Curve Ball

I've been dealing with a bit of a situation the last year or so. I've noticed over time that my body has stopped reacting to my medication in the way it once was. Over time I have developed severe stomach problems. Nausea, vomiting, other unmentionables. It's gotten to the point where my stomach is so uneasy I'm uncomfortable pretty much all of the time. My water intake has gotten pretty insane. I'm averaging 4-5 gallons of water....a day. I'm not even joking about this fact. I feel like my insides are on fire and the only way I can feel comfortable is by drinking water constantly. In addition to the thirst issues, my anxiety has tripled. I get frequent chest pains. It feels like there are literally knots in my chest. My sleep pattern has been ALL over the place. On average, I'm waking up every hour or two. Every night. I've become easily agitated and aggravated. All of these issues have just become progressively worse over the last year.

I know what you're thinking. Why on earth would someone suffer through all of this day in and day out? Let alone for over a year? I'll tell you why. Fear. Fear is the fucking devil. Fear can control you. Your thoughts. Your feelings. Every part of your soul. I've been so afraid to talk to my doctor about all of the issues I've been having out of fear. Fear of going back. Fear of being hospitalized. Just the thought of being hospitalized as a possibility for me is frightening. I think once you experience something as traumatizing as what I've experienced you are permanently scarred. Damaged. Altered.

I don't like talking about my hospitalizations because they are such horrible parts of my past. There was so much going on emotionally. So much hurt. So much loneliness. It is hard to look back on those moments of my life without crying. It was such a disappointing time in my life. There are no good memories. It's all ugly. Overwhelming. So much so that I've been willing to live in constant discomfort because I don't want to rock the boat. I would rather just be permanently uncomfortable than change what is "working". I didn't realize that while yes, the medication was working to keep my moods stable.......it was not working in any other way. In fact, it was becoming more damaging to me internally. My body just stopped reacting to it. My body was actually rejecting the lithium. How is this even possible? After almost 9 years on lithium it suddenly wasn't working. This realization was BEYOND terrifying for me. How could it be that the only thing that has proven to work for me was suddenly fucking up my body? What am I supposed to do now?

After a very serious breakdown with my mom and my better half, I finally agreed to go to my doctor and come clean. Tell her everything that was wrong. This was now affecting every single aspect of my life. It was affecting my mood, my body, my stomach, my relationships, my anxiety, my sleep. Every SINGLE aspect. I had to finally accept that I couldn't allow my fear to control me. I had to realize that my fear of re-hospitalization was actually keeping me imprisoned. I couldn't avoid the inevitable. I needed help. I needed a change. I needed something to happen. And I needed it now.

I met with my doctor and explained all of my symptoms to her. I told her that I couldn't continue trying to avoid the problem. My body just couldn't handle the medication any longer. I was taking 900 mg of lithium twice a day. 1800 mg. Pretty much the highest dose you could take. As beneficial as it has been for me over the years......my body just couldn't support it any longer. No one should have to live in constant pain and anguish. My doctor (the most amazing doctor ever btw) reassured me that I was not alone in my feelings. She explained that this is common among people who take lithium. Over time their body rejects the medication. Now this obviously isn't common for everyone......but it does happen more often than not. We sat and discussed all of my options and found the soundest option for me. After 9 years lithium and I will be parting ways and I will begin transitioning to a new medication. One with less side effects and one that is not as harsh on my body. My doctor reassured me that the transition will be gradual and heavily monitored. She made it her priority to make sure that I would not be hospitalized. She appreciated my fear and said she was actually happy I was so fearful. That shows that I'm actually serious about my recovery and living my life freely and most importantly....healthy. We established my support team and everyone is set on working together to help monitor me during this medication transition. Mainly to make sure that I am doing ok. The problem with being bipolar (at least for me) is that once I am in an episode - mainly manic - I don't see anything wrong. I don't think I have a problem. I think my behavior is acceptable and right.....when it clearly isn't. So in an attempt to make this a smooth transition without a hospitalization I have a team of people looking out for me.....making sure I'm ok.....and watching over me. My mother, father, sister, and my love. The best support team I could ever ask for.

This transition is so terrifying for me. I can't help but think back to the various times I was hospitalized. I get flashbacks. It's emotional for me. It is an ugly and dark time I don't like to think about. But it is part of who I am. These experiences helped shape the person I am today. It was totally unrealistic of me to sit and think I could live in such discomfort. For what? Because I was afraid? Afraid of something that might not even happen? I was so distraught with the thought of a possible hospitalization that I was willing to sacrifice my own happiness and well being. And all because of fear. How is it that a tiny little word could have such a strong hold on me?

Fear is powerful. It can control every part of us. It can rock us down to our inner core. I've decided, with the help of my amazing family and my wonderfully supportive boyfriend, to take control of my life. Continue to take control of my medical condition. To understand and continue to accept that this is lifelong. This is a journey. A commitment. Just like life is full of twists and turns, and nothing in life is concrete.....the same situation applies with being bipolar. Just because a change needs to come doesn't mean the worst. I don't have to assume that the worst (hospitalization) will happen. I just need to learn how to take things in stride and just live each day one day at a time. Even though I've hit a road block doesn't mean things are doomed.

I'm actually quite proud of my journey. I'm proud of myself for making it this far. Learning how to live with and manage my condition. It is a steadfast dedication. I know I am fearful. I know in the back of my mind I am terrified of going back. But I also know that I have to trust in this journey. Trust myself. My doctor, My family. My love. Trust in this whole process. It might not always be easy.......but knowing I am sound and knowing my mind is clear is so amazing. Knowing that I control my bipolar and that it doesn't control me is such an accomplishment.

Fear can be crippling. Never allow your fear to control you. To make your decisions for you. To keep you locked in a corner. Learning and accepting that fear can be as big or as small as you ALLOW it to be. It's about learning to face fear and conquer it instead of allowing it to control you. As far as I'm concerned.....the only thing that controls Jacqueline Castro is Jacqueline Castro herself. So cheers to this transition. Cheers to this new journey in my life. And a big cheers to no longer allowing fear to dictate my life or my decisions.

"I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear" - Nelson Mandela