Sorry I'm NOT Sorry.

I've been feeling some type of way lately. I'm turning 30 in about 2 weeks and I'm not sure if I've been having a mini-meltdown or what......but I've been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting.  It is crazy to think that another decade has come and gone. I know to some people turning 30 is just another year older.....but turning 30 for me is something truly special. It is symbolic and SUPER meaningful for me. It is the end of my 20s.......and the beginning of a new decade. My 20s were INTENSE . Full of growth, heartache, struggle, anger, rage, depression, emotional moments. I had just been diagnosed with Bipolar when I entered my 20s. I had NO idea what the fuck I was doing with myself. I felt lost, emotional, fragile. Throughout my 20s, I was hospitalized 3 times.....each time going back worse than the last. I was reckless. Unable to accept....or more importantly NOT WILLING to accept that this was now my life.....my realization. I didn't understand that th...

I haven't posted a blog in MONTHS......and that makes me sad. I've been SO busy with work, my personal life, my mental and physical health, that I just haven't made the time to sit down and write. Writing is such a release for me. My chance to just sit with my thoughts, share my feelings, document my journey. It feels good to just sit here with my laptop right now. So 2016 arrived and I realized....I'm turning 30 this year. I've literally lived 3 decades. I've spent a lot of time reflecting on my journey thus far. All of the ups and downs, the highs and lows. All of the things I have experienced. Opportunities I have had. Dreams I have accomplished. Remembering the moments that changed my life. The relationships I have made.....lost....walked away from. I've spent a lot of time thinking about my friendships. All the people I surround myself with. Everything I have experienced with the friends I have made throughout my life. Friendships are so interesting...

So lately I had been MAD depressed. Like the worst depression I have ever felt in my entire life. I felt like dying. The thought of no longer existing and how much easier it would be if I wasn't around had crossed my mind. My thoughts had become so dark. I felt so alone, so lost. I didn't want to work, didn't want to see my family or friends. I just didn't want to exist. I had shut myself off from everything and everyone. I no longer felt like myself anymore.The doctors call it "Chemical Depression". Apparently its like the worst form of depression that you can have. The chemical imbalance in my brain was causing my depression. Nothing except medication would help at that point. It got so bad I didn't even want to write anymore. Every project I've been working on just came to a hault. I was a shell of myself. I could see myself going through the motions of a day but felt completely disconnected from myself. I reached out to my family for support and ...

So I know I blog alot about my mental health.....in all honesty blogging about it helps keep me in check and allows me to process and heal. Deal with the fact that this is my life. It's never going to get easier or change. I'm sure it seems like I have it all together....I fucking don't. At all. I am just struggling every day to keep the demons at bay and stay healthy....for my partner, my family, friends, and myself. No, I haven't had any episodes in 5 years. Yes that is an accomplishment and yes I am proud of myself for making it this long without an incident.....but there is no eternal okay-ness. I'm never satisfied. Never am I truly ok or cured. I'm just the average person struggling to make it through another day without snapping at someone. I still cycle. I have ups and downs. Good days and bad. It never truly gets better.....it just becomes more manageable. I still, after 5 years, struggle riding the waves. I still get terrified. I panic and freak mys...

"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while you could miss it" -Ferris Bueller That quote to me is so iconic. Not only is it from one of the greatest movies ever ( in my opinion of course ), but it is so meaningful.  Life moves a mile a minute. I can't even deal with the fact that July is already over (legit where did this month go). Every single day seems to blur together with the routine of living. Wake up - Go to work - Come home and make dinner - Catch up on some tivo - Bed. That has seriously become my life. I am so caught up with working, making money, general life stressors that every single day become monotonous. Routine. Predictable.  I think we as a people are so accustomed to living life......like just to live it. We worry about bills, family, friends, work, finances, love, relationships, just getting through the fucking day honestly. Each day we wake up and are already thinking about what we need to do the next...

So I've been a bit of a busy bee lately. Life has taken over and I have been busier than ever with work, social life, writing my book. I've officially started writing my book which has proven to be the most traumatic and therapeutic time of my life. Traumatic in the sense of reliving everything from my past I have tried so hard to keep in the past, and both therapeutic in the sense that I am able to fully process everything I have tried to forget about. Whoever said reliving your past or going back to a time in your life is an easy feat lied. This has by far been the most difficult time of my life. Remembering in detail moments of my life I have tried to push past has proven to be more difficult than living through those experiences in that moment of time. There have been countless times I have found myself wiping tears off my laptop keyboard, secretly hoping I have short circuited something so it gives me an excuse to not write anymore. This process has been more difficul...

For those of you who don't know ( don't worry....I didn't either until I used Google Translate ), my blog title is " Thankful " in Latin. I feel like I've been so caught up with everything going on in my life right now that I have forgotten to be grateful and thankful for all of the wonderful things/people in my life. I've become so engrossed with work stress, the emotional toll writing a book has taken, this medication change ( which has been quite the uphill battle I'm still tackling ), general life stressors, and now a new medical condition ( which I'm not fully ready to discuss as we are still in the process of testing and identifying the exact issue at hand ), I've found myself more depressed and negative than positive. I think we as humans get so caught up with focusing on the negatives that we often forget to acknowledge the good in our lives. The everyday interactions with people that make us smile, the kisses and hugs we take for g...