I have a love/hate relationship with letting go....and I know you do too.

Sometimes letting go is easier said than done. 

Not sure if many people know this...but my father and I have had a sorted relationship since I was a kid. We never really saw eye to eye on much.....fought constantly...all that jazz. I doubt many of you knew this because we were just so good at being fake. Plastering on that smile, hugging and kissing, posing for family photos. Yeah.....

We were the type that would fight the ENTIRE way to a party....but as soon as we parked the car we were all smiles. Looking back it kinda freaks me out at how good we all were at being fake. Never letting people see how much pain we really felt.....never letting people know what really went on behind closed doors....for fear of exposing the reality of our situation.....we weren't happy at all.

I have struggled to maintain a relationship with my father since his separation from my mom. I literally felt sometimes like I was chasing a ghost. It should never be that much of a struggle to spend time with your own father. I would sit and cry and beg him to just be part of my life....get him to understand that I needed nothing from him....I just wanted his love. I wanted him around. I wanted him to make me feel like he gave a shit.

He would feed me some AMAZING lies....make me feel like this time things between he and I were going to be different. I would leave our dinners with my heart so full. Feeling on top of the world. Eventually he would always find a way to crush everything I felt....everything I had invested my heart in. The inevitable let down became almost like a joke....an internal bet of how long it would take for his true self to resurface and his house of cards/lies to come tumbling down. I would sit and wonder how long it was going to take for him to let me down and shatter my heart.....yet again. I knew it would come.....and like clockwork.....there he was breaking his promises along with my heart.

I spent SO MANY YEARS of my life feeling inferior. Feeling as though I was never good enough. Like the black sheep. The problem child. The rebellious loud mouth who was disrespectful as fuck. Yeah I've always had a mouth on me....and no, I've never been afraid to stand up to anyone when it came to what I felt in my heart was right.....including my own dad. Until recently....I actually still felt like I wasn't good enough. I couldn't figure out what more I could possibly do to show my dad I was accomplished....that my life was something to be proud of....that I was someone deserving of his love.

I'll never forget this one afternoon while sitting at Mimi's Cafe having lunch with my dad....he sat there and told me he wanted to try and have a son because his life didn't feel fufilled. I SHIT you not....he said that. He later tried to change it around, claiming he never meant to make it seem like my sister and I weren't enough for him.....but I knew what he meant that day.....and I knew how much it hurt to hear those words come out of his mouth.

As many know.....life moves on. Everyone eventually picks up and moves on. My father has done that....new fiancee, new son, new life. It's crazy how clear he has made it to both my sister and I that we no longer fit in with his "new world". This was crushing......I can't speak for my sister but I know it sucked for me to feel as though yet again....I wasn't good enough. I felt rejected....at a loss. Inferior. Then it hit me.....the question isn't 'what is wrong with me'? The question here is what the FUCK is wrong with him?!

I was angry with myself for ever feeling as though I wasn't good enough. As if there were something I must not have been doing right. I must have been doing something so wrong in order to not be deserving of my dads love and affection. Fuck that mess. I am good enough. I am an amazing woman. I am strong, courageous, outspoken. I am intelligent, driven, accomplished. Most importantly....I am loving, supportive, and kind. I put others before myself and love fearlessly every single day. I have amazing friends and family. I am blessed each and every day with the many blessings God has graced my life with.

It was never about me.....nor was it about my sister. It has never been about our shortcomings....or the things we were doing wrong. It's actually my dad. He has his own set of issues and demons he needs to deal with. He isn't happy with himself. There are things missing from his own life.....making him incomplete. These are all things I can't control or fix. No matter how much I love him.....it won't ever be enough....because he doesn't love himself.

Eventually I had to part ways with my father and his toxicity....for my own benefit. I couldn't continue trying to save the sinking ship. No matter what I did or said....it would never matter because he fights his own war with himself. As much as it killed me to make this decision.....to finally let go and let God.....I knew in my heart it was the best decision for me. I'm not sure what life has in store. Maybe one day our paths will cross and he will be a different man. Maybe one day we can build back what has been broken. Or maybe we will never speak again....and we will just be two strangers walking in the night. Regardless, I know I will be happy with whatever outcome is MEANT to be.

We are here on this earth to live once. We only get one shot to make this life the BEST life. Surround yourself with people who make your soul happy. The people who make you laugh until you cry. Those who will ALWAYS be honest with you, never sugarcoating life because they think that's what you need. Find those amazing people who add to your life....not subtract from it. Learn from my many mistakes.....it is OK for you to let go of toxic people and move on. It doesn't matter who they are.......family members, close friends, colleagues, or the stranger on the street.....you have every right to protect yourself and your heart.

I can't sit here and say that I am happy with the fact that I have basically told my dad to go fuck himself (yeah...our conversation went something like that). I can't honestly admit that I am thrilled because I'm human and I have a heart. Yet regardless of my emotional connection and history.......this relationship is toxic. It brings me nothing but pain, anguish, sadness, sorrow, anger, rage. I know at the end of the day God ALWAYS has a plan. I know he brings people into our lives and takes them out of our lives for a reason. I just have to put my faith in someone higher than myself and know that in the end it is what it is.

Letting go takes courage. It takes analysis. It takes sitting back with your thoughts and assessing ALL aspects of your life. It is hard to let go and walk away from things or people sometimes....yet at the end of the day when we feel in our hearts it is time to let go...it is probably for the best. Don't be afraid of the unknown. More often than not the unknown holds things for us that are FAR MORE AMAZING than we could have ever imagined.

"Some of us think holding on makes us strong but sometimes it is letting go that makes us strong " - Hermann Hesse