I allowed myself to stay in. The negativity that grew to become my comfort. My safe space. The house feels bigger and brighter.....just like 2023 is about to be.
I've been manifesting everything that is coming to me this upcoming year. I've done the work. Learned (and continue to learn) the lessons. Pulled myself out of the darkness.....the overbearing sense of dread and disdain, and made it out on the other side. I've been keeping my head low and grinding. Picking myself up after every blow, looking in the mirror (even when my reflection disgusted me), because it's what my soul needed. I had to spend this time in my own purgatory to finally face my own demons and short comings.
Holding ourselves accountable has to be one of the hardest things we do...yet the most gratifying because from accountability can come change.
Looking back on 2022, I'm proud. Proud of the growth, the evolution, the change. It has brought me to my knees, yet God, my family, friends, and the promise of happier days kept me moving.
The future is unknown. I have no idea what is ahead. What I do know is I'm not leaving 2022 as the same woman I entered it. For the first time in 36 years, the unknown doesn't scare me.
I am Strong. Resilient. Thoughtful. Intelligent. Confident. Kind. Loving. Genuine. Respectful. I am comfortable in my skin and the place I am in in this moment of time. Excited to continue the pursuit of MY OWN happiness.
I finally hit the lowest of lows......and clawed my way back to the surface. I know wholeheartedly I was put here for a reason. To live. Love. Laugh. Enjoy, Stress less......and embrace more.
2023 is without a doubt the year of ME. And I'm thankful every fucking day for 2022. It beat me down, but didn't break me.
One day left. One more opportunity to sit and reconcile this past year. What/who made you happy? What/who brought you pain? A time to reflect on what you're leaving behind......and what you're carrying forward.
Travel light.
No one likes paying to check a bag they don't even open on vacation 😉
"Most of the battle in life is about getting your mindset right. 90% of life is mental. Typically, we are our own worst enemy. The problem ISN'T the problem. Our REACTION to the problem is the problem." -James DiNicolantonio
