Sorry I'm NOT Sorry.

My whole life I thought finding the partner you spend your life with meant finding the person that made you whole. Complete. The one person who was your other half. The missing piece of you. At a point in my life I thought I had found that. I thought I was finally complete. Over time, I couldn't figure out why I wasn't happy. Why I felt alone. Why I never felt whole. It turns out I never was complete. When I ended my relationship I felt so alone and so lost. I had given so much of myself to my partner and our relationship that I lost myself somewhere along the way. I had spent so much of my time trying to make someone else happy....and whole. Giving up parts of myself to fill the missing pieces of another.  I never realized until this point in my life that it was never about finding my other half. The missing component. You can't look to another to make you whole. It isn't someone else's job to make you complete. It is YOUR job to make YOURSELF complete....

I've been trying so hard lately to get out of my weirdo funk. Ever since I broke up with my ex I've been in a cloud of emotions. I'm happy, sad, angry. Angry about the fact that I'm sad. Sad about the fact that I'm angry. I'm like a fucking hot mess of feelings. Depression is brutal......and for me it masquerades around like I'm super happy. It's hard to ever tell I'm actually depressed because I always seem so happy. So full of life. So put together. Well I'm fucking not. At all. I'm a shit show of feelings......none of which present themselves at the right time. Feelings don't give a SHIT about you....or where you are....what you are doing.....about what you are dealing with in that moment. They just show the fuck up unannounced and unwarranted. Unwelcome. You could be PERFECTLY fine and then BOOM.....memories flood in and you're crying in line at TJ Maxx holding a light up pineapple, rose water spray, and 2 bags of chocolate co...

I know you’re all expecting the chisme or the badmouth.....but what good does it do to badmouth the one you once loved? To you. I wish you well. And that’s all I have to say about that. This one isn’t even about you ( as much as I know you’re hoping it is ). It’s about getting back to me. I lost myself somewhere between trying to find myself and trying to keep something alive that had run its course a long time before it actually ended. I spent a very long time trying to love someone who truly doesn’t love themselves......and let me tell you...that is a very draining and ultimately impossible task. Oddly enough, I don’t regret a single second. I’m not sad I tried as long as I did. I’d be lying to myself if I tried to be anyone else other than who I am.....a caring person who loves the SHIT out of her circle....and her life. Giving it any less than 100% from beginning to end would have been a disservice to myself....and I wouldn’t be able to look at myself in the mirror if I kn...

2017 has NOT been my year people. A lot (mostly health shit) has been going on throughout the entire year. Most of which has been exhausting to deal with... emotionally, physically, mentally, monetarily....ALL of it. Just FUCKING exhausting. It honestly felt like I was ALWAYS behind the 8 ball. The second something cleared up or got better....BOOM. Hit with something else. Something worse. More complicated. FAR more annoying ** insert MASSIVE eye roll for added affect ** The issues with my health also took a serious toll on my mental health and well being. I spent most of this year crying........depressed....crying....depressed. Being angry at doctors....at God....genetics. I always felt like I was at a loss. Nothing would go right. Everything was overwhelming. At times, I just didn't want to exist because it felt like that would be easier than the never-ending nightmare that had become my life. Now I understand that last sentence is VERY serious....but it is also VERY accurat...

So I've been MIA.....again. Partly because of how busy life gets. Partly because of health shit. Mainly because I haven't felt the urge to write. This blog has become my therapeutic sanctuary. The place I come to when I need to just express myself. Writing has always been a passion of mine......and lately I haven't had much passion for anything. I've been dealing with this issue for some time now. I've seen doctors, specialists, you name it. I've undergone almost every type of blood test possible. Turns out, I have an autoimmune disorder. Just my fucking luck right? Another lifelong condition I didn't ask for and now get to deal with. I've felt pretty much every emotion possible to be quite honest. Mostly sadness. I've felt pretty fucking depressed and sad. And angry. Lots of " why me's "?! I've cried........ a lot . I've been in INSANE amounts of physical pain.....some days I can't get up from bed at all. Yet somehow, t...

I'd like to say something poetic about my lapse in blog writing.....something like: "I've been busy finding myself" or "I've been out exploring" blah blah blah  Truth is life has been pretty fucking hectic. I've been in a busy place/head space and just haven't made the time to sit with my thoughts lately. Life has honestly just been FLYING by......I've been so consumed with life, work, home ownership, new medications, maintaining my mental health, relationships, friendships, life changes....that I just haven't had time to be one with my blog. It finally got to the point that if I didn't blog soon my head would explode (not even being overdramatic...even though being overdramatic is kinda my thing)......so here we are. I've been doing a lot of thinking since turning 30. I've always found it odd when people say " another year older...feel any different "?! I never understood why anyone would ask that. It...

I've been feeling some type of way lately. I'm turning 30 in about 2 weeks and I'm not sure if I've been having a mini-meltdown or what......but I've been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting.  It is crazy to think that another decade has come and gone. I know to some people turning 30 is just another year older.....but turning 30 for me is something truly special. It is symbolic and SUPER meaningful for me. It is the end of my 20s.......and the beginning of a new decade. My 20s were INTENSE . Full of growth, heartache, struggle, anger, rage, depression, emotional moments. I had just been diagnosed with Bipolar when I entered my 20s. I had NO idea what the fuck I was doing with myself. I felt lost, emotional, fragile. Throughout my 20s, I was hospitalized 3 times.....each time going back worse than the last. I was reckless. Unable to accept....or more importantly NOT WILLING to accept that this was now my life.....my realization. I didn't understand that th...