...thank u...next.

2018 has been a wild year.

I honestly have felt every single feeling in the book this year. Happiness, sadness, heartbreak, anger, resentment. You name it....I felt it. But of all the feelings I experienced this year, regret wasn't one of them. Not when it came to making certain decisions about who to surround myself with. Who to share my energy with.

I think we regret certain decisions throughout our life. It's pretty impossible to live a life without a single regret. In all actuality, I think regrets are what shape us. Turn us into different people. There have been certain moments in my life I look back on and regret.....I think we all do.....but I know that I have never regretted the decisions I have made when it comes to the people I have in my life. The people I choose to surround myself with.....and those who I politely remove from my life.

I swear this year felt like both the longest and shortest year of my life. January felt like 100 years.....then I woke up and it was October. I will forever be grateful for 2018. This year felt like my best one yet (I know that sounds weird since I spent half of it closed off to the world emotionally). It was a year of evolution and growth for me.

I found peace within myself. Peace with the silence that I have always tried to avoid.

I could never do "silence"......I've always been afraid of it actually. Coming to terms with my thoughts. Processing my feelings. Allowing myself to TRULY FEEL. Finally accepting that I had allowed myself to settle and sell myself short in some sort of way. It was in the silence that I finally allowed myself to feel regret with myself......and where I had sold myself short. All so I could figure out what to do different the next go around. And for that......I am forever grateful for the silence that 2018 brought. It allowed me to finally be free......and embrace those moments of silence and reflection.

You know you have done something right when you can sit alone with yourself and your thoughts.....your memories and experiences.....your feelings.....and not be worried. No long feel pain. Regret. Disappointment. When you can look at yourself and love all aspects of your life....the good and great moments.....the regrets and short comings....and know that each one of these moments helped shape you into the person you are right now.....and help navigate you on the road ahead. 2018 showed me that one is never alone when they are truly at peace with their head AND their heart.

Dreaded this year. I really did. Starting over. Being alone. It seemed overwhelming......but I've come to realize how much I truly enjoy myself. I've discovered what makes me happy. What self-care truly means to me. That saying no, taking YOURSELF into account, letting yourself truly feel, all of it is so important. YOU are so important. I learned that even the smallest victory....or tiniest step forward.....is still a STEP FORWARD.

Ending a relationship or friendship doesn't make you a failure. Saying no to toxicity......being selective as to who gets to live in your world.....it's all so important. Pulling yourself out of a depression doesn't mean you are a failure for winding up in said depression in the first place. We are programmed to be SO HARD on ourselves.....I think we forget how seriously important and crucial it is to be gentle and loving with ourselves. Putting yourself first seems so selfish......when in reality having the strength, willpower, and dedication to YOURSELF and putting YOUR needs first is pretty badass.

Don't be ashamed to say no to something or someone that doesn't fit or feel right to you. Say no to what doesn't set your soul on fire. Surround yourself with SO much love, laughter, and positive light. Understand that falling in love with yourself is fucking rad. And NECESSARY.

So thanks 2018. You shook me to the fucking core. You made me a different person than who I started out as in January. You helped me rediscover parts of myself I forgot a long time ago. 2018 gave me something irreplaceable. 2018 gave me ME back. If I've learned anything from this weird ass emotional year....it is that you will NEVER regret investing in yourself and your heart.

Let me repeat that......

YOU WILL NEVER REGRET INVESTING IN YOURSELF AND YOUR HEART.

So make 2019 that year. The year you fall back in love with yourself. The year you fall MORE in love with yourself.

"Hope smiles from the threshold of the year to come, whispering, 'it will be happier'" - Alfred Lord Tennyson

Complete.

My whole life I thought finding the partner you spend your life with meant finding the person that made you whole. Complete. The one person who was your other half. The missing piece of you.

At a point in my life I thought I had found that. I thought I was finally complete. Over time, I couldn't figure out why I wasn't happy. Why I felt alone. Why I never felt whole. It turns out I never was complete.

When I ended my relationship I felt so alone and so lost. I had given so much of myself to my partner and our relationship that I lost myself somewhere along the way. I had spent so much of my time trying to make someone else happy....and whole. Giving up parts of myself to fill the missing pieces of another. 

I never realized until this point in my life that it was never about finding my other half. The missing component. You can't look to another to make you whole. It isn't someone else's job to make you complete. It is YOUR job to make YOURSELF complete. Make YOURSELF whole. It's not about finding the person to make you complete. It's about embracing ALL parts of yourself and realizing that you yourself are complete and whole all on your own.

Think about it. If you are looking to complete someone, you are sacrificing parts of yourself to make them whole.....and vice versa. In order for relationships to truly work, both parties must be whole. Now I'm not saying they need to be perfect and have their shit figured out (we never truly do to be honest). What I'm saying is they themselves need to be WHOLE.......and so do you. Friendships.....Relationships.......these are in your life to make you better. To help you evolve and grow. To help you become the best version of yourself. NOT to make you whole.

In order to progress in life, one must be truly complete and whole. You must love and be gentle with yourself every single day. Learn from life. Become better.....not bitter. One can spend their entire life chasing something that will never happen...........you can spend your whole life trying to find something/someone to make you complete when at the end of the day YOU HAVE TO MAKE YOURSELF COMPLETE.  You and YOU alone. It would be unfair to expect someone else to sacrifice parts of themselves to make you whole.......because then what happens to them? Who makes them whole?

If I have learned anything these last 8 months........it is that people come and go. Partners. Friends. Relationships. All of it can be here today and gone tomorrow. Invest in YOU. In making yourself whole. Be complete and whole ON YOUR OWN. Don't look to be made complete by another and don't spend your life trying to complete someone else. Surround yourself with people who are complete and whole on their own. You will find that life becomes easier because no one is sacrificing parts of themselves to complete one another.......you are in fact surrounded by people who are complete on their own....leaving you complete and able to operate at your best and fullest capacity.

And isn't that what you deserve?! The best version of you?

Love yourself. Complete yourself. Know that YOU are enough. Be whole on your own.....for YOU.

"The whole point of being alive is to evolve into the complete person you were intended to be" - Oprah

Feelings SUCK....but are necessary.

I've been trying so hard lately to get out of my weirdo funk. Ever since I broke up with my ex I've been in a cloud of emotions. I'm happy, sad, angry. Angry about the fact that I'm sad. Sad about the fact that I'm angry. I'm like a fucking hot mess of feelings.

Depression is brutal......and for me it masquerades around like I'm super happy. It's hard to ever tell I'm actually depressed because I always seem so happy. So full of life. So put together. Well I'm fucking not. At all. I'm a shit show of feelings......none of which present themselves at the right time.

Feelings don't give a SHIT about you....or where you are....what you are doing.....about what you are dealing with in that moment. They just show the fuck up unannounced and unwarranted. Unwelcome. You could be PERFECTLY fine and then BOOM.....memories flood in and you're crying in line at TJ Maxx holding a light up pineapple, rose water spray, and 2 bags of chocolate covered espresso beans (don't you judge me).

I try SO FUCKING HARD to keep a handle on my feelings. I reserve the time to vent them out, cry them out, scream them out. When I'm alone......or on the phone with my bestie who just understands my life and lets me be in my feels. But feelings......they don't give a shit about your "reserved time". They don't give a fuck that you're at work. They don't care if you don't have time to deal with them. They arrive.....LARGE and IN CHARGE.....with no regard for you.

BECAUSE THEY ARE NECESSARY.

I've tried to desperately to keep my life together.........keep myself in check. It's exhausting sometimes. Sometimes it is fucking necessary to feel. It's OK. It's actually NORMAL to ALLOW YOURSELF TO FEEL. Even if they are feelings that are stupid and make you question your own damn self for feeling them in the first place.

We are HUMAN. We fucking FEEL (well most of us anyway). We need to let ourselves feel. Feel love, anger, sadness, regret, happiness, grief. We NEED it. It is part of life. Just like death and taxes, feelings are unavoidable and inevitable. No matter how hard we try to run from them, push them down deep within, avoid them, pretend they don't exist. They DO.....and they WILL find you.

I've been super angry with myself lately for being in my feels. Mainly because in my mind I shouldn't have these types of feels. I shouldn't be angry or heartbroken or sad. But I am. At the same time, I'm also happy, excited and at peace. I beat myself up over some of the feels that arrive......like I'm some robot who "shouldn't have these feelings" or I call myself an idiot for even giving certain thoughts a second of my time. Well you know what......fuck it. I'm FUCKING HUMAN. We all are.

I think we get so caught up in what we expect......in what we think we SHOULD be feeling....that we don't actually allow ourselves to feel what we TRULY need to feel. Unlike us......who try to force things, convince ourselves of things, or make ourselves "believe" what we should be feeling.....feelings don't lie. They just show up, ready to be dealt with. They are true. They are raw. They are honest. And NECESSARY.

When we allow ourselves to just FEEL the feelings........we come out on the other end feeling SO MUCH BETTER. Running from feelings or trying to pretend they don't exist will only get you so far. THEY WILL EVENTUALLY CATCH UP TO YOU. They always do. And when they arrive.....they won't give a shit about whether or not you are ready for them. They are READY FOR YOU.......to feel, grieve, cry, process, and move forward.

Feelings aren't here to ruin our lives. They aren't here to keep us living in the past.....or remind us of what was/wasn't/isn't/won't ever be. They are here to TEACH us.......about ourselves. About how truly strong and capable we are. Show us we are human. Make us realize we aren't perfect.......and get us to realize that it is OK to not be perfect.

We aren't fucking machines. We just aren't. We can't be perfect and put together all the time. There is no such thing as A-Game 24/7. It's just not reality. We have to understand and ACCEPT that it is ok to feel. To be angry. To cry. We should never be ashamed of our feelings. We should never compare our feelings or how we process/deal with them to another person. Each of us are unique and beautiful creatures....who deal with feelings in our own way......and in our own time.

Next time feelings come knocking (because we ALL know they will), let them in. Allow them to shape you and change your perspective. Allow them to ALLOW YOURSELF TO LOVE YOURSELF A LITTLE MORE. It's necessary......and oh so important. Because you......you my dear are oh so important. 

"Don't apologize for feeling something" - Unknown

The Necessary One

I know you’re all expecting the chisme or the badmouth.....but what good does it do to badmouth the one you once loved?

To you. I wish you well. And that’s all I have to say about that.

This one isn’t even about you (as much as I know you’re hoping it is). It’s about getting back to me.

I lost myself somewhere between trying to find myself and trying to keep something alive that had run its course a long time before it actually ended. I spent a very long time trying to love someone who truly doesn’t love themselves......and let me tell you...that is a very draining and ultimately impossible task.

Oddly enough, I don’t regret a single second. I’m not sad I tried as long as I did. I’d be lying to myself if I tried to be anyone else other than who I am.....a caring person who loves the SHIT out of her circle....and her life. Giving it any less than 100% from beginning to end would have been a disservice to myself....and I wouldn’t be able to look at myself in the mirror if I knew I gave any less than my whole heart......the whole time. Even if I knew I was setting myself up for the ultimate demise.

After bawling my eyes out to my therapist, venting about how angry, robbed and utterly heartbroken I felt, she asked me to sit and tell her all of the things I learned about myself in this relationship that made me happy.

I’ve discovered I’m a bad ass woman. Like not even trying to toot my own horn (beep FUCKING beep), but like I really am. I’ve been through some shit in my life....and somehow I’ve managed to come out on the other side. Smiling. Scarred but strong. Feeling blessed and better than when I started. And this situation was no different.

I can be accountable. Dependable. I can handle myself and another....and hold shit down if need be. I can be a loving partner. The one that will stand by you, no matter what, because they love you. Supportive.....here to back you while you chase your dreams. Honest to a fault....even if what I’m saying hurts but is necessary. Compassionate. Understanding. Willing to compromise. Able to accept when I’m wrong (even if it takes me a fucking minute to get there....I’ll get there). Always growing, evolving, and developing.

I am CONFIDENT (this one is the MOST important thing I learned about myself). Confident enough in what I have to offer a partner.....and knowing it’s OK to be "selfish" and walk away if someone is not willing to give you 100% of what you give them.

You should NEVER feel bad for putting your happiness and well being first. NEVER NEVER NEVER. If someone in your life isn't give you in return what you are giving to them.....reassess that situation ASAP. I repeat. It is OK to be selfish and WALK AWAY if someone is not willing to give you 100% of what you give them. Period.

The purpose of this relationship was to have the mirror held up...to see myself for all that I am....and to learn that I am ENOUGH. Faults and all (I’ve always felt insecure or “less than” because I feel I come with baggage). It’s terrible to feel that certain medical conditions I have are “baggage”, but that’s the reality of my feelings. I’ve learned that this idea I’ve been carrying around for so long is crazy......as my “baggage” isn’t even baggage....and plays no part in who I am or what is inside of my heart. At the end of the day my heart is pure and kind....and my love is genuine.

I DESERVE the 100% I put in given back in return....and if I'm not getting it, I'm moving on. 

That.......that sentence right there......that has been the most amazing thing I’ve taken from this journey.

God ultimately has the biggest and BEST plan for each of us. We just have to maneuver through everything he puts in our way.....each struggle or barrier being an important life lesson. A special lesson catered just for us......to mold us and prepare us for the ultimate plan he has in store.

Despite the heartbreak.....I don’t regret a single second of my vulnerability and rawness. Because I love myself THAT much more now.

Never give up hope. Never give up on the idea that your “ultimate” will come. It just hasn’t happened yet because God knows it’s not YOUR time. He’s not done preparing you. When it is your time you will be strong. You will be open. You will be READY. And it will be the BEST fucking moment of your life......because that moment will be YOUR opportunity. That moment will be the beginning of YOUR ultimate plan.

“The secret of success is to be ready when your opportunity comes” -Benjamin Disraeli