8.

I'm turning 28 this year......which freaks me out a tad mainly because

1. I'm almost 30 and my life is a disaster. Literally...my closet and its lack of organization frightens me.
2. I still feel very much like a child....which makes me worried because by now I should be able to care for a child...not still be one myself.
3. I can no longer say "Oh I'm in my early 20's" and be able to get away with it.....bitch get real. You are in your LATE 20's.
4. TV shows like Dawson's Creek (yeah I watched it), Friends, and Sex & The City made your late 20's seem soooooo glamorous and put together. I'm pretty sure I am still the Captain of the Hot Mess Express.

I started freaking out thinking of all the places I have yet to go and all the shit I have yet to do. Looking back at the last 27 years....I wasn't too sure what I had accomplished. I started comparing myself to my friends and family (you know you do it too.....stop judging me). People are married, buying houses, graduating from schools, having babies....and I'm just here all divorced and shit. Then I started to really sit and think....and it hit me. What the fuck am I doing? I can't possibly sit here and say I haven't accomplished anything. What gives me the right to sit here and compare myself to others? We all have different lives, different struggles. Not one of us are the same...

I know for a fact I am not the only person to sit here and play the comparison game. I know each and every one of us are guilty of looking at our lives....looking at someone else's life...and wondering WTF....where the fuck did I go wrong....they look so happy sitting on the beach relaxing in that photo while I'm here slaving away at work in an office....which is NOT the beach.

I may not be well traveled. Might not have multiple degrees hanging on my wall. I know I am 27 and divorced......but at the end of the day I am happy. Genuinely HAPPY. I look at my life and while it might not be perfect...it is mine and I am crazy in love with it.....and YOU should be in love with your life too!

Sometimes we get so busy with work, relationships, friendships, bills, stress...and all of the other crap that clouds our day to day.....that we often forget to just enjoy life. Now when I say enjoy life...I mean the simple joys of life.  I've developed a pretty legit (if I do say so myself) list of things to do to brighten our mood and our day. Nothing fancy.....just simple little things to bring joy to our hearts and peace to our crazy/hectic lives.

8 Is Great

• Color in coloring books - Yeah....I know. This seems ridiculous. Why on earth would a grown adult find joy in coloring in coloring books. Let me explain.....you are allowing yourself to escape from reality. You get to sit with yourself for a little while and shut your brain down. Focusing on coloring allows you to shut out everything else that is stressing you out. You get to be a kid again AND reduce your stress levels. You're welcome.

• Rock the FUCK out in your car - Find the jams that make you really want to rock out.....and do it. I rock out in my car EVERY single day...especially when in traffic (please be safe when gettin' down with your bad self). People always look at me like I'm crazy.....but I am over here in my own world having a blast while others look oh-so-sad in traffic! Busting out to 'Mr. Jones' at the top of your lungs really changes your life......for the better. Try it.

• Stop giving a fuck about what people think - I love people. I love my family and friends to the end of the earth....but at the end of the day I could give a fuck what they think (sorry mom...I love you). I live my life for ME. No one else....and you should too. Don't be concerning yourself with what everyone else is doing/thinking/saying. Are they in your shoes? Are they paying your bills? Have their opinions of you and your life ever had an impact on your ability to function/breathe? No?? I didn't think so.

• Hug the SHIT out of someone at least once a day - Anyone can give a hug. More often than not you totally know when it's a fake/obligatory hug. I say hug the shit out of someone at least once a day. Get up in there. Use both arms. Smush your face against their face. Feel their heartbeat. I promise if you do this at least once a day your soul will thank you. 

• Pants Off / Dance Off in your living room - Keep your pants on if you feel like it. Either way....just dance. Like an idiot. Do the robot. Pelvic thrust into the air. Just rage. Once a day.....that's all it takes. Just take a few minutes to get all up in that mix. Not only are you having a blast (and probably laughing at yourself because you look like an idiot) but you are also working out. Strange right?

• Stay in touch - Send a message every now and then to your friends. Yes....I get it. I know, I know. You're busy. You don't have the time. You're soooo swamped. I don't give a shit. Those are all excuses. Relationships and Friendships don't just develop on their own. They need to be nurtured and cared for. Text an old friend when you're sitting on the crapper. Call your grandma when you're stuck in traffic (hands free people). Just stay in touch. Relationships are a two way street and the only way to cultivate them and make them last is to stay in touch. So take some time to hit up someone special. I'm sure they would love to hear from you as much as you would love to hear from them.

• INDULGE - In something. Anything you enjoy. Ice Cream, books, trashy reality TV...whatever it is that floats your boat...indulge in that shit. Make time for it. Enjoy it once in a while. Nothing wrong with making yourself happy. We are SO consumed with making our boss, partner, coworker, mailman, friends, parents, (whoever really), happy....that we tend to forget to take some time out of our day to make ourselves happy. Do that. You're important too you know.

• Laugh......a whole fucking lot - Find the joy and peace in the simple things. Laugh until your stomach hurts. Say some corny jokes every once in a while. Send funny memes to your friends. Look at the Kim Kardashian crying picture (that shit ALWAYS makes me laugh). I have found that even when life is shitty.....I am sad...my life is a "disaster"....laughing always helps. It instantly puts a smile on my face and brings a sense of ease to my mind. Laugh at yourself. I know I do. I make myself laugh all the fucking time. Just laugh. Doctors do say it's the best medicine you know. 

I'm not saying that this list is the end all /be all of shit that will make your life better. You might read this list and think I'm crazy. That is fine with me. You might read this list and never give any thought to my suggestions. That is cool too. But if at least one of you walk away after reading this and try something I listed......that will make me pretty fucking stoked about life. Those things I shared up there make my life complete. They bring joy and happiness to the crazy-ass adventure I call my life.

Going back to what I said above.....I know that all of us sit and compare. We are all guilty of it at some point. My advice is this......FUCK IT. Do you boo boo! Be happy with your life.....all aspects of it. Even the parts that you feel need some improvement. Love those babies too! Remember that life is a precious gift. We were placed on this Earth to do something amazing. Whether it is becoming a doctor, a trash man, a stand-up comedian, friend, family member, or even just a random little hobby blogger like myself.....we are all here to do great things and touch the lives of those around us in a profound way. 

Enjoy life. Laugh a lot. Cry when you need to. Bust out when you want to. Make fun of yourself. Excel in what makes you happy. Strive to be a better version of who you were yesterday. Most importantly....NEVER EVER EVER forget that you are a fucking blessing. Yeah....I said YOU. So stop comparing and spend your time reflecting on the awesome fucking blessing that is your life. Oh and smile. A lot. You deserve it.

"Why compare yourself with others? No one in the entire world can do a better job of being you than you" -Unknown

PS:

You're Welcome for the laugh lol

Ignorance is bliss......says who?

So as I mentioned in one of my first blogs, I have Bipolar Disorder. For me, having lived with this condition for over 8 years now and it being such an everyday part of my life, I tend to forget I even have it.

Shortly after being diagnosed I remember feeling so ashamed of my diagnosis. I was so afraid people would be able to look at me and just know.....like I was running around with some sort of label on my forehead for all to see. I remember I used to cry and blame God for the shitty cards I had been dealt. I would think of myself as some sort of cripple or victim....someone who has had their life stolen from them. I was 19 when I was diagnosed. A sophomore at Cal State Fullerton. Newest member of the Delta Zeta Beta Psi pledge class. I was young, wild and free. I didn't have time to deal with doctors, medication, blood work. I wasn't ready for my entire life to change so quickly and so drastically. 

I had heard the negative portrayal of people with Bipolar Disorder in the news....I had heard the careless and uneducated ways people would throw around the term "bipolar"....

"Bipolar woman eats her baby's brain" 

 "Man with Bipolar Disorder shoots gun on a plane"

"OMG she is such a PSYCHO. she must be bipolar"

"Shut up. You're so bipolar"

It's hard enough maneuvering around in a world when you are so young, trying to grow into your own skin and develop your own identity......to then discover you have this lifelong, super permanent medical condition that you need to be mindful of day in and day out. It flat out sucks balls.....there is really no other way around it.

Bipolar Disorder: A chemical imbalance of the brain; typically arises when the brain does not produce enough serotonin. Formerly called 'Manic Depression', is a mental illness that brings severe high and low moods and changes in sleep, energy, thinking, and behavior. 

Being 19 and recently diagnosed....I felt like a monster. I spent years of my life feeling angry, hurt, let down by God, alone. I felt like a total victim. I never felt good enough, always ashamed, and BEYOND afraid to tell anyone or have anyone find out....for fear they would judge me based off the 'not-so-kind' stigma/view the world had on people who suffered from Bipolar Disorder....or mental illness in general.

There are nearly 60 million people across the United States alone living with mental illness. Approximately 10 million of those people suffer from Bipolar Disorder specifically. That is a lot of fucking people.......I'm actually not as alone as I thought. My doctor always used to tell me that with the right medication, therapy, and routine maintenance my life could be as normal as anyone else....that being diagnosed wasn't the end of the world. For years I used to think she was full of shit. Refusing to accept my diagnosis and what it meant for the rest of my life was easier than just dealing with the reality of my situation. Avoiding it, not taking care of myself, drinking all of my problems away.....these were WAY easier ways to cope with it. I didn't want to accept that my life had to change. I didn't want to accept that this was permanent...................but all this behavior did was keep me cycling...in and out of my disorder.....in and out of hospitals. My life no longer belonged to me......it belonged to this condition.

I'm not going to share the details of my experiences.....they are horrible and painful memories that I live with every single day (maybe someday I'll share them). What I will share with you is the moment I realized my life needed to change. While hospitalized in a county facility I was literally punched in the face 3 times.....by a very angry patient. I was alone and heartbroken. I literally had nothing left in life. I had seriously hit rock bottom. It was that moment in time that I realized I HAD to make some sort of a change. Something needed to change and it needed to change quick or this would become my life. I could never be a good mom, a reliable partner/wife, a decent friend......none of this would ever happen for me if I didn't turn my life around.

I used to think that being diagnosed Bipolar was a death sentence. I was depressed because I felt my life no longer belonged to me. There are SO many people out there in the world battling things so much worse than I. People with literal time stamps on their lives. People who continue to fight the good fight knowing their time is almost up. That is not me. Luckily I have been fortunate enough to find the proper medication and lifestyle regiment that works for me. I have been hospitalization free (knock on wood) for over 4 years.....and for someone who was cycling in and out of hospitals every 2 years.....that is an AMAZING accomplishment and I am damn fucking proud of it.

I'm not going to sit here and say life is peachy. I have off days like everyone else. I cycle up and down like most individuals. I have those days where I can touch the sky.....and those days where I don't even want to get out of bed or answer my phone. I get angry sometimes.....I get sad because living with Bipolar Disorder isn't easy.....but I'm here. I am alive. I am HEALTHY. I am out fighting the good fight.

By no means am I saying that my experience is the norm. There are millions of people who struggle with this condition and we all experience it in different ways. What I am here to say is that I am the product of the struggle. I am the face of those who struggle in silence. I am living and breathing proof that not everyone with Bipolar Disorder is some monster like the media makes us out to be. Not all of us are crazy lunatics like the movies or TV portrays us as. I can GUARANTEE almost all of you reading this didn't even know I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder over 8 years ago.

I wish more people took the time to become a little more educated when it comes to mental illness and mental health. It hurts when I hear people drop the term 'bipolar' in their conversations frivolously. There is such a negative stereotype out there about mental illness.....it is so unfortunate. Ignorance is not bliss. I don't care what the fuck that quote says. All I do care about is getting people to realize that living with mental illness is nothing to be afraid of. It's not as uncommon or taboo as people make it seem. You NEVER know who you might be hurting with the things you say. Let us all take some time to be a little more cautious of the things we say and the assumptions we make.......we never know who might be struggling in silence within earshot.

The one thing I've learned from EVERYTHING I have been through.....all of the good....bad....the horrible...emotional..all of it.....from all of this I have learned that in order to be truly free I had to realize that the only person I needed acceptance from was myself. It never mattered what anyone else thought or said. I was the key to my own sobriety. I, not my disorder, controlled the way my life would play out. I spent so many years living ashamed of what other people might think of me if they found out I was living with Bipolar Disorder. You know what I've come to realize.....fuck them. Those that matter don't mind and those that mind don't fucking matter.

It is a lifelong battle.....but I am happy. I am blessed. I am fortunate to wake up every single day and enjoy life.....live it to the fullest. I live and take each day ONE step at a time. I am in control of my disorder....I no longer allow it control me. I am in an amazing place....mind, body, soul.....and that my friends...is something so sacred and so special. Something I have worked hard to accomplish.....something that NO ONE can take away from me....and for that...I am damn proud.

"I think the challenge is to take difficult and painful times and turn them into something beneficial...something that makes you grow" - Michelle Akers


If you are interested in additional information about Mental Health visit:

• NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness

• NIH: National Institute of Mental Health