What if this is where I snap?

So I know I blog alot about my mental health.....in all honesty blogging about it helps keep me in check and allows me to process and heal. Deal with the fact that this is my life. It's never going to get easier or change. I'm sure it seems like I have it all together....I fucking don't. At all. I am just struggling every day to keep the demons at bay and stay healthy....for my partner, my family, friends, and myself.

No, I haven't had any episodes in 5 years. Yes that is an accomplishment and yes I am proud of myself for making it this long without an incident.....but there is no eternal okay-ness. I'm never satisfied. Never am I truly ok or cured. I'm just the average person struggling to make it through another day without snapping at someone.

I still cycle. I have ups and downs. Good days and bad. It never truly gets better.....it just becomes more manageable. I still, after 5 years, struggle riding the waves. I still get terrified. I panic and freak myself out. Am I too sad? Am I too happy? Am I too emotional? Emotionless? It's sad but it's my reality. I literally have to sit and question myself.......and my own happiness. For fear that I'm getting too out there. Too manic. Too abnormal. It's fucking exhausting. Living in a constant worry. Constantly second guessing myself. I overthink and worry like crazy. I don't think there is ever a moment where that isn't on my mind.

Life is crazy. It really is. It is hectic and stressful and anxiety-ridden. I am anxiety-ridden. There are days where I feel like I could tackle anything.....and moments where I feel like I can only handle one thing at a time...if that. Lately my life has been full of stuff. Just a bunch of crap going on. When things get overwhelming or too much I often find myself in my head asking "What if I don't get past this?" or "What if this is where I snap". Both valid concerns. I don't feel normal most of the time. I stress myself out. I get up in my own head. I feel like I'm about to break......

Then I remember.....life gets better. Life gets easier. This isn't the worst. This is merely a bump in the road. My life is a wonderful life. I'm happy. Blessed. Fortunate. Once I start reflecting on all of the good in my life.....my worries about everything else seem to disappear. I have to keep the faith......the faith in myself that everything will be ok. Today isn't the end of the world......it's just one crappy day in the sea of blessed ones.

It's hard when we become so consumed with the bad that we forget the good. We get so stressed about everything in life and we just forget to count the true blessings surrounding us. My last blog I talked about hitting the pause button and taking some time out for ourselves..........but I also want to mention taking some time out to count our blessings. It's easy to get so caught up with life that we forget to count those little blessings........be it your morning starbucks, cute text messages, making it to work on time, whatever.

For me....I get so caught up with my medical condition. ALWAYS stressing about it. Always concerned about it. I know it's good that it consumes me......but sometimes I fear it consumes too much of me. I forget to just breathe and let life happen. I get so nervous about having another episode that I psych myself out. I get up in my head and just linger there. I forget that I'm healthy, I'm on top of my medical condition. I have everything under control.

We can't run around always thinking "WHAT IF". We will spend our entire lives worried about the what if........letting moments pass us by. So what if I can't get everything done in a day? Tomorrow will be there. What if stress happens and something happens to me? I'll take it one step at a time and manage it. I spend WAY too much time in my own head and not enough time in reality......just living.

Can you say the same about yourself? How much time do you spend up in your head......and not in reality? I suggest we spend a little more time living in reality....and a little less time planning for the worst in our heads. We can be our best supporter and motivator and we can also be our worst enemy. Lets spend a little less time with the worst case.......and just enjoy the present. I know it's impossible to stop stressing.....I would be stupid if I thought I could ever just stop stressing about life......but maybe it's time for me to spend a little more time enjoying the moment for what it is right now....and a little less time stressing about something that hasn't even happened yet.

I once had a therapy session where I was stressing about family. Moments that hadn't happened yet. Events with hypothetical people and things that weren't even real. I was stressing myself out beyond belief over a moment in time that hadn't even presented itself yet.....in fact it might never present itself at all....I was just being me and overthinking and over-stressing. I'll never forget what that therapist told me. He looked at me and said:

"So let me get this straight. You're stressing out and freaking yourself out....putting massive anxiety on your plate...over situations and things that haven't even happened yet? Are you listening to yourself. You're literally making yourself sick over something that hasn't even taken place yet. You need to SLOW DOWN and STOP this pattern of thinking Jackie.....or you will always be stuck in the misery of what ifs."

That therapist was so right.....I allow myself to become so consumed with the WHAT IFS.....I don't even take a second out to just be. I am episode free. And I have been for 5 years. Instead of basking in the greatness that is that accomplishment, I am in my own head about the what ifs.

FUCK THE WHAT IFS. Honestly. Lets spend a little less time up in our heads and a little more time embracing the what is.....the right now. Be more in the present. Don't get so caught up for your own good. Whenever I feel myself pressured, to the point where I have a hard time breathing due to my anxiety, I take a step back and think of 5 things I am grateful for in that moment. 5 blessings that allow me to deter my pattern of thinking away from the what ifs and focus on the what is. The right now. If you feel yourself getting carried away......and I KNOW you will, take a step back and focus on 5 little things you are grateful for. Maybe its the starbucks on your desk, the fact that you hit every green light on the way to work, or maybe its something as simple as putting on matching socks that day......be GRATEFUL.

Spending a little less time on the what ifs and a little more time on the what is....the right now....the blessings.....is a life saver. Just remember when life gets overwhelming to take a step back and get out of your own head. It's for your own good. Promise.

"Get out of your head and get into your heart. Think less. FEEL more." - Osho