Sorry I'm NOT Sorry.

They always say growth isn't comfortable. Maturing isn't easy. Unlearning patterns of behavior and thought processes that provide comfort in the chaos isn't for the faint of heart. Awakening the power within you doesn't come without a price. That price is your old self. This year has without a doubt been full of the lowest of lows and the highest of highs. Pure bliss.....and utter heartbreak.  I was gutted this year. Stripped of everything. I reached a place where I didn't even recognize myself. No joy, desire, excitement. Everything felt like the slowest walk through the deepest fog. Yet at the same time everything felt like my first time beating Super Mario Bros........total ecstasy.  I've spent a long time living in a negative space. In my own head.....angry, bitter, resentful, sad. Alone. Often times afraid of my own darkness. Being accountable and realizing you've reached a new depth of darkness is difficult. I try so hard to keep everything together. T...

11/3/21 I'll be logging my mood every few days....and maybe....just maybe.....one day I'll get the courage to post this because I feel people should know what depression is. What it looks like. How it masquerades around as something else. Well for me anyway. This is just my experience. Maybe some of you will relate....maybe some of you will read this and see things from a different perspective. Who fucking knows. All I know is writing is my safe space. So here we are. We are always so shocked when we hear someone has committed suicide. Like how? What would bring them to that point?  FUCKING DEPRESSION BRO. The depression talks.......and its comments are deafening. It makes you believe things that aren't real........like this "feeling" is permanent. This will NEVER get better. There is NO hope. And coming from someone who is trying SO fucking hard to fight against that voice......I can completely understand why someone would do it. Because it's the only way to ...

They always say there are three sides to every story: yours, mine, and the truth. Well that also pertains to life as well. There is ALWAYS what we choose to share, what we choose to leave out, and what we are ACTUALLY dealing with/processing/struggling with.  It’s weird to say I’m a private person, or I don’t like putting my life on display, when I have a blog where I share VERY private and personal parts of myself……but this blog doesn’t give you access to all of me. My personal demons. My daily struggles. My heartbreak. My pain. This blog gives you access to what I ALLOW you to have access to….just like social media.  There are so many daily struggles we all have….myself included. Sometimes my physical pain is so bad, I physically cannot get out of bed. Sometimes my depression is so bad, I don’t want to get out of bed. Life can honestly feel like a constant struggle. There have been countless times I have found myself asking God why? Why me?  I post photos laughing with ...

It's crazy how much can change in ten years. I'm a completely different person than I was ten years ago......mainly because I work at being a better version of myself every single day. I feel beyond blessed to be here.....ten years later....stronger and healthier than ever. I made a commitment to myself ten years ago to work harder....to put forth the effort...to place my mental health before all else......and it fucking paid off. I fucking made it. Ten years ago I was released from a county facility. My third hospitalization in four years. I was nowhere near healthy enough to be released....but the county really doesn't give a fuck about that. They just want to get you " well enough " to release you and clear a bed for another person. Being in the county was by far the WORST experience of my life. The people, the facility, everything about it was horrible. It was the longest stay of them all.......and I wasn't even done yet. After leaving the county I was ...

So I was finally released from the hospital on Thursday. Being in the hospital for 6 days was the most taxing experience of my life. The surgery itself went very well. The DR (which is the most amazing doctor on earth) did an amazing job. She really focused on my problem areas without removing an excessive amount of skin. The wounds are left open, meant to heal from the inside out. Once fully healed, it will be scarred skin, but the HS will not come back into those areas any longer!!!!!!!! The areas I had done were the biggest problem areas for me....that being the groin, thigh, and buttocks area. As you can imagine these areas are sensitive AF, and not easy to deal with post-op for a variety of reasons (think pee/poop). Friday and Saturday were ok. Painful as fuck, but I was managing with the help of Norco (which eventually got bumped up to Percocet because......well duh). Sunday was by far the WORST day of my life. When I went to use the restroom, I sat down on the toilet as ...

So I'm currently sitting in my bed at the hospital. It's day 5 post-op. It's so crazy to sit here knowing everything that has gone on in the last 5 days. I mean I did like almost die Sunday (not even joking in the slightest). But I guess an explanation is owed as to how I got here. What exactly brought me to the hospital bed. Hidradenitis Suppurativa. When I was about 15, I noticed these small bumps under my armpits. No idea what they were, I did what any rational being would do....I picked at them. Eventually the bumps grew larger and larger. At one point I remember one bursting and puss coming out. Disgusting right? Well of course I decided in that moment to keep this weird little "issue" of mine a secret. It was embarrassing to look at. I would wear long sleeve shirts so no one would see these bumps forming. As the bumps began to grow in size and number, I started to get worried. I remember going to my PTP and she said it was "body acne". I reme...

So my last post was about timing. How you should never doubt the timing of your life. Well the craziest and most random thing happened to me last week. I was out with my friend Sam at Panera.....which is OUR spot (something about that Plum Ginger Hibiscus tea gets me). While sitting on the patio, I noticed a man get off the bus in the middle of the street. Carrying papers.  A huge stack of them. White. Yellow. Pink. Then I saw it....the wrist band. That's when I realized this guy was probably just released from a hospital. Anyone that knows me knows I'm vigilant. I can spot anyone at any time. I'm always mindful of my surroundings.....and I knew it was a matter of time before I came into contact with this man. He walked up to our seating area, but not up to Sam and I......which I honestly thought he was going to. A minute or two later, a man and woman exited the Panera. He walked up to them and asked to use their phone. I couldn't hear much of their conversation, ...

Life has been moving people. Just moving right along. Pretty fucking quickly if you ask me. Like HOW are we already in the middle of March?!!? I've been so busy lately. I find myself struggling in my attempt to stay up to speed with the rate my life has been moving lately. Just to update....I've finally been cleared to see a surgeon regarding my HS (that autoimmune condition I was diagnosed with a while back). Apparently I've reached stage 3 and the only option now would be surgery......which is both exciting AND terrifying. I see her this week so I'll know more of what I'm looking at moving forward then. To be clear - Stage 3 doesn't mean I'm dying or anything. It just means every round of treatment has failed and the condition continues to get worse.....meaning I'm going to need surgery to remove all sections of affected/scarred skin in hopes of reducing the amount of flare ups I'm experiencing. I've also started a medication change. Lith...

2018 has been a wild year. I honestly have felt every single feeling in the book this year. Happiness, sadness, heartbreak, anger, resentment. You name it....I felt it. But of all the feelings I experienced this year, regret wasn't one of them. Not when it came to making certain decisions about who to surround myself with. Who to share my energy with. I think we regret certain decisions throughout our life. It's pretty impossible to live a life without a single regret. In all actuality, I think regrets are what shape us. Turn us into different people. There have been certain moments in my life I look back on and regret.....I think we all do.....but I know that I have never regretted the decisions I have made when it comes to the people I have in my life. The people I choose to surround myself with.....and those who I politely remove from my life. I swear this year felt like both the longest and shortest year of my life. January felt like 100 years.....then I woke up and i...

My whole life I thought finding the partner you spend your life with meant finding the person that made you whole. Complete. The one person who was your other half. The missing piece of you. At a point in my life I thought I had found that. I thought I was finally complete. Over time, I couldn't figure out why I wasn't happy. Why I felt alone. Why I never felt whole. It turns out I never was complete. When I ended my relationship I felt so alone and so lost. I had given so much of myself to my partner and our relationship that I lost myself somewhere along the way. I had spent so much of my time trying to make someone else happy....and whole. Giving up parts of myself to fill the missing pieces of another.  I never realized until this point in my life that it was never about finding my other half. The missing component. You can't look to another to make you whole. It isn't someone else's job to make you complete. It is YOUR job to make YOURSELF complete....

I've been trying so hard lately to get out of my weirdo funk. Ever since I broke up with my ex I've been in a cloud of emotions. I'm happy, sad, angry. Angry about the fact that I'm sad. Sad about the fact that I'm angry. I'm like a fucking hot mess of feelings. Depression is brutal......and for me it masquerades around like I'm super happy. It's hard to ever tell I'm actually depressed because I always seem so happy. So full of life. So put together. Well I'm fucking not. At all. I'm a shit show of feelings......none of which present themselves at the right time. Feelings don't give a SHIT about you....or where you are....what you are doing.....about what you are dealing with in that moment. They just show the fuck up unannounced and unwarranted. Unwelcome. You could be PERFECTLY fine and then BOOM.....memories flood in and you're crying in line at TJ Maxx holding a light up pineapple, rose water spray, and 2 bags of chocolate co...

I know you’re all expecting the chisme or the badmouth.....but what good does it do to badmouth the one you once loved? To you. I wish you well. And that’s all I have to say about that. This one isn’t even about you ( as much as I know you’re hoping it is ). It’s about getting back to me. I lost myself somewhere between trying to find myself and trying to keep something alive that had run its course a long time before it actually ended. I spent a very long time trying to love someone who truly doesn’t love themselves......and let me tell you...that is a very draining and ultimately impossible task. Oddly enough, I don’t regret a single second. I’m not sad I tried as long as I did. I’d be lying to myself if I tried to be anyone else other than who I am.....a caring person who loves the SHIT out of her circle....and her life. Giving it any less than 100% from beginning to end would have been a disservice to myself....and I wouldn’t be able to look at myself in the mirror if I kn...

2017 has NOT been my year people. A lot (mostly health shit) has been going on throughout the entire year. Most of which has been exhausting to deal with... emotionally, physically, mentally, monetarily....ALL of it. Just FUCKING exhausting. It honestly felt like I was ALWAYS behind the 8 ball. The second something cleared up or got better....BOOM. Hit with something else. Something worse. More complicated. FAR more annoying ** insert MASSIVE eye roll for added affect ** The issues with my health also took a serious toll on my mental health and well being. I spent most of this year crying........depressed....crying....depressed. Being angry at doctors....at God....genetics. I always felt like I was at a loss. Nothing would go right. Everything was overwhelming. At times, I just didn't want to exist because it felt like that would be easier than the never-ending nightmare that had become my life. Now I understand that last sentence is VERY serious....but it is also VERY accurat...

So I've been MIA.....again. Partly because of how busy life gets. Partly because of health shit. Mainly because I haven't felt the urge to write. This blog has become my therapeutic sanctuary. The place I come to when I need to just express myself. Writing has always been a passion of mine......and lately I haven't had much passion for anything. I've been dealing with this issue for some time now. I've seen doctors, specialists, you name it. I've undergone almost every type of blood test possible. Turns out, I have an autoimmune disorder. Just my fucking luck right? Another lifelong condition I didn't ask for and now get to deal with. I've felt pretty much every emotion possible to be quite honest. Mostly sadness. I've felt pretty fucking depressed and sad. And angry. Lots of " why me's "?! I've cried........ a lot . I've been in INSANE amounts of physical pain.....some days I can't get up from bed at all. Yet somehow, t...

I'd like to say something poetic about my lapse in blog writing.....something like: "I've been busy finding myself" or "I've been out exploring" blah blah blah  Truth is life has been pretty fucking hectic. I've been in a busy place/head space and just haven't made the time to sit with my thoughts lately. Life has honestly just been FLYING by......I've been so consumed with life, work, home ownership, new medications, maintaining my mental health, relationships, friendships, life changes....that I just haven't had time to be one with my blog. It finally got to the point that if I didn't blog soon my head would explode (not even being overdramatic...even though being overdramatic is kinda my thing)......so here we are. I've been doing a lot of thinking since turning 30. I've always found it odd when people say " another year older...feel any different "?! I never understood why anyone would ask that. It...

I've been feeling some type of way lately. I'm turning 30 in about 2 weeks and I'm not sure if I've been having a mini-meltdown or what......but I've been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting.  It is crazy to think that another decade has come and gone. I know to some people turning 30 is just another year older.....but turning 30 for me is something truly special. It is symbolic and SUPER meaningful for me. It is the end of my 20s.......and the beginning of a new decade. My 20s were INTENSE . Full of growth, heartache, struggle, anger, rage, depression, emotional moments. I had just been diagnosed with Bipolar when I entered my 20s. I had NO idea what the fuck I was doing with myself. I felt lost, emotional, fragile. Throughout my 20s, I was hospitalized 3 times.....each time going back worse than the last. I was reckless. Unable to accept....or more importantly NOT WILLING to accept that this was now my life.....my realization. I didn't understand that th...