Sorry I'm NOT Sorry.

2017 has NOT been my year people. A lot (mostly health shit) has been going on throughout the entire year. Most of which has been exhausting to deal with... emotionally, physically, mentally, monetarily....ALL of it. Just FUCKING exhausting. It honestly felt like I was ALWAYS behind the 8 ball. The second something cleared up or got better....BOOM. Hit with something else. Something worse. More complicated. FAR more annoying ** insert MASSIVE eye roll for added affect ** The issues with my health also took a serious toll on my mental health and well being. I spent most of this year crying........depressed....crying....depressed. Being angry at doctors....at God....genetics. I always felt like I was at a loss. Nothing would go right. Everything was overwhelming. At times, I just didn't want to exist because it felt like that would be easier than the never-ending nightmare that had become my life. Now I understand that last sentence is VERY serious....but it is also VERY accurat...

So I've been MIA.....again. Partly because of how busy life gets. Partly because of health shit. Mainly because I haven't felt the urge to write. This blog has become my therapeutic sanctuary. The place I come to when I need to just express myself. Writing has always been a passion of mine......and lately I haven't had much passion for anything. I've been dealing with this issue for some time now. I've seen doctors, specialists, you name it. I've undergone almost every type of blood test possible. Turns out, I have an autoimmune disorder. Just my fucking luck right? Another lifelong condition I didn't ask for and now get to deal with. I've felt pretty much every emotion possible to be quite honest. Mostly sadness. I've felt pretty fucking depressed and sad. And angry. Lots of " why me's "?! I've cried........ a lot . I've been in INSANE amounts of physical pain.....some days I can't get up from bed at all. Yet somehow, t...

I'd like to say something poetic about my lapse in blog writing.....something like: "I've been busy finding myself" or "I've been out exploring" blah blah blah  Truth is life has been pretty fucking hectic. I've been in a busy place/head space and just haven't made the time to sit with my thoughts lately. Life has honestly just been FLYING by......I've been so consumed with life, work, home ownership, new medications, maintaining my mental health, relationships, friendships, life changes....that I just haven't had time to be one with my blog. It finally got to the point that if I didn't blog soon my head would explode (not even being overdramatic...even though being overdramatic is kinda my thing)......so here we are. I've been doing a lot of thinking since turning 30. I've always found it odd when people say " another year older...feel any different "?! I never understood why anyone would ask that. It...

I've been feeling some type of way lately. I'm turning 30 in about 2 weeks and I'm not sure if I've been having a mini-meltdown or what......but I've been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting.  It is crazy to think that another decade has come and gone. I know to some people turning 30 is just another year older.....but turning 30 for me is something truly special. It is symbolic and SUPER meaningful for me. It is the end of my 20s.......and the beginning of a new decade. My 20s were INTENSE . Full of growth, heartache, struggle, anger, rage, depression, emotional moments. I had just been diagnosed with Bipolar when I entered my 20s. I had NO idea what the fuck I was doing with myself. I felt lost, emotional, fragile. Throughout my 20s, I was hospitalized 3 times.....each time going back worse than the last. I was reckless. Unable to accept....or more importantly NOT WILLING to accept that this was now my life.....my realization. I didn't understand that th...

I haven't posted a blog in MONTHS......and that makes me sad. I've been SO busy with work, my personal life, my mental and physical health, that I just haven't made the time to sit down and write. Writing is such a release for me. My chance to just sit with my thoughts, share my feelings, document my journey. It feels good to just sit here with my laptop right now. So 2016 arrived and I realized....I'm turning 30 this year. I've literally lived 3 decades. I've spent a lot of time reflecting on my journey thus far. All of the ups and downs, the highs and lows. All of the things I have experienced. Opportunities I have had. Dreams I have accomplished. Remembering the moments that changed my life. The relationships I have made.....lost....walked away from. I've spent a lot of time thinking about my friendships. All the people I surround myself with. Everything I have experienced with the friends I have made throughout my life. Friendships are so interesting...

So lately I had been MAD depressed. Like the worst depression I have ever felt in my entire life. I felt like dying. The thought of no longer existing and how much easier it would be if I wasn't around had crossed my mind. My thoughts had become so dark. I felt so alone, so lost. I didn't want to work, didn't want to see my family or friends. I just didn't want to exist. I had shut myself off from everything and everyone. I no longer felt like myself anymore.The doctors call it "Chemical Depression". Apparently its like the worst form of depression that you can have. The chemical imbalance in my brain was causing my depression. Nothing except medication would help at that point. It got so bad I didn't even want to write anymore. Every project I've been working on just came to a hault. I was a shell of myself. I could see myself going through the motions of a day but felt completely disconnected from myself. I reached out to my family for support and ...

So I know I blog alot about my mental health.....in all honesty blogging about it helps keep me in check and allows me to process and heal. Deal with the fact that this is my life. It's never going to get easier or change. I'm sure it seems like I have it all together....I fucking don't. At all. I am just struggling every day to keep the demons at bay and stay healthy....for my partner, my family, friends, and myself. No, I haven't had any episodes in 5 years. Yes that is an accomplishment and yes I am proud of myself for making it this long without an incident.....but there is no eternal okay-ness. I'm never satisfied. Never am I truly ok or cured. I'm just the average person struggling to make it through another day without snapping at someone. I still cycle. I have ups and downs. Good days and bad. It never truly gets better.....it just becomes more manageable. I still, after 5 years, struggle riding the waves. I still get terrified. I panic and freak mys...