Cheers to being SELFISH!

You read that right. I propose a toast to being selfish. To putting ourselves first.

Now when I say "lets be selfish" I do not mean fuck everyone in your life......they all come second to King/Queen you. I mean maybe it is time to concern yourself more with what makes YOU happy.....and a little less with what makes everyone else happy.

I think we get so caught up with being the "nice guy". We worry about everyone else. Their reactions, their thoughts, their feelings. But what about ours? When do we start to spend a little more time thinking about our own happiness? I know it's super "selfish" to think that way......and as a society we have been trained to view being selfish as wrong or fucked up.......which to a certain extent I agree with. But...what is so wrong with putting ourselves first? Ahead of the opinions and thoughts of our family/friends. In front of our 'contractual obligations' as people.

This blog was brought about by a recent situation I have been STRESSING over in my own personal life. I have been driving myself crazy and slowly falling into a depression over it. I have spent so much time concerned with how the other party might react to my concerns and my dilemma. Pulling my hair out over whether I should say something or not. I actually reached the point where I convinced myself that I would rather stay unhappy than grow some fucking balls and have a conversation with that person about my feelings. About my struggle.

I had a chat with my younger sister (who is wise WELL BEYOND her years) about the situation earlier this week. I cried, venting to her about how stressed and overwhelmed I have become over the issue at hand. She just sat there and told me that I can't live in agony over my problem. By talking to her I realized that I might have been making this a larger issue in my head than it needed to be. She reminded my that it is OK to follow my dreams. It is OK to put myself first. No one is going to treat me differently because I have chosen to move my life in a different direction. There is nothing wrong with being selfish and putting my happiness first.

Think about it. If you are miserable, everyone and everything around you will be miserable as well. They say you can't truly love another person until you love yourself. That same rule applies for happiness. You can't radiate and spread happiness if you yourself aren't happy. Hence where being selfish comes into play. Without being selfish and allowing yourself the things/experiences your heart desires.........how can you provide anything to anyone? I mean honestly. An 8 cylinder engine is useless if only 2 of those cylinders are running properly.

So be selfish. Go ahead. Put yourself first. Put your dreams, wants, desires.......your happiness.....put it all first. You can't really bring much happiness to someones life if your happiness tank is on empty. I should know. I've been traveling on an empty tank for a while.

Oh and to answer your question....I finally grew some balls. I sat down with that person and had an entire conversation. The conversation went better than expected and I realized that I had actually been making a bigger issue of it than necessary (yes Kathy.....you were right). Clearly I need to add not making issues larger than necessary in my mind to my list of things to work on......in addition to being a little more selfish. No one can sacrifice their own happiness because they are too worried about what someone else may or may not think.

Make sure your happiness tank is full. Check and make sure all your cylinders are running properly. Put your happiness first. Take care of you. Don't spend so much time concerned with everyone else. We are all on our own path, doing our own thing. We each arrive to our destinations when OUR time is right. So be selfish. I don't think being selfish is as bad as everyone makes it out to be.

"It's not selfish to love yourself, take care of yourself, and to make your happiness a priority. It's necessary" - Mandy Hale

Fuck Expectations

So I've been doing a lot of thinking lately.....hence the late night blog sesh. Expectations are lame. I'm throwing that fact out there right now. I think expectations are stupid. If you really sit and think about it.....all an expectation is is the "idea" of something/someone/an experience. Just that. An idea. It isn't the promise of anything....it isn't the guarantee of the turn out you expected.

I've experienced plenty of let downs in my life because "reality" didn't meet my "expectation". Go fucking figure. I know you have experienced the same let down. It just is what it is. We expect and get our hopes up.....shit goes sour......we get angry. Vicious cycle.

I recently blogged about not giving my dad another chance. Not allowing myself to let him in and possibly hurt me again.  I received a lot of feedback regarding that blog (BIG thanks to everyone who reached out, sent messages, and shared their views regarding the last blog.....you guys are amazing and I love knowing people are out there reading). After going back and forth for almost a week I agreed to meet my dad. Face to face. Sit down and talk.

The anxiety build up the day of was bananas. I even bought a new outfit for the occasion (I needed to look fantastic....duh). I decided that I wanted to get my feelings out to my dad. Express to him what I had been holding inside for so long. I bought the most adorable card I could find (yes it was adorable. yes it had glitter. yes, there were rhinestones). I sat with my thoughts and put the pen to paper. I wanted him to just sit with what I had to say......no speaking. Just reading. Understanding. Acknowledging.

I got to the restaurant early and waited. I saw him from a mile away.....and I became SO nervous. Anxiety overload. What if this doesn't go well? Am I setting myself up - yet again - to be hurt? Is this a mistake? All of these crazy intense emotions ran over me.......and then I spotted it. A purple envelope. He was crossing the street carrying his feelings in a card too. We laughed about the fact that we are both identical (to a certain degree anyway). I mean really? What are the odds that we both show up with our hearts poured out via card? It was just too funny.

We both walked away from each other. Allowed ourselves some time to read the cards and really sit with the feelings. We both cried. And we both agreed to let the past be in the past. Just wipe the slate clean and start fresh. Start over. At the end of the day.....all hurt aside.....all the pain aside....he is and always will be my father....and I his daughter. I think what crippled us in the past was never my dad (well partly my dad). I think it was my expectations of how our relationship should be. The type of father he should be. The interactions we should be having. I was constantly let down because I allowed expectations to control my way of thinking. I failed to realize that in this life we ALL fuck up. We ALL make mistakes. None of us are perfect. If every single person that I have let down stopped talking to me....I would be alone because I have let people down. Just think about it for a second......if each time you didn't meet or exceed someones expectations in life they never spoke to you again......who would you have surrounding you? Probably no one. Why? Because we AREN'T FUCKING PERFECT. We just aren't. And it was about time I learned to accept that reality.

If peace in my life and my heart is what I wanted....then I just needed to learn to let go of expectations. Learn that not everything can be wrapped up "7th Heaven" style in an hour. Shit gets messy. Life isn't perfect and wrapped in a pretty bow. People WILL let you down. You will disappoint others. Why does everything have to be picture perfect? It's just not normal. You know what is normal? Ugly Kim Kardashian crying. Eating an entire box of Thin Mints and not apologizing for the horrific day you have had. Aggravating people (yes...even you reading this blog right now....I promise you have annoyed the shit out of someone). Making mistakes is normal. Laughing at yourself because you ate shit walking. Life isn't easy. It's a bitch. It doesn't make any sense.....but it is WORTH living..because it is quite magical if I do say so myself.

Fuck expectations. Just don't have them. Go into life winging it. Just take chances. Don't expect anything. Go into shit blind.....if it turns out bad you don't lose out.....if it turns out good you end up pleasantly surprised and can enjoy that awesome feeling. Accept that it is OK to not have everything figured out. Clearly I sure as fuck don't......and to be honest I doubt I ever will. Which is cool with me.....I think having everything figured out is overrated anyway.

As for my dad......I don't have the slightest idea what is in store for us. I've just decided to take things one day at a time. I'm happy. I know at the end of the day he is a good guy that means well. He (like the rest of us) doesn't have his shit figured out yet....and that's fine with me. I enjoy the way I feel knowing there is peace in my heart and mind. In life....that is priceless....and so hard to come by. So I'm going to bask in it each and every day.....fuck the expectations. They are a bitch anyway.

"When you stop expecting people to be perfect you can finally like them for who they are.....not what you expect them to be" - Don Miller