Reliving the Past / Going Back

So I've been a bit of a busy bee lately.

Life has taken over and I have been busier than ever with work, social life, writing my book. I've officially started writing my book which has proven to be the most traumatic and therapeutic time of my life. Traumatic in the sense of reliving everything from my past I have tried so hard to keep in the past, and both therapeutic in the sense that I am able to fully process everything I have tried to forget about.

Whoever said reliving your past or going back to a time in your life is an easy feat lied. This has by far been the most difficult time of my life. Remembering in detail moments of my life I have tried to push past has proven to be more difficult than living through those experiences in that moment of time. There have been countless times I have found myself wiping tears off my laptop keyboard, secretly hoping I have short circuited something so it gives me an excuse to not write anymore. This process has been more difficult than anything I have ever experienced in my life.....yet I find myself continuing to push through the pain because I know at the end of the day my story deserves to be told. People deserve to know the truth behind living with mental illness. People like me need to know there is light at the end of the tunnel. These reasons are my reason for continuing to push forward. Continuing to fight. Continuing to struggle, get up, dust myself off, and keep writing.

This blog has been the most therapeutic thing for my recovery. Going back to my past experiences, sharing my thoughts, dreams, concerns.....all of it....has helped change me. Shape me into the woman I have become. As difficult as it is to go back, I kind of feel like we all need it. We all need to go back and remember our struggles. Sometimes in life you just need to look back and remember, not only to see how far you have come, but to know how strong you really are for what lies ahead. Experiences, big or small, shape us. They turn us into stronger people. More knowledgeable. More courageous. Wiser. We can take from each experience, good or bad. Traumatic or memorable. Loving or painful.....and shape ourselves. Transform ourselves into better versions of who we once were.

I can't sit here and claim my life has been easy. It hasn't. There are specific moments I find myself reminiscing on where I know I almost gave up the fight. I sat there and thought to myself maybe it would be easier in that moment to just give up. Call it a day and walk away. Days where I felt the pain was so high, my threshold had been hit and I just couldn't take anymore......but then I think of the unknown. The parts of my life I have yet to experience. The promise of something more....something greater......something happier......and I just. keep. pushing.

These are the moments that have helped make me who I am at this moment. Those moments where I almost gave up.......those moments where I was pushed beyond my breaking point.....those moments where I mustered up the courage to just. keep. pushing. These are the moments I look back on and smile about. And when I look back and smile, everything I was feeling at that time.....all the anguish and despair.....have been replaced with strength and admiration. Admiration for the woman I have fought to become. The woman who sits here now, writing a book about the biggest struggle of her entire life.....and does it all with a smile.....and some tears.

Never look back on your life with regret or sadness. Don't not look back either. Don't be afraid of your past and the pain you have endured. You are still here. Living. Breathing. Smiling. Loving. Laughing. And you are stronger now. Stronger than you were at that moment that at the time seemed so monumental.....and now seems like a distant memory.

I can't say that looking back is easy, because it fucking isn't. It's rough. But knowing how far I have come and how hard I have fought to get here gives me a sense of pride. Never be afraid to look back on painful moments of your life. There are tiny moments hidden in those memories that have shaped you into the person you are. From grief there is growth. From pain there is prosperity. From struggle there lies strength.

I'm determined to finish this book. I have already signed off to the idea that this is a therapeutic process I just have to go to. This is the time of my life where from pain and heartache comes a piece of art that will forever be mine. My story. My struggle. My "rise from the ashes". A part of me that will be shared with the world....in hopes that someone connects with my story. Its coming along slowly but surely. I don't want to rush this process because between you and I (and the internet since this blog is public), I'm enjoying this therapeutic process. I enjoy ugly Kim Kardashian crying over my laptop while writing.....because I know even this process is changing me for the better.

In due time this book will be done.......and when it is I will be happier and more proud than ever that I decided to fight forward and relive the moments of my past that have helped shape the woman I am today.

"Fear keeps us focused on the past or worried about the future. If we can acknowledge our fear, we can realize that right now we are ok. Right now, today, we are still alive, and our bodies are working marvelously. Our eyes can still see the beautiful sky." - Thich Nhat Hanh