Purge

2017 has NOT been my year people.

A lot (mostly health shit) has been going on throughout the entire year. Most of which has been exhausting to deal with... emotionally, physically, mentally, monetarily....ALL of it. Just FUCKING exhausting. It honestly felt like I was ALWAYS behind the 8 ball. The second something cleared up or got better....BOOM. Hit with something else. Something worse. More complicated. FAR more annoying **insert MASSIVE eye roll for added affect**

The issues with my health also took a serious toll on my mental health and well being. I spent most of this year crying........depressed....crying....depressed. Being angry at doctors....at God....genetics. I always felt like I was at a loss. Nothing would go right. Everything was overwhelming. At times, I just didn't want to exist because it felt like that would be easier than the never-ending nightmare that had become my life. Now I understand that last sentence is VERY serious....but it is also VERY accurate as to my head space most of the year.

Granted yes, I am BEYOND fortunate that while the conditions I have been diagnosed with are permanent and incurable, they are manageable (with the right combination of treatment, I can still live my daily life). And yes, there are many people out there who have it harder than me.......BUT there are many people out there who have it easier than me.....grass is always greener right? I became SO overwhelmed with my thoughts and feelings. It felt impossible to escape utter sadness and despair. Most of the year I spent mentally checked out...unable to fully be "present" in anything because I couldn't focus on anything else besides how utterly miserable I was inside. And sure ----check my Instagram. Peep my Snapchat. Take a glance at my Facebook. Spot a depressed girl? I doubt it. I've become a master of disguise. But then again.....aren't we all in some way/shape/form?

Most of you who know me know DAMN WELL that when I drive I am either mobbin' out to some serious gangsta rap (because duh), busting some serious dance moves, or belting out the adele-feel jams.....but when I am depressed and really in my own head, I drive in silence. I need the silence to sort through my thoughts and feelings.

The other night I was driving home in silence......thinking about how insanely fast this year flew by.....but also realizing how depressed I truly was most of this year. I started to think back on each month...........and discovered that some if not most of each month...I spent depressed. Upset with my situations. Mad about the shitty cards I had been dealt. Frustrated that things just appeared to continuously become more difficult for me. Seriously legit wallowing in "poor fucking me" land. Then I just became mad. Like beyond enraged.....with myself.

I know in life we cannot control what happens sometimes. We can't predict everything. Plan or prepare for everything. Sometimes shitty things just happen to good people and we don't know why....but what I do know is we control what we carry with us in our mind and heart. We make the conscious decision to carry and harbor energy (negative and positive).

I'm not sure why...but I got the sudden urge to purge. Clothes, shoes, handbags, people. Negative vibes, thoughts, energy. All of it. I started getting rid of shit like a mad lady. Removing the clutter. The toxicity. The fake ass fair-weather friends. EVERYTHING. Goodbye Fucking Felicia. I felt like I needed to just PURGE MY LIFE. I think I just felt so overwhelmed by everything this entire year that I just woke up and realized I've crowded my own damn life with bullshit and it was TIME TO GO. The last thing I did for my purge-fest was write. I sat with my thoughts and just wrote for what felt like an eternity. Everything I was thinking and feeling about this entire year. I just put pen to paper and went bananas. Before I knew it, I was like 13 pages deep and had ugly Kim Kardashian cried so hard my eyes were practically swollen shut.  Once I was done......I sat with it for a minute......then set that shit on fire. I burned EVERY single negative thought. Emotion. Heartbreak. Disappointment. Feeling. All of 2017. Burned that shit right up. Sitting there and watching that shit burn to the ground felt FUCKING AMAZINGGGGGG. It was like an insane weight was lifted off my shoulders.....and more importantly my heart.

It was then that I realized I needed to do shit differently in the new year. New Year. New fucking me. New way of dealing with shit. I have decided 2018 is going to be MY BEST FUCKING YEAR. I'm going to make DAMN sure that it is. Lots of laughter. Love. Self-care. Less depression. Less dwelling. Less sadness.

A new year is coming people!!!!! Take some time to sit and PURGE IT OUT!!!! It could be a physical purge, mental purge, emotional purge.....all of the above. Just purge that shit out!!!! Throw away the clutter. Clutter being anything/anyone/any thought or feeling taking up space in your head and heart that just shouldn't anymore. Enter 2018 with a positive and clean slate/head space....ready to tackle everything like a damn badass. Don't carry the past and the negativity into the new year with you. Leave that shit behind and make way for a new year full of positivity and light. I SWEAR to you......once you purge it out you will feel so much better. Get rid of the clutter from your mind.....and your heart. I promise you won't regret it.

"Clutter is not just physical stuff. It's old ideas, toxic relationships and thoughts. Clutter is anything that does not support your better self" - Eleanor Brownn