Change

The end of the year is coming.....bringing the end of one year and the hopeful beginning of another. This time of year is always so reflective for me. I (like many others out there) find myself reminiscing on the past year.......reliving all of the moments that made up that year. There are always good times and bad......amazing times...happy times...sad times. I enjoy playing the moments back......as if they were being projected for me on a screen. I feel that during this time of reflection I always discover just how much the past year has changed me. What a different person I have become. How much my views on life have changed.......how much I have changed as an individual.

2014 was without a doubt MY year. I have made SO many changes and come SUCH a long way from January of this year. I have had my fair share of changes......from my separation and divorce, to reconciling with my dad, coming to peace with the fact that my life isn't perfect.....nor am I...and knowing in my heart that its ok. I have built some strong, lasting relationships.....and watched others fizzle out like most do when you become an adult. I have laughed the hardest I have ever laughed....and cried the hardest I have ever cried. I met the man who was meant to change my life. The one who was placed on this Earth just for me to find and share my heart with. I have discovered that I am strong enough not only to endure the hard and rocky moments in life......but I am CAPABLE of coming out on the other side stronger and more emotionally ready to tackle life.

The thing about change is that it is necessary. In order for our lives to continue progressing forward we must accept change.....and embrace it. In all of its forms. We need change to grow. Change......no matter which way it presents itself to you....is good. It frees you. It forces you to see things from another perspective. It causes you to look inside yourself and really assess what is most important. Yes, it is emotionally draining. Yes, it is taxing and tedious. No...it doesn't come fast or easy. Real change.....the kind that rocks you to your core....is not for the faint of heart...or those seeking out instant gratification. Change is a process. It takes time. It takes risk. It takes a leap of faith. Change is NECESSARY for growth. Without change our lives become stagnant.

From my own personal experiences this past year alone I can attest to the fact that change.......while its outcome is so rewarding......is difficult and a bit of a mind fuck. There were many times I found myself asking the question "why me" or "what have I done to deserve this"? I often asked God "why am I being put through this", "where is my lesson"? The one question which ran constantly through my head and weighed heavy on my heart:

"What is the reason behind all of this....and when will it all make sense?"

I knew there was a lesson to be learned from all of this. I knew that at the end of my journey I would have answers. I also knew that if I still had questions.......my journey was not over yet. And I had to come to peace with that. I realized I had to endure the changes that I did over the past year because I was meant to grow, learn, flourish.....and most importantly evolve. We as humans are meant to constantly change.....grow.....develop. We can actually handle more than we think emotionally because we are creatures of evolution....constantly being tested. Constantly changing with the times.

A year ago my life was in such a different place. I had been through so much.....tackled so many obstacles. I was so unhappy. So miserable on so many different levels. I knew that this life wasn't mine. I knew in my heart that I deserved more. I was worth more. As difficult as the next decisions were going to be in my life......I knew they were necessary. I was willing to take the risk. Willing and ready to make a change for ME......because I couldn't deny any longer that my happiness was most important. One year ago I would've never guessed my life would be the way it is now ---- thank FUCKING God for that. I look back on the woman I was one year ago.......the shell that I was to be honest.....and I don't even recognize that girl. She seems so small to me. When my past is brought up it feels like such a distant memory. A time in my life when I was so lost. So sad. Surrounded by misery. A caged butterfly. That is the best way to describe it. I look at my life today and realize I am happier now than I ever could have imagined I could be. This is exactly how my life is supposed to be. My heart and my life are so full of love. So amazing. So happy.

Don't be afraid of change. No matter which way it presents itself to you. No matter how difficult it might seem. Regardless of how taxing it is or how time consuming. Embrace it. Even if you don't quite understand why you are enduring what you are at that moment in time......don't fear it. We all understand the reason why we are called to change in our own time. Yes, it might be painful. And no, I can't promise that it will be easy.....because I know it won't. At the end of the day the reason as to why we endure what we do is ALWAYS revealed to us....one way or another. The person we have become after the endured experience is not the same person we were before. Not even close. Change is worth every second. Every tear. Every obstacle we must tackle. Every one of the demons we must face.

So I ask each and every one of you to take time to reflect on this past year. The pain, laughter, heartache, growth, loss. Have you made a change? If not.....don't worry. It will come......it always does. And when it does......embrace it. It will be the BEST gift you give to yourself.

"I can't go back to yesterday. I was a different person then" - Lewis Carroll; Alice in Wonderland