Depression is brutal......and for me it masquerades around like I'm super happy. It's hard to ever tell I'm actually depressed because I always seem so happy. So full of life. So put together. Well I'm fucking not. At all. I'm a shit show of feelings......none of which present themselves at the right time.
Feelings don't give a SHIT about you....or where you are....what you are doing.....about what you are dealing with in that moment. They just show the fuck up unannounced and unwarranted. Unwelcome. You could be PERFECTLY fine and then BOOM.....memories flood in and you're crying in line at TJ Maxx holding a light up pineapple, rose water spray, and 2 bags of chocolate covered espresso beans (don't you judge me).
I try SO FUCKING HARD to keep a handle on my feelings. I reserve the time to vent them out, cry them out, scream them out. When I'm alone......or on the phone with my bestie who just understands my life and lets me be in my feels. But feelings......they don't give a shit about your "reserved time". They don't give a fuck that you're at work. They don't care if you don't have time to deal with them. They arrive.....LARGE and IN CHARGE.....with
BECAUSE THEY ARE NECESSARY.
I've tried to desperately to keep my life together.........keep myself in check. It's exhausting sometimes. Sometimes it is fucking necessary to feel. It's OK. It's actually NORMAL to ALLOW YOURSELF TO FEEL. Even if they are feelings that are stupid and make you question your own damn self for feeling them in the first place.
We are HUMAN. We fucking FEEL (well most of us anyway). We need to let ourselves feel. Feel love, anger, sadness, regret, happiness, grief. We NEED it. It is part of life. Just like death and taxes, feelings are unavoidable and inevitable. No matter how hard we try to run from them, push them down deep within, avoid them, pretend they don't exist. They DO.....and they WILL find you.
I've been super angry with myself lately for being in my feels. Mainly because in my mind I shouldn't have these types of feels. I shouldn't be angry or heartbroken or sad. But I am. At the same time, I'm also happy, excited and at peace. I beat myself up over some of the feels that arrive......like I'm some robot who "shouldn't have these feelings" or I call myself an idiot for even giving certain thoughts a second of my time. Well you know what......fuck it. I'm FUCKING HUMAN. We all are.
I think we get so caught up in what we expect......in what we think we SHOULD be feeling....that we don't actually allow ourselves to feel what we TRULY need to feel. Unlike us......who try to force things, convince ourselves of things, or make ourselves "believe" what we should be feeling.....feelings don't lie. They just show up, ready to be dealt with. They are true. They are raw. They are honest. And NECESSARY.
When we allow ourselves to just FEEL the feelings........we come out on the other end feeling SO MUCH BETTER. Running from feelings or trying to pretend they don't exist will only get you so far. THEY WILL EVENTUALLY CATCH UP TO YOU. They always do. And when they arrive.....they won't give a shit about whether or not you are ready for them. They are READY FOR YOU.......to feel, grieve, cry, process, and move forward.
Feelings aren't here to ruin our lives. They aren't here to keep us living in the past.....or remind us of what was/wasn't/isn't/won't ever be. They are here to TEACH us.......about ourselves. About how truly strong and capable we are. Show us we are human. Make us realize we aren't perfect.......and get us to realize that it is OK to not be perfect.
We aren't fucking machines. We just aren't. We can't be perfect and put together all the time. There is no such thing as A-Game 24/7. It's just not reality. We have to understand and ACCEPT that it is ok to feel. To be angry. To cry. We should never be ashamed of our feelings. We should never compare our feelings or how we process/deal with them to another person. Each of us are unique and beautiful creatures....who deal with feelings in our own way......and in our own time.
Next time feelings come knocking (because we ALL know they will), let them in. Allow them to shape you and change your perspective. Allow them to ALLOW YOURSELF TO LOVE YOURSELF A LITTLE MORE. It's necessary......and oh so important. Because you......you my dear are oh so important.
"Don't apologize for feeling something" - Unknown
