Hitting that pause button.

"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while you could miss it"

-Ferris Bueller

That quote to me is so iconic. Not only is it from one of the greatest movies ever (in my opinion of course), but it is so meaningful. 

Life moves a mile a minute. I can't even deal with the fact that July is already over (legit where did this month go). Every single day seems to blur together with the routine of living. Wake up - Go to work - Come home and make dinner - Catch up on some tivo - Bed. That has seriously become my life. I am so caught up with working, making money, general life stressors that every single day become monotonous. Routine. Predictable. 

I think we as a people are so accustomed to living life......like just to live it. We worry about bills, family, friends, work, finances, love, relationships, just getting through the fucking day honestly. Each day we wake up and are already thinking about what we need to do the next week. We aren't even living for today anymore. When I make plans with my friends I literally have to schedule it out a month in advance because that is "just how crazy busy my life is". I don't know about you but the thought of living to just get through another day is killer sometimes.

Whatever happened to hitting the pause button? Why don't we take more time out of our hectic day to day to just ENJOY. Enjoy life. Each other. OURSELVES. It makes me sad when I go out to eat and see couples sitting across from each other at dinner both on their cell phones. Why?! Why why WHY? Can't it wait? Can't life just wait anymore?

This blog was inspired by a recent visit with my therapist (if you don't have one you should get one. EVERYONE in my opinion should have a therapist. They are amazing). I was venting about how frustrating my life is right now with the MILLIONS of things I have on my plate and she just sat back and asked me:

"When is it ok for you to hit your PAUSE button?"

I looked at her and laughed because for a second I had no idea what she was talking about. What the fuck is a "pause" button? I haven't hit pause on my life since like 1999. Who would have thought right? Hit pause. Stop life around you and just LIVE in a moment. Take some time out from your day to day.......your monotonous. Slow down. Step AWAY from stressors. And just breathe. Make time for one another. Make time for YOURSELF.

Life becomes so routine. Everything just gets stuffed together. So mundane. So predictable. We become so polarized. Fixated on everything that lies ahead of us that we can't even focus on what is in front of us in that moment. I am sorry to say that I am so guilty of this. I focus on everything I have on my plate for the week to come that I take advantage of the wonderful man I get to come home to and break bread with every night. I mean yeah, I'm here eating dinner, chatting, an watching tv.....but am I really there? When was the last time you were REALLY there? I mean truly there? When is it ok to take time out? When is it OK to hit the pause button on life? And just live?

What I learned from today's session with my therapist is that it is OK to hit the pause button. Make time. Let everything else wait. Bills will still be bills. Obligations will STILL be obligations. Life will still be there. Stress will still be fucking stress. Everything will still be there after you resume. After you take that break.......enjoy that pause......live in the NOW......everything will still be waiting.

Why are we as a culture so scared to hit pause? Are we afraid life will just keep moving without us? Are we stressed we will fall behind? Are we so desperate to get to the next step that we miss out on enjoying the right now? Either way........it's important to find time. To ENJOY life. In this moment. Right fucking now. Like Bueller said.....if we don't stop and look around once in a while we could miss it.

So I say fuck it. PAUSE FOR A SECOND. Take the moment to just enjoy life and everything you have in front of you. I know life is bananas and we all have a million things to do....and just the thought of taking a second away is crazy......but it isn't. In the bigger scheme of things......at the end of the day.....the bills, stress, headaches, heartaches, struggles, sacrifices....they just won't matter. You won't even remember them. They will be fleeting seconds of your life. What matters are those moments. The ones you cherish. The moment you laughed until you cried with your best friend. The moment you sang Dashboard Confesssional at the top of your lungs...never feeling more connected to a song ever. The times you cried with your family. Those moments matter. Those moments exist. We just have to hit the PAUSE button to really feel them and enjoy them. Live in them. Be part of them. 

So go on. Hit your pause button. Let me know how that pause worked out for you.

"No matter how much time passes....no matter what takes place in the interim...there are some things we can never assign to oblivion, memories we can never rub away" - Haruki Murakami

Reliving the Past / Going Back

So I've been a bit of a busy bee lately.

Life has taken over and I have been busier than ever with work, social life, writing my book. I've officially started writing my book which has proven to be the most traumatic and therapeutic time of my life. Traumatic in the sense of reliving everything from my past I have tried so hard to keep in the past, and both therapeutic in the sense that I am able to fully process everything I have tried to forget about.

Whoever said reliving your past or going back to a time in your life is an easy feat lied. This has by far been the most difficult time of my life. Remembering in detail moments of my life I have tried to push past has proven to be more difficult than living through those experiences in that moment of time. There have been countless times I have found myself wiping tears off my laptop keyboard, secretly hoping I have short circuited something so it gives me an excuse to not write anymore. This process has been more difficult than anything I have ever experienced in my life.....yet I find myself continuing to push through the pain because I know at the end of the day my story deserves to be told. People deserve to know the truth behind living with mental illness. People like me need to know there is light at the end of the tunnel. These reasons are my reason for continuing to push forward. Continuing to fight. Continuing to struggle, get up, dust myself off, and keep writing.

This blog has been the most therapeutic thing for my recovery. Going back to my past experiences, sharing my thoughts, dreams, concerns.....all of it....has helped change me. Shape me into the woman I have become. As difficult as it is to go back, I kind of feel like we all need it. We all need to go back and remember our struggles. Sometimes in life you just need to look back and remember, not only to see how far you have come, but to know how strong you really are for what lies ahead. Experiences, big or small, shape us. They turn us into stronger people. More knowledgeable. More courageous. Wiser. We can take from each experience, good or bad. Traumatic or memorable. Loving or painful.....and shape ourselves. Transform ourselves into better versions of who we once were.

I can't sit here and claim my life has been easy. It hasn't. There are specific moments I find myself reminiscing on where I know I almost gave up the fight. I sat there and thought to myself maybe it would be easier in that moment to just give up. Call it a day and walk away. Days where I felt the pain was so high, my threshold had been hit and I just couldn't take anymore......but then I think of the unknown. The parts of my life I have yet to experience. The promise of something more....something greater......something happier......and I just. keep. pushing.

These are the moments that have helped make me who I am at this moment. Those moments where I almost gave up.......those moments where I was pushed beyond my breaking point.....those moments where I mustered up the courage to just. keep. pushing. These are the moments I look back on and smile about. And when I look back and smile, everything I was feeling at that time.....all the anguish and despair.....have been replaced with strength and admiration. Admiration for the woman I have fought to become. The woman who sits here now, writing a book about the biggest struggle of her entire life.....and does it all with a smile.....and some tears.

Never look back on your life with regret or sadness. Don't not look back either. Don't be afraid of your past and the pain you have endured. You are still here. Living. Breathing. Smiling. Loving. Laughing. And you are stronger now. Stronger than you were at that moment that at the time seemed so monumental.....and now seems like a distant memory.

I can't say that looking back is easy, because it fucking isn't. It's rough. But knowing how far I have come and how hard I have fought to get here gives me a sense of pride. Never be afraid to look back on painful moments of your life. There are tiny moments hidden in those memories that have shaped you into the person you are. From grief there is growth. From pain there is prosperity. From struggle there lies strength.

I'm determined to finish this book. I have already signed off to the idea that this is a therapeutic process I just have to go to. This is the time of my life where from pain and heartache comes a piece of art that will forever be mine. My story. My struggle. My "rise from the ashes". A part of me that will be shared with the world....in hopes that someone connects with my story. Its coming along slowly but surely. I don't want to rush this process because between you and I (and the internet since this blog is public), I'm enjoying this therapeutic process. I enjoy ugly Kim Kardashian crying over my laptop while writing.....because I know even this process is changing me for the better.

In due time this book will be done.......and when it is I will be happier and more proud than ever that I decided to fight forward and relive the moments of my past that have helped shape the woman I am today.

"Fear keeps us focused on the past or worried about the future. If we can acknowledge our fear, we can realize that right now we are ok. Right now, today, we are still alive, and our bodies are working marvelously. Our eyes can still see the beautiful sky." - Thich Nhat Hanh