Depression. A collection of entries.

11/3/21

I'll be logging my mood every few days....and maybe....just maybe.....one day I'll get the courage to post this because I feel people should know what depression is. What it looks like. How it masquerades around as something else. Well for me anyway. This is just my experience. Maybe some of you will relate....maybe some of you will read this and see things from a different perspective. Who fucking knows. All I know is writing is my safe space. So here we are.

We are always so shocked when we hear someone has committed suicide. Like how? What would bring them to that point?  FUCKING DEPRESSION BRO. The depression talks.......and its comments are deafening. It makes you believe things that aren't real........like this "feeling" is permanent. This will NEVER get better. There is NO hope. And coming from someone who is trying SO fucking hard to fight against that voice......I can completely understand why someone would do it. Because it's the only way to silence it. It seems like the only way to get peace.

I have no idea what depression is. I mean I've always known that to some degree I've been functionally depressed........for as long as I remember. I remember journaling in high school.....deep and dark shit. Yet I always chalked it up to emo teen angst and called it a day. But looking back......I think there has always been a dark cloud of depression that has followed me around. Something I've attempted to suppress for years. 

---Someone this happy would never be depressed.

---What could there be to be depressed about? Your life is so great.

---You're so blessed....you have everything going for you. How could you possibly be depressed?

Well here I am. In the middle of quite possibly the most severe depressive episode I've ever experienced. Life is always greener on the other side right? Isn't that what we do? Look at the perfectly curated Instagram pages of people we know and think WOW. How lucky they are. Well let me tell you. Social Media is the biggest lie we feed ourselves. 

I feel broken. Empty. Hollow. I don't even feel like myself anymore. I don't even really recognize myself anymore because I find happiness and solace in nothing. Nothing brings me joy. Most smiles aren't even genuine anymore because I'm just so fucking miserable.

I force myself to get up and take my meds. Oh yeah, I'm on an antidepressant now. Something I've never needed before. Maybe I should have been taking it all along? Why doesn't it help me feel better? Like I know the doctor said a couple weeks.......but like honestly. I'm MAD fucking depressed right now. I can't wait two fucking weeks or more. Who the hell created these anyway? Isn't the point of an antidepressant to help kick you out of the massive black hole you find yourself in?! How is it that it could take that long to work? Fucking dumb. Sorry for the rant......but I'm just fucking scattered right now.

Either way. I'm here. I'm BARELY fucking getting by. I'm holding onto whatever shred of hope I have left because I know that I truly love my life. I know how much I love my family and friends.....and laughter. It's what pushes me to get out of bed every single day......take the meds...shower.....get dressed.....go to work. I. HAVE. TO KEEP. PUSHING. Because no matter how shitty life can be........I fucking LOVE my life. I just don't fucking love my brain chemistry right now.

I've been in therapy twice a week now. My therapist says he's proud of me every time I choose to answer his calls for our sessions. Reminds me that bipolar depression ISN'T permanent. This is temporary. And while right now it seems as though the existential dread is all that surrounds me......I'll get out of this fog. He says a Bipolar depressive episode lasts 2-4 weeks. TWO TO FOUR fucking weeks? Of this? Of this emptiness? Of constantly crying? Of finding zero joy in life? Like how? I know I'm going to keep pushing......but fuck man. I need a shift to come soon. How is one expected to just RIDE OUT a depressive episode? Really? Cool Cool. Maybe tomorrow will be a better one.

11/7/21

It's weird how depression is constant, fleeting, and overwhelming all at the same time. I have been trying to spend more time lately with my family in hopes it will help me shake this feeling. It sucks because in that moment of time I'm so happy, but at the same time all I can think about is how I know this isn't going to last. Like I know I'm having a nice time, but once they leave and I'm back alone with myself and my thoughts......it's just loneliness and darkness.

I changed my lock screen on my phone yesterday. It says "this is temporary". I'm trying to keep it as a constant reminder that in spite of how low I feel now....it's temporary. It doesn't fucking feel temporary. I think I've cried more in the last few weeks than I have in god knows how long. 

My dad came to visit me today. He knows I'm struggling really bad and need the company, love, and support more than ever. He asked me "what brings you joy"......and I didn't have an answer. I just burst into tears. The rational part of my brain knows the answer is my family and friends....being with the people I love.....yet right now, in this moment, nothing. Nothing brings me joy. I mean being with people brings me immense joy, yet once I'm back alone, the depression is overpowering. 

My therapist said Bipolar Depressive episodes last 2-4 weeks. I started my antidepressant on the 28th of October (I'm using this as my starting point since obviously I know I was depressed long before that....but it hit a severely low point at this time). That makes this week 2. Riding this wave has honestly been the worst experience of my life.......and to know that this is my life (the cycles of Bipolar), kinda sucks BUTTTTTT........I must say, I'm really fucking proud of myself. For allowing myself to be raw and real. For recognizing the feelings I've been experiencing and knowing something is off. Like me 15 years ago (when I was diagnosed) would have handled this SO differently......mainly because I didn't fully know myself then....and I sure as fuck wasn't comfortable talking about mental health or the struggles that come with it.

So week 2. It fucking sucks. I really just want to feel like myself again. But I'm not giving up. I'm not giving in. I'm going to keep pushing until I'm on the other side of this hump.

This is temporary. This is temporary. This is temporary.

I mean if you say Beetlejuice three times he appears.........so maybe if I keep saying it this never-ending despair will disappear? One can hope.

11/9/21

Met with my psychiatrist today. She said in the 15 years she has been my doctor she has never seen me this bad....and while that sucked to hear......she did compliment my appearance so that made me feel like my life hasn't gone to complete and utter shit. Hooray!

We are increasing my lithium level......in addition to the antidepressant. The hope is the extra boost will help get me out of this depression. She said it could take roughly 2 weeks for it to really start working. FUCKING GREAT. So you're telling me this antidepressant (which isn't doing shit....so there's that) is going to take a while for me to feel shit......and now this lithium increase isn't going to do shit for TWO FUCKING WEEKS???? Get the fuck out of here bro. How is it 2021 and it takes this long for your body to react to something? LIKE HOW? One would think something like an antidepressant (which obviously you're being prescribed because you need to get the fuck out of your depression) would work instantly. How is it a percocet could knock me the fuck out within an hour.....yet an antidepressant could take anywhere from 2-4 weeks to feel.......I'm lost.

Clearly I've reached the level of insane frustration. I'm frustrated because I don't feel better. Frustrated because "fake it til you make it" is fucking exhausting and I'm over it. I can't keep crying in public places because people keep looking at me strangely. I'm frustrated because I have nothing to blame this depression on. I'M. JUST. FUCKING. TIRED. Like that's it. I'm fucking tired.

I know this diagnosis isn't something I asked for.....and sure as fuck isn't what I signed up for. But fuck man. I've spent 11 years now thinking I had found the sweet spot of bipolar.....learned how to deal with the ebb and flow of it.....and it's like nope. Fuck you. Here's a giant fucking curve ball. Oh and by the way, the curve ball isn't pleasant and the idea of killing yourself will cross your mind often. Cooool.

Obviously I'm SO FAR from who I was at 19. Fresh into this diagnosis. I've learned and grown so much.....and I honestly thought I had the answers to dealing and coping with Bipolar....yet as I sit here, bawling, on the eve of my fucking birthday....I realize you can never think you know it all. Life always has so much more to teach us.

I keep telling myself God made this happen for a reason. He's thrown the extreme highs at me and I had to learn how to live life differently so that the mania wouldn't control me.....and I've been so successful. Hospitalization free for 11 fucking years (damn proud). And maybe I've never experienced such a fucking low because I wasn't mentally and emotionally ready to deal with it and maneuver through it. Honestly I'm grasping for straws of positivity at this point. Anything that keeps me focused on the end goal, which is making it out on the other fucking side. I just feel that dealing with this level of severe depression at any other point in my life could have, and possibly would have ended much differently for me. 

So for now, I have no answers. I have no fucking clue when I'll be feeling better and like myself again......but what I do know is that I fucking love my life, the people in it, and the amazing blessings that surround me. I'm just gonna focus on that and hold out hope that one day soon I'll wake up and actually recognize the person staring back at me in the mirror. I fucking miss me. But maybe I need this.....not only to realize how strong I am....but to realize there are still so many valuable lessons to learn and life tools to collect.

This is temporary. This is temporary. This is temporary.

Tomorrow is just one day closer to the end of this fucking nightmare tunnel I'm navigating through. 

Tomorrow is a better day.

11/12/21

I celebrated my birthday two days ago. It was the first time in my life that I wasn't excited about celebrating my special day. I woke up crying. There was just zero part of me that wanted to get out of bed and deal with my day. This depression has been so gnarly, and so many people have no clue that I'm knee deep in this depression. I really didn't want to interact with others. I almost didn't get out of bed or leave my house......but I figured instead of making any decisions about the day, I would take it one moment at a time. I got up, took my meds, and showered. I figured since I was up I should just go to work and try to make the most of my day. Not gonna lie, I cried the whole way to work. 

The day was full of happiness, surprises, laughs, and tears. I can't lie and say that I was completely happy....I wasn't. I was so grateful for my family and friends that made me feel so loved and special.....but I wasn't able to shake the underlying cloud of darkness and sadness. It's SO fucking weird to feel happy and miserable at the same time. 

I was happy to not be alone....and in spite of the fact that I was down, I was SO happy that I made the decision to push forward. I was happy I made the choice to say no......I'm not going to stay in bed. I'm not going to spend this day alone. I'm not going to let my depression get the best of me. So glad I didn't. I needed the hugs and the love. 

The last couple of days have just been flat. Not as bad as the past few weeks have been, but not at my baseline. I'm hoping this is a good sign......I'm hoping this is the promise of better days ahead. Maybe my therapist was right. Maybe I'm entering the last leg. Maybe I'm getting out of the thick of it, but I'm not quite there yet. 

I'm tired. Like I feel emotionally exhausted. I don't even want to listen to remotely emotional music because I'm afraid it's going to throw me further into my emo Drake feels.

I'm staying in tonight. Just want to relax, rest, and end the night on a quiet note. Hoping that tomorrow will be better than today was. 

This is temporary.

11/14/21

Last night was the BEST night. I spent it surrounded by family. Every single person there.......was there to spend their night with me. And the warmth it brought to my heart is something I can't explain.

SO many people there had no idea. NO fucking clue that I've been trapped in this sadness and depression....but you know what the craziest part was? For the first time since this whole thing started......I felt happiness and joy. 

If my dad would have asked me in that moment "what brings you joy"...my answer would have been this. This night. These hugs. Belly laughs. Being surrounded by people who genuinely love the shit out of me.

That is what brought me joy.

Seeing the love and effort my family put into making my night so special. Down to the very last detail, not one T was left uncrossed. It was perfection.

It was what I needed.

Blessed. That's it. Tonight I felt blessed.

Every single day I get to wake up, even if I'm not in the best of moods, even if I'm stressed or down or whatever...........every single day is a blessing. And God straight super blessed my life because I get to share it with the dopest souls my heart has ever met.

This is temporary. This is temporary. This is temporary. 

11/19/21

The irritability and agitation I felt while taking the antidepressant has subsided (thank FUCKING God).

Today is a good day to have a good day.

I feel it. The end is near.

11/20/21

"You look like yourself today....and that makes me so happy" ---my sister said that to me today at lunch. It took everything in me to not breakdown at that table. It's been 30 days since I felt like myself (had to go back into my therapy notes to count that out). 25 days since I started the antidepressant. And 4 days off of it. 

This depression rocked my fucking existence in every way possible. It was the lowest of the low. Suicide crossed my mind several times.....but like I said, I could and would never. The thought of just not feeling the utter low I was drowning in made me feel something. At that point I just wanted to feel anything. 

I cried pretty much every single day. Every morning I woke up and just felt dread. Nothing brought joy. I literally just didn't feel anymore. I'm not going to lie......I feel so very blessed that this severe depression decided to surface at this stage of my life. I'm not quite sure I would have been able to make it to the other side had this been 10 years ago. I'm grateful for the knowledge I've gained throughout the years......the understanding and acceptance of myself. For me, no one else. The growth brought me to a place in life where I could see the changes. I was able to work through them better. I've gotta say, accountability is everything in this life. When you can look at yourself......like actually look at yourself and know this is something bigger than you, and you need to reach out for help, that's full fucking circle. I felt some shit shifting....so I reached out to my family. Then my doctor. Upped my therapy to twice a week. I just didn't want to fall further into the quicksand.

It's wild that my therapist said this episode could last 2-4 weeks. He wasn't fucking kidding. 

I feel so removed from the beginning of this post. It's like I'm in a completely different headspace and emotional place.

My therapist kept saying "that's the depression talking. You need to do the opposite". Depression DOES talk.......and I can completely understand how so many people hear nothing else......until they will do anything to just make the noise stop. This episode is the second to ever really alter and shift my thought process on life.

I just want to be happy. I want to spend my time with the people I love.....making memories and laughing until we cry. The way it feels to hug someone.....like really hug them...and have them hug you back is so amazing. When I look back on life I realize how much attention I paid to shit that literally doesn't even matter. So much time wasted on being too concerned about others. The only thing we can do in this life is enjoy the moments we have, and find the joy even in the dark.

So all in all, I'm thankful for this episode. Thankful God chose this test for me. Another opportunity to remind myself just how dedicated I am. Dedicated to always trying to level up, and fall more in love with myself. 

Whenever I would get deeply sad, I'd pull out by basket of cards and notes I've saved over the years. The card is my favorite part of the gift!! Think about it. Someone took their time sifting through cards until they found the PERFECT one. Then took the time out to write you something meaningful and special. A reminder of their love for you. I pull them out and read them when I'm sad. This episode they were HUGE FOR ME......mainly because they allowed me to feel (even for a second) the way I felt the first time I read their sweet card.

That's what kept me going. The absolutely AMAZING and WONDERFUL feelings I get when I'm with the people I love. I knew that no matter how fucking low I felt......nothing was ever going to be worth never experiencing that feeling again soon.

SO cheers to alllll the fucking sensitive feels (I'm in my Swiftie feels tonight so leave me alone). I'm proud of myself for not giving up.....and you know what...you should too. Yeah you. The person reading this. You should be fucking PROUD of yourself. Life can be shit sometimes.....and even on the days you feel you have nothing together....and you feel the most alone......you still keep going. And I fucking love that.

Keep fucking going. 

The end of the tunnel is always closest when it feels the hardest.

"Pause and remember - you WILL make it to the other side of this hardship. One day you will look back with wiser eyes, understanding and gratitude. Hang in there" - Jennifer Young