The Necessary One

I know you’re all expecting the chisme or the badmouth.....but what good does it do to badmouth the one you once loved?

To you. I wish you well. And that’s all I have to say about that.

This one isn’t even about you (as much as I know you’re hoping it is). It’s about getting back to me.

I lost myself somewhere between trying to find myself and trying to keep something alive that had run its course a long time before it actually ended. I spent a very long time trying to love someone who truly doesn’t love themselves......and let me tell you...that is a very draining and ultimately impossible task.

Oddly enough, I don’t regret a single second. I’m not sad I tried as long as I did. I’d be lying to myself if I tried to be anyone else other than who I am.....a caring person who loves the SHIT out of her circle....and her life. Giving it any less than 100% from beginning to end would have been a disservice to myself....and I wouldn’t be able to look at myself in the mirror if I knew I gave any less than my whole heart......the whole time. Even if I knew I was setting myself up for the ultimate demise.

After bawling my eyes out to my therapist, venting about how angry, robbed and utterly heartbroken I felt, she asked me to sit and tell her all of the things I learned about myself in this relationship that made me happy.

I’ve discovered I’m a bad ass woman. Like not even trying to toot my own horn (beep FUCKING beep), but like I really am. I’ve been through some shit in my life....and somehow I’ve managed to come out on the other side. Smiling. Scarred but strong. Feeling blessed and better than when I started. And this situation was no different.

I can be accountable. Dependable. I can handle myself and another....and hold shit down if need be. I can be a loving partner. The one that will stand by you, no matter what, because they love you. Supportive.....here to back you while you chase your dreams. Honest to a fault....even if what I’m saying hurts but is necessary. Compassionate. Understanding. Willing to compromise. Able to accept when I’m wrong (even if it takes me a fucking minute to get there....I’ll get there). Always growing, evolving, and developing.

I am CONFIDENT (this one is the MOST important thing I learned about myself). Confident enough in what I have to offer a partner.....and knowing it’s OK to be "selfish" and walk away if someone is not willing to give you 100% of what you give them.

You should NEVER feel bad for putting your happiness and well being first. NEVER NEVER NEVER. If someone in your life isn't give you in return what you are giving to them.....reassess that situation ASAP. I repeat. It is OK to be selfish and WALK AWAY if someone is not willing to give you 100% of what you give them. Period.

The purpose of this relationship was to have the mirror held up...to see myself for all that I am....and to learn that I am ENOUGH. Faults and all (I’ve always felt insecure or “less than” because I feel I come with baggage). It’s terrible to feel that certain medical conditions I have are “baggage”, but that’s the reality of my feelings. I’ve learned that this idea I’ve been carrying around for so long is crazy......as my “baggage” isn’t even baggage....and plays no part in who I am or what is inside of my heart. At the end of the day my heart is pure and kind....and my love is genuine.

I DESERVE the 100% I put in given back in return....and if I'm not getting it, I'm moving on. 

That.......that sentence right there......that has been the most amazing thing I’ve taken from this journey.

God ultimately has the biggest and BEST plan for each of us. We just have to maneuver through everything he puts in our way.....each struggle or barrier being an important life lesson. A special lesson catered just for us......to mold us and prepare us for the ultimate plan he has in store.

Despite the heartbreak.....I don’t regret a single second of my vulnerability and rawness. Because I love myself THAT much more now.

Never give up hope. Never give up on the idea that your “ultimate” will come. It just hasn’t happened yet because God knows it’s not YOUR time. He’s not done preparing you. When it is your time you will be strong. You will be open. You will be READY. And it will be the BEST fucking moment of your life......because that moment will be YOUR opportunity. That moment will be the beginning of YOUR ultimate plan.

“The secret of success is to be ready when your opportunity comes” -Benjamin Disraeli

Purge

2017 has NOT been my year people.

A lot (mostly health shit) has been going on throughout the entire year. Most of which has been exhausting to deal with... emotionally, physically, mentally, monetarily....ALL of it. Just FUCKING exhausting. It honestly felt like I was ALWAYS behind the 8 ball. The second something cleared up or got better....BOOM. Hit with something else. Something worse. More complicated. FAR more annoying **insert MASSIVE eye roll for added affect**

The issues with my health also took a serious toll on my mental health and well being. I spent most of this year crying........depressed....crying....depressed. Being angry at doctors....at God....genetics. I always felt like I was at a loss. Nothing would go right. Everything was overwhelming. At times, I just didn't want to exist because it felt like that would be easier than the never-ending nightmare that had become my life. Now I understand that last sentence is VERY serious....but it is also VERY accurate as to my head space most of the year.

Granted yes, I am BEYOND fortunate that while the conditions I have been diagnosed with are permanent and incurable, they are manageable (with the right combination of treatment, I can still live my daily life). And yes, there are many people out there who have it harder than me.......BUT there are many people out there who have it easier than me.....grass is always greener right? I became SO overwhelmed with my thoughts and feelings. It felt impossible to escape utter sadness and despair. Most of the year I spent mentally checked out...unable to fully be "present" in anything because I couldn't focus on anything else besides how utterly miserable I was inside. And sure ----check my Instagram. Peep my Snapchat. Take a glance at my Facebook. Spot a depressed girl? I doubt it. I've become a master of disguise. But then again.....aren't we all in some way/shape/form?

Most of you who know me know DAMN WELL that when I drive I am either mobbin' out to some serious gangsta rap (because duh), busting some serious dance moves, or belting out the adele-feel jams.....but when I am depressed and really in my own head, I drive in silence. I need the silence to sort through my thoughts and feelings.

The other night I was driving home in silence......thinking about how insanely fast this year flew by.....but also realizing how depressed I truly was most of this year. I started to think back on each month...........and discovered that some if not most of each month...I spent depressed. Upset with my situations. Mad about the shitty cards I had been dealt. Frustrated that things just appeared to continuously become more difficult for me. Seriously legit wallowing in "poor fucking me" land. Then I just became mad. Like beyond enraged.....with myself.

I know in life we cannot control what happens sometimes. We can't predict everything. Plan or prepare for everything. Sometimes shitty things just happen to good people and we don't know why....but what I do know is we control what we carry with us in our mind and heart. We make the conscious decision to carry and harbor energy (negative and positive).

I'm not sure why...but I got the sudden urge to purge. Clothes, shoes, handbags, people. Negative vibes, thoughts, energy. All of it. I started getting rid of shit like a mad lady. Removing the clutter. The toxicity. The fake ass fair-weather friends. EVERYTHING. Goodbye Fucking Felicia. I felt like I needed to just PURGE MY LIFE. I think I just felt so overwhelmed by everything this entire year that I just woke up and realized I've crowded my own damn life with bullshit and it was TIME TO GO. The last thing I did for my purge-fest was write. I sat with my thoughts and just wrote for what felt like an eternity. Everything I was thinking and feeling about this entire year. I just put pen to paper and went bananas. Before I knew it, I was like 13 pages deep and had ugly Kim Kardashian cried so hard my eyes were practically swollen shut.  Once I was done......I sat with it for a minute......then set that shit on fire. I burned EVERY single negative thought. Emotion. Heartbreak. Disappointment. Feeling. All of 2017. Burned that shit right up. Sitting there and watching that shit burn to the ground felt FUCKING AMAZINGGGGGG. It was like an insane weight was lifted off my shoulders.....and more importantly my heart.

It was then that I realized I needed to do shit differently in the new year. New Year. New fucking me. New way of dealing with shit. I have decided 2018 is going to be MY BEST FUCKING YEAR. I'm going to make DAMN sure that it is. Lots of laughter. Love. Self-care. Less depression. Less dwelling. Less sadness.

A new year is coming people!!!!! Take some time to sit and PURGE IT OUT!!!! It could be a physical purge, mental purge, emotional purge.....all of the above. Just purge that shit out!!!! Throw away the clutter. Clutter being anything/anyone/any thought or feeling taking up space in your head and heart that just shouldn't anymore. Enter 2018 with a positive and clean slate/head space....ready to tackle everything like a damn badass. Don't carry the past and the negativity into the new year with you. Leave that shit behind and make way for a new year full of positivity and light. I SWEAR to you......once you purge it out you will feel so much better. Get rid of the clutter from your mind.....and your heart. I promise you won't regret it.

"Clutter is not just physical stuff. It's old ideas, toxic relationships and thoughts. Clutter is anything that does not support your better self" - Eleanor Brownn

It's not about the cards....

So I've been MIA.....again. Partly because of how busy life gets. Partly because of health shit. Mainly because I haven't felt the urge to write. This blog has become my therapeutic sanctuary. The place I come to when I need to just express myself. Writing has always been a passion of mine......and lately I haven't had much passion for anything.

I've been dealing with this issue for some time now. I've seen doctors, specialists, you name it. I've undergone almost every type of blood test possible. Turns out, I have an autoimmune disorder. Just my fucking luck right? Another lifelong condition I didn't ask for and now get to deal with.

I've felt pretty much every emotion possible to be quite honest. Mostly sadness. I've felt pretty fucking depressed and sad. And angry. Lots of "why me's"?! I've cried........a lot. I've been in INSANE amounts of physical pain.....some days I can't get up from bed at all. Yet somehow, the emotional pain feels so much worse than the physical. Crazy right?

When I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder 11 years ago, I spent so many years in denial. Not willing to accept the card I had been dealt. Refusing treatment, medication, acceptance....just refusing to accept any of it...hoping if I didn't accept it to be "my reality", it would just go away. Which quite honestly only made things worse for me. Not this time. This time is different. I'm older...wiser...STRONGER.

Today, someone I love very much reached out to me out of the blue.......and said the most beautiful and kind words. It was like she just knew I needed to hear something.....anything to give me some hope. She expressed how strong she has always known I am.....how so many people look to me for strength....and that with my family, friends, and faith, I can get through anything life throws my way.

In life, it's not about the cards you're dealt.......it's how you play the hand. Now, I'm no card shark like my sister.......and I have no idea what hand wins in poker.....but I do know I've become really good at turning shitty situations around for the better. I refuse to let "not so fortunate cards" keep me down. Sure I'm human.....and I get knocked down....but I won't stay down. I'll get back up and continue forward in the pursuit of MY best life.....filled with love, happiness, and laughter.

You are never given challenges too heavy or hard to handle. Not when you are strong, believe in yourself, and have some BADASS people in your corner.

Tomorrow is a different day. A better day. A chance to LIVE another day. Not all are so fortunate. So don't let a shitty hand keep you down.......play that shit like a FUCKING BOSS.


"No matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life goes on, and it will be better tomorrow"- Maya Angelou

Ebb and Flow

I'd like to say something poetic about my lapse in blog writing.....something like:

"I've been busy finding myself" or "I've been out exploring"

blah blah blah 

Truth is life has been pretty fucking hectic. I've been in a busy place/head space and just haven't made the time to sit with my thoughts lately. Life has honestly just been FLYING by......I've been so consumed with life, work, home ownership, new medications, maintaining my mental health, relationships, friendships, life changes....that I just haven't had time to be one with my blog. It finally got to the point that if I didn't blog soon my head would explode (not even being overdramatic...even though being overdramatic is kinda my thing)......so here we are.

I've been doing a lot of thinking since turning 30. I've always found it odd when people say "another year older...feel any different"?! I never understood why anyone would ask that. It's another day....nothing changes. You just go to bed one age and wake up another. I've never felt different.....until the day I turned 30. That weird "overnight shift" everyone always asks about....I totally felt it. It was like I went to bed a 29 year old kid and woke up this 30 year old boss bitch.

Now mind you....I've ALWAYS been a boss bitch. Don't get that twisted. But this.....this felt different. I woke up in my same skin.....but with a spark. A fire deep inside forcing me to make things different. Shake shit up. Stop being polite and start getting REAL (catch my 'Real World' reference there?) But honestly....I woke up with a new attitude. A FUCK THIS attitude. It was like I just reached this place in my life where it was time to purge. Things....habits....people. Just fucking get rid of it all.

I realized that THIS is life....this very moment we are living. Not everyone is meant to stay forever. People change. We grow up. Grow apart. Find our way back to each other. Life is weird. It's like one day you wake up and realize "nahhhhhhhhh....I'm good on you...and your bullshit. Thanks." You get tired of going around in circles. Things. People. Shit that just doesn't matter anymore. I realized what I wanted out of my life. To live. To love. Laugh until my face hurts. Make memories with the people I love and care for the most.....but more importantly...the people who love and care FOR ME the most. I came to terms with the realization that it is time to surround myself with only QUALITY.

So many things ran through my head over the next few weeks. I discovered it was my time to get what I DESERVE.......to only accept back what I give....and nothing less. I reassessed everything in my life. Decluttered my life....in every respect. It was time to walk away from friendships that just weren't right for me anymore....work on bad habits....implement positive life changes....learn to just let things go. Let things be what they will be...let the chips fall where they may if you will. Just allow myself to focus on ME.....making myself first. Caring for myself first....then tackling the rest.

Realizing that this was necessary entering my 30s was hard. I've always been the person to care too much about everyone else and their feelings.....walking on egg shells to make sure I don't hurt anyone....putting other people before myself. Always concerned about what other people might think. Giving too much of myself to people and situations that just didn't deserve it.......didn't give it back in return. So I said fuck it......it's time to enter this next chapter of my life demanding what I deserve....and settling for nothing less than that.

So if you don't hear from me anymore......haven't seen me in "forever"......we don't text or talk anymore like we used to do.....take the time to look at yourself. The only reason I'm not around anymore is because I woke up and realized I DESERVE better than what you were bringing to the table.....if you brought anything at all.

I think it's super important to look at our life and say goodbye to the shit that just doesn't fit anymore.

  Sometimes we just need to stop trying to fit a square block in a circular space. 

There is nothing wrong with realizing what you once surrounded yourself with just isn't right for you anymore. It's nothing personal.....it's just life.

So don't try to fight it......just give in to the ebb and flow of life. Accept that if certain people or things have exited your life....there is a reason behind it. Remember the memories.....look back on the lessons....and allow yourself to grow from each experience. Learn from each moment in your life. Make demands from each and every person/experience in your life. Realize YOU are worth it. You deserve the same amount of time, dedication, and commitment back that you invest into things. If you aren't getting that.....make peace with it and move on.

In the end......it's a new year.....new decade......same boss bitch.....just a bit more demanding.....and YOU should be too!

"You will be guided away from relationships, friendships, and connections that no longer serve your growth when you're changing. Let GO." - Unknown

Mixed Emotions

I've been feeling some type of way lately. I'm turning 30 in about 2 weeks and I'm not sure if I've been having a mini-meltdown or what......but I've been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting.  It is crazy to think that another decade has come and gone. I know to some people turning 30 is just another year older.....but turning 30 for me is something truly special. It is symbolic and SUPER meaningful for me. It is the end of my 20s.......and the beginning of a new decade.

My 20s were INTENSE. Full of growth, heartache, struggle, anger, rage, depression, emotional moments. I had just been diagnosed with Bipolar when I entered my 20s. I had NO idea what the fuck I was doing with myself. I felt lost, emotional, fragile. Throughout my 20s, I was hospitalized 3 times.....each time going back worse than the last. I was reckless. Unable to accept....or more importantly NOT WILLING to accept that this was now my life.....my realization. I didn't understand that this was FOREVER. Permanent. I had to deal with coming to terms with the fact that I was a survivor of sexual assault......although for many years I hid that too......unable to process.....feeling like a victim. Relationships changed. Dynamics changed. I just feel like the past 10 years changed EVERYTHING for me. Just changed me.....period.

I look back on my 20s.....and even though I dealt with SO MUCH shit.....I also grew into the woman I am now. I learned so much about myself. My strength. My ability to handle pressure and stress. I learned about ACCEPTANCE. Accepting that yes, I am Bipolar.....and that is ok. Yes, it is lifelong...and permanent....but MANAGEABLE. I've learned after 10 years that it DOES NOT control me...or my life. After 10 years, I am older, wiser, and far more educated when it comes to my condition. I now feel ready to be a wife.....to be a mom....because I know I can handle myself and my medical condition. I've been healthy and hospitalization free for 6 years now........which for someone who was cycling every 2 years.....is a HUGE deal. I've learned to embrace this card I have been dealt.....and taught myself how to live...how to deal...how to cope. I've learned my body...I've become one with my mind and heart. I know my triggers. I feel comfortable talking about my emotions. I understand when to pick up on signs....when I need to reach out for help...I now know when I just need to tap myself out and take a break for my own sanity and health. I don't allow the stigmas and opinions of others affect me.....as I've now learned that for most.....ignorance is bliss.....and I refuse to allow someones ignorance when it comes to Bipolar run my life. When it comes to being Bipolar.....not a day goes by that I'm not reminded of it.....but these 10 years have allowed me to look in the mirror and see a strong WOMAN, coping and maneuvering through life being Bipolar and FABULOUS.

I used to be pretty volatile. Unable to control my anger. ALWAYS ready to fight. Never willing to back down. Always finding a way to blame someone else for the problems.....never able to find my own fault in a situation. Never able to sit and truly LISTEN to someone when they spoke to me....because I was already 30 steps ahead of them in my mind.....ready to throw out the next insult and dagger. In my early 20s, I was unable to deal with anyone or their bullshit. I was quick to react. Quick to explode. I didn't care what anyone had to say.....I was right. They were wrong....and I would stop at nothing until I buried them with my words and walked away the winner. Now mind you, there is NOTHING wrong with being a strong ass woman who refuses to back down from her beliefs......but there is a fine line between someone who stands her ground.....and someone who is so wrapped up in how to discredit/disprove the other person that they don't sit with the facts and face the reality that they themselves are also part of the problem. It was hard for me to accept that the problem wasn't just the other person........it was also me. I'm part of the problem. My actions, behaviors....all of it....plays part in the conflict. These 10 years have really been growth years for me.....especially the last 4. I've learned that relationships (bf/gf, friend, family...any relationship really) require work. Listening, understanding, knowing when to stand your ground....and also when to bend and let things go. Learning to see the difference between something worth fighting for......and something worth walking away from. I've had to work on myself.....on changing and shifting my behavior.  I've had to learn how to walk away when emotions get too high. Knowing when I just need some space to breathe....and allow my brain to think rationally.....not just emotionally. I'm a work in progress.....I'm not perfect by any means.....and I'm sure I will ALWAYS be a work in progress....but I am learning how to read myself and instead of instantly going for the jugular and slitting someones throat....take a step back....truly LISTEN to what they are saying....and taking the time out to process my thoughts and emotions, and come back to address issues with a clear mind  and not from an emotionally reactive place.

Turning 30 is a HUGE deal to me.....it it MY fresh start. I am finally at a place in my life where I am comfortable in my own skin. I sit now in my living room.......looking around at my life in this moment....and I am truly blessed. Everything in my life is exactly as it should be. I am happy and content. I feel so fulfilled. I walk into work every single day and I feel so proud. Proud that I get to work with my mom and sister.....two of the strongest, empowering and most intelligent women I know. I feel satisfied....knowing I bust my ass every single day to continue building the empire my mom started 16 years ago. I look at the people I have chosen to surround myself with....the friends who have become family......those that have entered and exited my life in the last 10 years...and I am thankful. Thankful for those who make me a better person with their friendship. Thankful for those who helped shape me over the last 10 years.....and then exited my life...for whatever the reason might have been. I look at my relationship with my dad....and while it isn't perfect....it's honest. I'm proud that I have gotten to the place with my dad where I can just accept it for what it is.....be honest with him...keep it real with him. I commend myself for that....because being able to be honest and not hurtful is a HUGE step for me.

30 brings such promise. So much hope and excitement. I'm thrilled to enter a new decade feeling the way that I do about myself. I'm SO fucking proud of myself....and how far I've come. I'm proud of the woman I am. I am strong, independent, aware. Self-assured and self-reliant. I have embraced the good, the bad, the ugly.......and used it all to help myself grow as a woman. I look forward to this new decade.....and what it could possibly bring. I look forward to a marriage.....like an ACTUAL marriage. Maybe becoming a mom?! Who knows? Whatever God has in store for me will come into my life when it is meant for me. I look forward to continuing to grow in my career.....continuing to help my mom and my sister grow the business. I look forward to strengthening the relationships in my life, embracing new relationships/friendships, and letting go of relationships that just aren't a right fit anymore. I'm excited to love myself more.....be less critical of myself. Learning how to embrace going with the flow. Laughing more. Loving harder. Continuing to grow.

So yeah..........my 20s were............rough but necessary. Without every single experience I had in my 20s I wouldn't be the woman I am entering my 30s......and I'll have you know I'm pretty proud of the woman I am. I'm excited to put my 20s to rest.....and embrace the exciting unknown of my 30s. I think I'm excited because I feel like I truly KNOW who I am.....and I honestly LOVE the woman I am at this moment in time. I'm comfortable in my skin...and that is a gift.

So even though this time of reflection has been full of mixed emotions....and I've cried quite a bit......I'm ecstatic. Nervous....giddy.....everything in between.....but most importantly....I'm READY.

So goodbye 20s....... and bring it on 30. I'm so fucking ready for you and everything you will bring.

"If you are brave enough to say goodbye....life will reward you with a new hello" - Paulo Coehlo

You get what you give

I haven't posted a blog in MONTHS......and that makes me sad. I've been SO busy with work, my personal life, my mental and physical health, that I just haven't made the time to sit down and write. Writing is such a release for me. My chance to just sit with my thoughts, share my feelings, document my journey. It feels good to just sit here with my laptop right now.

So 2016 arrived and I realized....I'm turning 30 this year. I've literally lived 3 decades. I've spent a lot of time reflecting on my journey thus far. All of the ups and downs, the highs and lows. All of the things I have experienced. Opportunities I have had. Dreams I have accomplished. Remembering the moments that changed my life. The relationships I have made.....lost....walked away from. I've spent a lot of time thinking about my friendships. All the people I surround myself with. Everything I have experienced with the friends I have made throughout my life.

Friendships are so interesting. I value and cherish the friends I have in my life. I treat them as my own family. I love and care for them, want the best for them always, and stand by their side through the good times and the bad. I have always been the type of friend to reach out, touch base, check in. Make sure to make every effort to keep the friendship going. I've noticed over the years that it takes WORK to keep a friendship alive....but not just work on one end.....work on BOTH ends.

It has been a tough realization over the years.....but I have discovered that not everyone is willing to work as hard as you are to keep a friendship going. Not everyone values friendship the same way I do. Sometimes as much as you love someone.....and in spite of the history you two might share....people grow apart. Friendships change. Priorities change. Lives grow apart. No matter what effort you make....something is different. The effort that was once made to keep a cherished friendship alive no longer exists.  So at what point do you walk away? At what point do you stop trying? When do you make peace with the fact that you just aren't the friends you once were years ago? How do you mourn when you realize a friendship is over/no longer the same?

I've always worked hard to keep my friends. I have MANY acquaintances in my life. I have met many people throughout my life. But friends, people I trust, people I let into my world, share my darkest secrets with? Those are rare. The people I call friends are my family. There is no in between in my eyes. I like to reach out to my friends to see how they are doing. I like for them to know I am thinking of them. For them to know that even though life gets crazy and we don't see each other often, I love them and cherish them in my life. I've discovered over the years people don't necessarily reciprocate. I've accepted that not everyone is like me. I've tried to live life without expectations....but fuck that shit. Honestly. I want to get back what I put in.....in EVERY aspect of my life.  How long are you going to reach out, with your efforts not being matched? In the slightest bit? At what point do you look at a situation and say....this is one sided as fuck? It sucks to come to terms with the idea that the people you once felt SO CLOSE to have become strangers. How do you close that chapter? Do you call someone out? Do you try to make it right? Should you even bother? Is it just a waste of time?

I've been feeling a certain type of way about friendships the last 2 years. I've really spent a lot of time assessing everything, analyzing everything. Making mental notes. I've realized that in life, you get what you give. I've always been the type of friend to give.........but have realized lately I don't get back half of what I'm giving. How is that fair? Life gets complicated and crazy-busy the older we get. This isn't high school anymore where you sit with your friends at every break, every lunch, hang out after school. We are all adults with bills, careers, relationships, families. We just don't have the time to invest in a friendship like when we were younger.....but just because we don't have as much time anymore doesn't make it ok to just ignore a friend......not bother to reach out...and expect them to be waiting for you. I just started to feel jaded and upset about the whole idea of friendships. Like why should I always have to be the one to text you to see how you are doing? Why should I always be the one to suggest making plans? I feel like I'm the only one putting in any sort of an effort.....and when you love and cherish a friendship you make the equal effort. It's nice to feel loved.......but what about making someone feel loved back?

I've just decided to give myself my place. I'm not going to call someone and start a fight. I'm not going to tell you "pay attention to me". I'm just done. Notice we haven't spoken in months? Why is that? Noticed I don't text you to say "hi" anymore? Ever wonder why that might be?

Relationships.....all relationships...every type of relationship.....are a two-way street. Effort needs to be made on both parts. People need to feel they are cared for as much as they care for you. And when they realize they aren't......don't be surprised when they don't come around anymore. Don't be surprised when you don't hear from them. Don't act shocked when you realize your friendship has changed and you have grown apart.

I'm not saying you need to text every friend every single day. I'm not saying you need to have dinner plans once a week. I'm saying make the effort. Assess your friendships. Are you really getting out of them what you are putting in to them? If you aren't.....maybe it's time to reevaluate some shit in your life. Every person loves to feel loved. Appreciated. Thought about. No one wants to feel as though their efforts aren't being reciprocated. And honestly.....when someone finally realizes and accepts that their efforts aren't in fact being reciprocated......they stop putting forth an effort all together.

Take time to really look yourself in the mirror and ask yourself if you are being to others the type of friend you want for yourself? If not......maybe it is time to change some stuff before you wake up one day and realize all the friends you once had are gone. And if you are that friend always putting forth the effort.....maybe it is time to give yourself your place if your efforts aren't being matched. In life we only get what we give. It would be a shame to wake up and realize you were so wrapped up in your own shit that you didn't even notice those awesome friends you once had have become distant strangers you don't even know anymore. Sometimes in life "friends" just become "acquaintances". Sometimes "acquaintances" become "strangers".....and in life, it is SO easy to go from friends to strangers.......but SO hard to go from stranger to friend again. Think about it.

"I decided to put as much effort into contacting you as you do with me - that's why we don't talk anymore" -unknown

Pushing through the fog

So lately I had been MAD depressed. Like the worst depression I have ever felt in my entire life. I felt like dying. The thought of no longer existing and how much easier it would be if I wasn't around had crossed my mind. My thoughts had become so dark. I felt so alone, so lost. I didn't want to work, didn't want to see my family or friends. I just didn't want to exist. I had shut myself off from everything and everyone. I no longer felt like myself anymore.The doctors call it "Chemical Depression". Apparently its like the worst form of depression that you can have. The chemical imbalance in my brain was causing my depression. Nothing except medication would help at that point. It got so bad I didn't even want to write anymore. Every project I've been working on just came to a hault. I was a shell of myself. I could see myself going through the motions of a day but felt completely disconnected from myself.

I reached out to my family for support and was met with nothing but love, attention and unwavering support. I needed to lean on my family and my boyfriend for support. I could no longer fight the fight alone. I went to my doctor and explained the medication change just wasn't working for me. If you remember, I started a medication change a few months back. Over the last few months my mood and my spirit diminished. My depression got worse and worse. The fog became heavier and thicker as the days passed. I expressed how I felt like a lesser version of myself. How horrible I felt in my own skin. How badly I wanted to just feel like myself again.

I've been on Latuda and Lithium for a few months now. We were trying to take me completely off the Lithium and only on Latuda, but it just hasn't been working for me. My depression got the best of me. It's like being manic.....only the low side of the spectrum. An uncontrollable sadness. An everlasting cloud of utter loneliness. I just couldn't continue going at the rate I was going. The sadness and depression became intolerable. We discussed removing me from the Latuda and going back to the Lithium. In spite of all of the side effects of Lithium it is the only medication proven to work for managing my mania and my depression. It is the only medication that controls my highs and lows and allows me to feel like myself. I'm willing to take the side effects and live with them if it means I can feel like myself again.

I've never dealt with depression this bad. I've only dealt with the highs of Bipolar Disorder. The mania. The manic episodes. Never have I had to deal with the chemical lows. The sadness. The loneliness. The never ending dread of my negative thoughts. It's been tough.....feeling like a stranger in my own skin. Feeling like a lower grade version of myself. Hating the person I see in the mirror. Not even recognizing myself because I've become so detached from myself. Not wanting to be close to my friends or family. Not wanting to participate in activities or conversations. Not wanting to cuddle with my own boyfriend. Just wanting to escape.

Since I met with my doctor we increased my Lithuim and decreased my Latuda. It took several days but I am FINALLY pushing through the fog. I am finally starting to feel like myself again. I've been told there is a sparkle in my eyes again. I want to work. I want to see my family and friends. I want to be present. I FEEL present. I don't feel sad or down anymore. It feels amazing to feel good again. I'm soaking it all in because its been SO LONG since I felt remotely close to myself. I'm happy again and I am enjoying every second. It feels so great to feel like my old self again. I want to hold on to this moment in time and just live in it because I'm afraid my old friend depression is just waiting in the wing......waiting to take over my existence again.

Depression is a bitch. It honestly is. It robs you of everything. It leaves you sitting, a shell of who you once were, sad and lonely. Feeling miserable. Feeling so alone even if you are surrounded by everyone you love. It was hard for me to be asked what makes me happy. When you're depressed you don't even remember what makes you happy anymore. Happiness seems like a distant friend. An old lover. A long lost memory. I had nothing to say when asked what made me happy. That's how I knew my depression was bad......I couldn't name one thing that made me happy. Like truly happy. I have so many things and people in my life to be thankful for yet in that moment nothing came to mind. Happiness seemed like a foreign concept to me.

It's tough living within the fog. Never feeling like there is a way out. Feeling alone in a crowded space. I know some of you reading this have felt this way. I can't possibly be the only person who has lived within the haze of depression. So how do you get out of it? How do you push through the fog? For me it was a chemical switch. The chemical imbalance in my brain needed to be treated with medication. That was the only way to push through my fog. But how do we push through the fog of depression in our day to day lives?

My therapist suggested doing things that make me happy. Surrounding myself with the people I love the most. ASKING for what I need from people. Asking for anything is tough for me because I'm super independent and feel like I can tackle everything alone. News flash......I can't. You just can't. We weren't made to deal with everything alone. We just weren't.

I suggest when depression has got you down to take a step back and evaluate the situation. Figure out first what is causing the depression. Is it something that can be adjusted or fixed? Is it a situation that has you down? Is work bringing you down? There is always an underlying cause for your depression. The first step is to recognize it. It makes it easier to tackle it. The second step is reaching out. Letting the people closest to you know you are dealing with a funk. Let them help you. There is NOTHING wrong with asking for help. We all need help from time to time. Third is to focus on what makes you happy. What makes you you? Maybe its yoga, reading a book, going to the beach, watching trashy reality tv. What is it that makes YOU happy? Figure that out and do it. Do the things that make you happy. Surround yourself with the people that lift your spirits. Focus on making yourself happy.

Depression isn't easy. But it can be managed. For some of us it takes a little chemical adjustment, for others it can be a simple lifestyle change. Whatever the case may be, there is a light at the end of the dark tunnel. I know for me I felt like there was no light at the end. My journey looked bleak......but I found my way.

We need to focus on loving ourselves. Listening to our body and our mind. Nurturing them. Loving ourselves. When we take some time out to focus on our own happiness we will discover ourselves in better spirits. Take the time to listen to what your body and mind are telling you. Take a break when you need it. Go shopping when you want to. Eat a burger just because you're in that mood. Laugh until you almost pee your pants because it is GOOD for the soul. Become one with yourself. I think it's important to be in tune with what your body, mind and spirit are telling you. Love yourself. Remember to share that love with others. Depression can be a bitch, but it doesn't have to be the end all be all. Just remember to fight it one step at a time. You can and you WILL push through the fog. I did........with a lot of fight and determination. Always remembering there is a light at the end of the tunnel and that not every day is a bad day is key. One step at a time.

"Mountains know the secrets we need to learn. That it might take time, it might be hard, but if you just hold on long enough you will find the strength to rise up" - Tyler Knott Gregson