Sorry I'm NOT Sorry.

They always say growth isn't comfortable. Maturing isn't easy. Unlearning patterns of behavior and thought processes that provide comfort in the chaos isn't for the faint of heart. Awakening the power within you doesn't come without a price. That price is your old self. This year has without a doubt been full of the lowest of lows and the highest of highs. Pure bliss.....and utter heartbreak.  I was gutted this year. Stripped of everything. I reached a place where I didn't even recognize myself. No joy, desire, excitement. Everything felt like the slowest walk through the deepest fog. Yet at the same time everything felt like my first time beating Super Mario Bros........total ecstasy.  I've spent a long time living in a negative space. In my own head.....angry, bitter, resentful, sad. Alone. Often times afraid of my own darkness. Being accountable and realizing you've reached a new depth of darkness is difficult. I try so hard to keep everything together. T...

11/3/21 I'll be logging my mood every few days....and maybe....just maybe.....one day I'll get the courage to post this because I feel people should know what depression is. What it looks like. How it masquerades around as something else. Well for me anyway. This is just my experience. Maybe some of you will relate....maybe some of you will read this and see things from a different perspective. Who fucking knows. All I know is writing is my safe space. So here we are. We are always so shocked when we hear someone has committed suicide. Like how? What would bring them to that point?  FUCKING DEPRESSION BRO. The depression talks.......and its comments are deafening. It makes you believe things that aren't real........like this "feeling" is permanent. This will NEVER get better. There is NO hope. And coming from someone who is trying SO fucking hard to fight against that voice......I can completely understand why someone would do it. Because it's the only way to ...

They always say there are three sides to every story: yours, mine, and the truth. Well that also pertains to life as well. There is ALWAYS what we choose to share, what we choose to leave out, and what we are ACTUALLY dealing with/processing/struggling with.  It’s weird to say I’m a private person, or I don’t like putting my life on display, when I have a blog where I share VERY private and personal parts of myself……but this blog doesn’t give you access to all of me. My personal demons. My daily struggles. My heartbreak. My pain. This blog gives you access to what I ALLOW you to have access to….just like social media.  There are so many daily struggles we all have….myself included. Sometimes my physical pain is so bad, I physically cannot get out of bed. Sometimes my depression is so bad, I don’t want to get out of bed. Life can honestly feel like a constant struggle. There have been countless times I have found myself asking God why? Why me?  I post photos laughing with ...

It's crazy how much can change in ten years. I'm a completely different person than I was ten years ago......mainly because I work at being a better version of myself every single day. I feel beyond blessed to be here.....ten years later....stronger and healthier than ever. I made a commitment to myself ten years ago to work harder....to put forth the effort...to place my mental health before all else......and it fucking paid off. I fucking made it. Ten years ago I was released from a county facility. My third hospitalization in four years. I was nowhere near healthy enough to be released....but the county really doesn't give a fuck about that. They just want to get you " well enough " to release you and clear a bed for another person. Being in the county was by far the WORST experience of my life. The people, the facility, everything about it was horrible. It was the longest stay of them all.......and I wasn't even done yet. After leaving the county I was ...

So I was finally released from the hospital on Thursday. Being in the hospital for 6 days was the most taxing experience of my life. The surgery itself went very well. The DR (which is the most amazing doctor on earth) did an amazing job. She really focused on my problem areas without removing an excessive amount of skin. The wounds are left open, meant to heal from the inside out. Once fully healed, it will be scarred skin, but the HS will not come back into those areas any longer!!!!!!!! The areas I had done were the biggest problem areas for me....that being the groin, thigh, and buttocks area. As you can imagine these areas are sensitive AF, and not easy to deal with post-op for a variety of reasons (think pee/poop). Friday and Saturday were ok. Painful as fuck, but I was managing with the help of Norco (which eventually got bumped up to Percocet because......well duh). Sunday was by far the WORST day of my life. When I went to use the restroom, I sat down on the toilet as ...

So I'm currently sitting in my bed at the hospital. It's day 5 post-op. It's so crazy to sit here knowing everything that has gone on in the last 5 days. I mean I did like almost die Sunday (not even joking in the slightest). But I guess an explanation is owed as to how I got here. What exactly brought me to the hospital bed. Hidradenitis Suppurativa. When I was about 15, I noticed these small bumps under my armpits. No idea what they were, I did what any rational being would do....I picked at them. Eventually the bumps grew larger and larger. At one point I remember one bursting and puss coming out. Disgusting right? Well of course I decided in that moment to keep this weird little "issue" of mine a secret. It was embarrassing to look at. I would wear long sleeve shirts so no one would see these bumps forming. As the bumps began to grow in size and number, I started to get worried. I remember going to my PTP and she said it was "body acne". I reme...