Lithium is the best in the business in terms of "Mood Stabilization" for people like myself with Bipolar Disorder. It basically keeps both the Mania and the Depression at bay. It also, after extended use time, can cause major problems with your body (much of what was referenced in my post titled 'Curve Ball'). My doctor and I are working hard to find the best combination that will work for me, providing me a better life quality. After all, Bipolar Disorder is life long, so finding the best medication for me is a necessity.
When I started this medication change, I wasn't sure if I was going to be taken off Lithium completely, switched to something else, or placed on a combination of medications. The main goal was to get rid of all of the physical side effects that were causing so many issues in my day to day life. For those who don't know, you can't just switch from one medication to another. There needs to be a slow taper from one medication to the other. So we started off removing one Lithium pill and adding one Depakote pill. Depakote is much like Lithium, but not as harsh on the body. It also isn't as good as Lithium in terms of treating both the highs and the lows of Bipolar Disorder. It's great at tackling one, but usually falls short with the other. In my case, great with the mania, shitty with the depression.
Almost immediately I felt the switch in my body. Everything I had been experiencing over the last year just disappeared. My doctor and I started to wonder if the Lithium level was just toxic and having removed the one pill did the trick. I was so excited to finally feel at home in my body. No longer uncomfortable in my own skin... but of course nothing is ever that easy in my life.
Just as quickly as the physical pains and issues went away did my depression kick in. And it has been horrible. Throughout my years since being diagnosed I haven't really dealt with the depression. I've only experienced mania.....which is a beast because I feel so amazing I don't ever want to stop feeling that way.....but I get so high that I lose sight of everything....becoming a darker, less recognizable version of myself. I've only ever known the mania. I've never had to deal with serious depression......and let me tell you...it has been a fucking battle/nightmare/shitty situation.
Depression is absolutely crippling and debilitating. It honestly is. It has gotten to the point where I never know if I am going to wake up happy and ready to tackle the day, or so depressed I don't even want to leave my apartment or answer my phone. Last week I spent 3 days in my apartment. I'm easily agitated and irritated. I'm highly emotional. Confrontational. I've honestly been such a wreck. I've never had to experience this kind of emotional low before. I'm so used to being happy and having everything together.......not even wanting to answer my phone or get out of bed is not something I'm used to.
I went to go see my doctor this week. I explained to her that this emotional roller coaster and this depression is just becoming unbearable. I'm so frustrated with never knowing how I'm going to feel. Never knowing if I'm going to wake up depressed. Just not even being in control of how I feel. It's so frustrating feeling like I can't control what is happening to me. For someone who has serious OCD like myself, being in control of every last detail is kinda my thing.
She explained that this transition won't be easy. It's a bit of a gamble. We just have to take it one day at a time, one week at a time, one pill at a time. She expressed that she is set on finding the best combination that will enhance my quality of life.....but that I would have to be patient and understanding of the process. I need to accept that
I'm just in a frustrated place. I know that at the end of this whole process I will be so happy I did it. I know that this will improve the overall quality of my life. This will be a positive at the end of the day......but right now I'm just so discouraged. I feel so low. Like a lesser version of myself. I feel like I'm disappointing my family, my boyfriend, my job, my friends.....because I can't give them the 100% version of myself....because I'm just not there yet.
I was driving home from work today crying....thinking about this entire situation. Then it just hit me....I can't always be 100%. No one can be the 100% best version of themselves at all times. I have to stop being so fucking hard on myself. I'm going through a change.....a process that will take some time. I just have to embrace the change and everything that comes with it because I know at the end of all of this, all of the struggling, crying, emotional overload, will all be worth it. I'm worth it. So this is a message to everyone out there.......bear with me. I know I'm a bit of a mess right now. I'm all over the place. But just know I am doing the best I can right now. I am fighting a seriously difficult, uphill battle....and while I refuse to give up and throw in the towel, not every day will be peachy.
I need to spend some time with myself.........getting myself to understand that this is a process and I can't always be perfect. I can't be so hard on myself. I feel like a majority of my depression right now is stemming from the fact that I'm INSANELY hard on myself. I'm a perfectionist. I do everything in my power to make everyone happy. I hate feeling like I am disappointing someone....and yes I still feel like a disappointment even if someone tells me I'm not a disappointment to them. I'm terrified of feeling like I'm not in control of my medical condition. I fear losing control and ending up hospitalized. This fear floods my mind daily. I'm honestly starting to feel like I am my own antagonist. Like I'm so caught up in my own bullshit in my mind that it's making it near impossible for me to just live my life, embrace the ups and downs, and be ok with myself.
I guess I need to spend a little more time telling myself to bear with myself. Does that even make any fucking sense? Regardless.....I need to chill. This whole change can be a bit overwhelming but I know at the end of the day it will all be so worth it.......because in my heart I know I'm WORTH IT.
"Change is hardest at the beginning, messiest in the middle, and BEST at the end" - Robin Sharma
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