Life is hard enough. But living life with Bipolar Disorder can be tricky. It's hard to try and tell yourself "you're normal" when sometimes you feel anything but. I have to watch what I eat, drink, my levels of stress, how much I'm sleeping. Any little thing can trigger me. There are all sorts of things that can just send me into a spiral. Did you know that even while taking all of my medication something like stress can deplete it from my bloodstream? Yeah. It's that easy. I could be taking all of my pills every single day....they draw my blood....and it's like it isn't even there. I am constantly freaking out about EVERYTHING. I never want to run into an issue so I am always thinking about my condition, things I can do to simplify my life, etc. I get so panicked that I'm going to relapse that at the first sign of anything I am sounding the alarm and preparing myself to fight back. After all this is MY life and I won't allow anything, any one or any situation rob me of my life and my freedom......physical, emotional, or mental.
Most of my days are spent laughing, in a great mood, enjoying life - stressors included. But some days I feel very negative, solitary, grumpy, overly emotional, easily agitated/irritated. And it comes in waves. Without notice. No announcement. It just floods into my brain and I am instantly overwhelmed and consumed by my funk. More often than not this funk isn't sparked by anything. It's just random. Immediately my brain shifts to my Bipolar Disorder. Is everything ok? Are my levels right? Is something low? Is something off? What do I need to do to fix it? Medication increases? Sleeping pills? Anti depression pick-me-up pills? I start retracing all of my steps. Making sure my medication is accounted for. All doses have been taken as they should. I drive myself insane trying to pin point exactly where I went wrong.........but what if I did nothing wrong? When did I forget that at the end of the day in spite of being diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.....I'm just a human. A regular human. I'm
Sometimes I need to remind my perfectionist/OCD/bipolar self that it is OK to feel. Having an off day doesn't make me crazy. Feeling extra emotional and crying for no reason in particular is ok. As humans we feel all sorts of emotions. At all times. Just because one day I'm feeling extra emotional and I happen to also be diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder doesn't make me an insane person who needs their medications re-calibrated. It just makes me human. I'm entitled to have off days. It's ok to be in a funk. It's perfectly acceptable to cry in your car for no reason while listening to Sam Smith (he has the voice of an angel BTW). It is all OK.
I have learned recently that I just need to accept that I'm normal. Like everyone else. My diagnosis doesn't make me abnormal. Yes, it has forced me to change my ways. Yes, I am always aware and conscious of the unmedicated version of myself and how unpleasant she is. But just because I have Bipolar Disorder doesn't mean I am any less human.......and I just need to take a step back, breathe deep, and remind myself it is ok to just FEEL. It doesn't signify a relapse. Not everything in life needs to be perfect 24-7. My life won't fall apart if I leave dishes in the sink. I'm ok. Feeling is ok. Crying is ok. Reaching out is ok. I am ok.
I have learned that I don't need to have everything together, wrapped in a perfect bow all of the time. My life can still be emotional and messy and I can still be in charge of my mental health and aware of my diagnosis. I just need to focus on giving up some control and accepting that I'm HUMAN and I have off days like everyone else.
"A diagnosis does not change who you are. A diagnosis does not define you. You are a daughter, a significant other, a sister, a friend, a coworker......and most importantly human." These are things I need to constantly remind myself of. Things that allow me to refocus my brain. Steer it away from negative thinking and move it back to positive affirmations.
Have you affirmed yourself lately? Life gets crazy and more often than not we get too caught up in our mistakes/failures to acknowledge the good in our lives. We get caught up in the daily pressures and focus only on our short comings and what we could have/should have/would have done better or differently. I say don't forget to remind yourself that you are human. Just breathe. There is always tomorrow. And tomorrow is the promise of a great day.
"You're only human. You don't have to have it together every minute of every day" - Unknown
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