My heart goes out to Amanda Bynes and her family in this trying time. She clearly needs all of the attention and help she can get right now. I look back at my 3 different catastrophic meltdowns and I can't even begin to imagine what it would have been like to experience those in the public eye. To have people watching....waiting...blogging your every move. Turning your own personal hell into gossip fodder. Waiting for the second you do some bat shit crazy crap so they can cash in on your demise. At least I got to experience my crazy in private. Thank god.
It is no secret that Amanda Bynes is suffering from some sort of mental illness. It is clear that while she was medicated she was a normal member of society. It is also clear that once off her meds (which are a necessity when living with mental illness) her life went all sorts of cray. I've heard it a million times before: "If you stay on your medication you're fine and normal". First off...that statement drives me crazy because it is the furthest thing from the truth. What people don't understand is that there is never anything normal about living with mental illness.
Mental illness is nothing to play with. Your mind is an amazingly complex part of you. It controls more than we probably realize. As I said before, there is nothing normal about living with mental illness. You have multiple doctors, therapists, routine monthly blood work, etc. Your body....mainly your mind....relies on medication to function. Any little thing (such as minor everyday stressors) can trigger an episode. You almost (in a sense) feel like your life doesn't belong to you. And let me tell you something....when you are locked up in a mental hospital for days or even weeks at a time...your life doesn't belong to you. How on earth are we expected to feel "normal" when this shit is real life, every single day to us? I've got an idea.........we fucking ACCEPT it. That's how.
If we learn to accept the things we cannot change, we can change the things we cannot accept. After my last episode (which had me in cuffs being shuffled off to a county facility) I became VERY depressed. I sat in my isolated room and thought of all the things I wanted for my life. How I wanted nothing more than to be a wife and a mother one day.....and I cried. I felt like I had reached the lowest of the low. Here I was at 23, locked up in a mental facility with no idea as to when I would be released. How would I ever be able to have someone rely on me when I couldn't even rely on myself? Shit honestly couldn't get any worse for me at that moment in time. I sat and thought about all the times I had cycled back into the hospital. Each time the same. My own doing. My stubbornness and inability to accept that this condition would always be part of my life and part of who I am. These things brought me back here..and would continue to bring me back here. Without accepting that this was my life....I would always find myself here.
So what if I have to take medicine every day for the rest of my life? Who cares that I need to do monthly blood work? I'm here. I am alive. I get the opportunity to wake up every day, kiss my handsome love, laugh with my family, grab coffee with my friends. I get to come home to my two crazy dogs and sleep in my own bed. I am free. Totally free. My mind is clear, my heart is full, my thoughts are mine. I control my life. I control my disorder. This is MY normal....and you know what? I fucking love it. I am beyond grateful to God that I am blessed with this amazing ride that I call my life.
My last meltdown, which led to being punched in the face by an angry patient, brought me to this wonderful place in my life. Without reaching my rock bottom....without finally accepting the things I couldn't change, I would have never been able to change the things in my life that I just couldn't accept. At that moment in my life I could no longer run from the reality of my "normal". I'll always hold a special place in my heart for the angry hoochie that punched me in the face. I'll never be able to repay her for the eye-opening experience she provided. I really fucking needed that wake up call.
So what about you? What are the things you wish you could change? Big or small. What will it take to change them? Is the outcome worth the work to you? Are there things/situations in your life that would be much easier to live with if you just stopped avoiding reality and accepted those things/situations for what they are......as well as what they aren't/might never be? I know change is scary as shit......and it can take a lot of work to get to where you want to be.....but at the end of the day as long as YOU are happy with where you are in YOUR life...that is all that really matters.
Don't ever let anyone tell you what YOUR "normal" should look like. Let your flag fly however the fuck you want it to. It is your life you know.
"Accept - then act. Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it.....this will miraculously transform your whole life" - Eckhart Tolle
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